Random riminder

Press, 19 May 1984, Page 25

Random riminder

STEAM TRAINING

It is not the nicotine that kills. What drives the tobacco addicts to their wheezing final agony is the tar, phenol, carbon monoxide, and particulate smoke that are the byproducts of setting the stuff on fire. If there was some other way, the nicoteenies would save a lot of private pain and public money in the long-term. In the short-term, too, nobody wants to kiss an ashtray. Chewing gum loaded with nicotine is available, but never caught on. The cigarette, or cigar or pipe or roll yourown, is more than just something to suck. The flame is more than just a power symbol. The point of the whole performance is that it gives the socially inadequate misfit something to do with their hands. The purpose of the cigarette and its wreaths of smoke is that it is something to concentrate on, an excuse to avoid meeting the eye of any passing grown-up.

What this country needs, not least in enclosed spaces, is the Random Reminder brand Patent Electric Steam Cigarette. When sucked, it blasts a couple of mis of tobacco and delivers a moist cool flavoursome synapse-zapping jolt of nicotine to the quiveringly expectant lung. When laid aside, the Random Reminder Patent Electric Steam Cigarette goes click, whirr, gurgle in a reassuring manner, emitting artistic clouds of waste steam. All the usual tics, mannerisms, gestures, emphases, and waving it around to look more truly adult, are possible, except blowing smoke in someone else’s face. There are exciting new possibilities. Adjusting the ring-nozzle feed ratchet. Replacing the batteries. Fitting whistles to the steam valve to play “Colonel Bogey.”