The varnish becomes thicker
F Review!
Ken Strongman
With anti-nuclear promuncements, the tour, and himosexual law reform, the affairs of women have sipped a little into the background in recent times. "Miss Universe New Zealand” will, however, have .risen swiftly up a few distaff nostrils. It was described as being presented by TVNZ in conjunctior with the makers of a type a bed which offers
“biopaedic sleep system’ Such gobble-de-gook mae the whole thing even wore than usual. Peter Sinclair was not in sight. Instead, there ses Bob Parker doing his usial calm, professional job, Jut it was a surprise that he agreed to it. Perhaps tie? have no choice. Even be was dragged down by tie occasion. Before announcing the two runners-up (what is wrong with second md third?) and the winner,'he did say “without more do.” If the circumstances are naff, then so are the presenters it seems. /
The average age of the contestants for this illustrious title was 18, but at first glance they looked much, much older. As well as their ages, we were, as usual, told of their hobbies and pastimes. We always are. Why? If we are to be told anything, why not some details of what they actually do, how they earn a crust, and whether or not they are any good at it? It would be far more interesting to learn of what, if anything, they have achieved, rather than how they fiddle about in their spare time. Since the new awareness of man’s inhumanity to woman precludes a simple
enjoyment of a surfeit of thighs (and quite rightly so) pageants such as this have begun to produce some odd reactions. One sits back glad, or even proud, not to be a young, tall female with a hint of anorexia, just in case there would be a moment’s temptation to compete. The highspot of this com-, petition was not the swim-
wear. The parade in socalled cocktail dresses brought forth a poetry of its own. Descriptions waxed fulsome over shoulder interest, applique, gold lame, beaded leaves, tucked yokes, nautical influences and heavily swathed emphasis. (Their emphases seemed a bit under-emphasised to me, not that I looked, of course.)
All of this was paraded with some silly walks that would have been better placed in “Monty Python” or “The Goodies.” The true masterpiece of bull-dust, however, came with mention of the makers of the clothes and shoes. It is always “shoes by . . . ,” never “shoes made by ... ” By omitting one word, “made” the shoes are elevated to works of art rather than of craft. They become akin to books and paintings rather than tables and chairs.
The questions and answers fell into the usual ■pattern of the vacuous and stilted. At times it was so
bad as to be embarrassing — even more so because they did not appear to be aware of how silly they looked and sounded to be embarrassed themselves. Or perhaps they do know, but keep it hidden deeply for the greater good of winning a cruise, waterbed, sewing machine, silver tea set, and the like. More than ever, “Miss Universe” gave the impression of falseness, of young women being manipulated, with others standing to gain more from their efforts than they would themselves. Somewhere inside all that glamour there must be some rather pleasant, unsophisticated young persons. One wanted to chip off the varnish and see. It is always worsened by seeing last year’s winner. It can be truly depressing to see no change other than the varnish being thicker and the genuine person being even more hidden from view. After an hour of “Miss Universe New Zealand,”
health foods, biodegradable waste, wool, unstraightened teeth, sweat, and even the odd patch of unsightly hair were beginning to seem very attractive. One was becoming desperate for things natural. The thick make-up and cheek-aching smiles make one tense in empathy. This sort of thing is just not good television any more.
After this, the relief of seeing “Five go Mad in Dorset” was considerable, the circumstances-beyond-our-control-stopping of “McPhail and Gadsby” did at least give the opportunity to see this bit of brilliance again. It was wizard to see Enid Blyton being sent up higher than a jolly old kite. Wouldn’t you heartily agree? Among other things, it depended for its effects on mention of atom bombs and the arrest of a selfconfessed “screaming homosexual.” Is TVNZ trying to tell us something? No, they couldn’t be; South Africa was not mentioned at all.