How to be robbed and stay happy in Brazil

Press, 17 November 1984, Page 20

How to be robbed and stay happy in Brazil

By

ALLAN REDITT,

of Reuter, in Rio de Janeiro

Brazil’s latest guidebook, on “How to be robbed and stay happy,” may not be a favourite with the tourist agencies but is certainly raising wry smiles among those who share similar experiences with the author. A Brazilian journalist, Roberto Schneider, says he was inspired to write “o guia do assaltado” (the mugging victim’s guide—more than 100 questions ana answers to help you be robbed and be happy) after being robbed 138 times in 1976. The first chapter asks if one really needs to oe robbed in the first place? The answer is an emphatic “yes.” Mr Schneider asks one to look at someone who has not been robbed, his flaccid muscles, dull eyes, his lack of motivation. Compare this with the agile deportment of a victim, eyes bright and alert flicking constantly left and right, a rapid walk, erect bearing, toned muscles, and prepared adrenalin level.

A professional victim may die from a myriad of reasons, but never from a heart attack, says Mr Schneider. The guide aims to turn the most timid, Rio resident into a professional. The first step is to buy an

executive briefcase to carry the basic equipment of Hie modern mugging victim — a block of tickets issued to the unemployed, two packets of biscuits, earplugs, counterfeit money, a Bible, and a live hedgehog. The author disapproves of the normal Rio driver who flouts the law by driving through red lights at night in Oleas known to be frequented by armed robbers. If a thief points a gun through your car window, burst into tears, embrace him, offer biscuits from your basic kit, show your unemployed tickets. Most Rio thieves have hearts of gold and many are unemployed journalists, engineers, and economists, according to the guide. For the pedestrian, Mr Schneider says it is stupid to think of avoiding a hold-up. One should be prepared psychologically for the inevitable. When it comes, co-' operate — lack of co-operation makes thieves nervous and they can do all sorts of stupid things. The really professional victim walks the streets of Rio with his hands permanently in the air so he can never be surprised by a gunman, according to Mr Schneider. The drawback is that

one may be considered mad. On dark, deserted streets, the author suggests one runs like mad, looking constantly over one’s shoulder. If there, is a thief along the way he will probably protect you because he thinks someone is trying to invade his patch.

The author advises against pursuing the thief should a police car fortuitously arrive. Under Brazil’s benign legal system he will probably soon be released and, knowing your face after the identification in the police station, will feel obliged as a matter of honour to rob you again. MrSchneideradviseswomenprone to youthful handbag-snatching teams to learn a few basketball fihrases. When robbed, shout as oudly as possible “obstruction” — the young thieves will protest but will always return the bag, he

says. For the dippers into handbags on crowded buses and trains use your pet hedgehog. The wriggling of the beast in such a confined space will deter most thieves, he argues. Joggers require different advice. Mr Schneider says he has found the most effective system to be the wearing of earplugs. Thieves are usually not very fit and, after 500 metres of running and shouting in an attempt to convince the intended victim they are serious about their intentions, they usually give up, Mr Schneider

says. For the sophisticated there is always the Bible trick When an armed thief demands money, smile, raise the Bible in one hand and declaim: “John, you are the vision I have been expecting, the one I have been told to give half my worldly goods to.”Press into the hand of the amazed thief half your billfold, exclaiming in brotherly fashion “how fortunate, how lucky.” Better to lose half than all, according to the author. Mr' Schneider advises taxi drivers who are particularly prone to armed robbery to keep a quantity of false money. When held up they should say: “Take everything but leave the rent money which is in the glove compartment” The result is a temporarily happy thief and continuing happiness for the taxi driver. Domestic robbery requires a different stratagem. Mr Schneider favours the contagious disease approach. When thieves break in, smile, get the rest of the family to cough violently, and say “welcome, you are the first visitors we’ve had since the doctor diagnosed contagious gobbleyitis and put us in quarantine.” .Exit, the thieves, 350 armed robberies in Rio each week according to the police;" no wonder the book is selling welt, <