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Press, 8 November 1984, Page 30

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Tea, Please

The Campylobacter Award for Dreadful Coffee has been won. A Random Reminder nitty in-depth investigative team has made its unanimous.decision and the presentation will be made as soon as anyone can be found to accept responsibility, and as soon as the team feels up to it. The award was not won by the Government Monopoly Restaurant. The team defends this decision on two grounds. Ha ha. Thank you. First, having decided that any investigation of dreadful coffee should exclude acorns, dandelions, and cereals, but should include “Coffaea Robusta,” we were obliged to judge instant coffee with absolute fairness before condemning it out of hand. The powder used at the Government Monopoly Restaurant is neither worse nor better than the powder supplied to jails, hospitals, Social Welfare homes, and Army prisons. That it was both weak and lukewarm shows simply that the average seven-year-old, who makes their parent a cup that is either of the correct strength or the correct temperature but not both, is better than the G.M.R at making coffee. It does not show that the coffee itself is worser. Second, the team did — astoundingly — find worser coffee. We found worser coffee at three Institutions of Higher Learning, two tertiary institutions and one which ,on the Richelieu Scale (primary, secondary, and so forth) ranks about 1.5. Coffaea Robusta again, crunched rather than powdered, simmered all day in golden pots, dealt out through taps, and the pot topped up in the same way.

Students sobbed and trainee teachers twitched in disbelief when our analyses showed not the slightest trace of glomerular filtration either hippine or maidenly. The stuff had in fact once been coffee, about 7 a.m., and perhaps again would be, next morning. We continued our search for the worst coffee of all. We found it. Ugh. We paid retail price for it in a retail shop, (10 points), although the shopkeeper himself thought we were mad. It had a good brand name (10 points), and was done up in tea-bag bags (5 points) by a manufacturer who ceased doing this long ago. Under the influence of boiling water, a coffee bag released a coffee-like smell for 2 seconds and then occasional whiffs of cardboard (10 points). Colour drifted in coils, like ink. The taste was neither vegetable (though had it been known to be cardboard one could have imagined the blue) nor mineral (though again one’s mind ran on cardboardly lines — was it printers ink? Was there a hint of mild steel staples?) nor animal, except possibly silverfish. The taste was bitter without being refreshing, salty but not wholesome, sour as an unventilated laundry, and cloying without being sweet. Mph, said the team, setting down its cups. Hey, said someone. There are instructions on the box. “For truly perfect coffee, press the bag lightly with a teaspoon against the side of the cup.” They did what they were told. Every bag burst