Random reminder

Press, 24 January 1984, Page 24

Random reminder

KEEP THY HANDS

It can’t be easy being a retailer. The public like a magpie moves towards anything shiny that takes its fancy, and anything that takes the public’s fancy is too often taken by the public. The public is very good at waving its hands around and pleading innocence while the police explore the public’s double-skinned umbrellas and false-bottomed cartons. One New Brighton shop catches two or three thieves a week. And that is professionals, not just thick kids. Through this world of thieves and thief-takers there move people who would as lief dance the can-can as buy on credit, let alone steal, but who cannot read. They cannot read. Signs like LEAVE ALL BAGS HERE and NO BAGS IN SHOP and FREE STRIP-SEARCH WITH EVERY BAG cannot possibly be meant for them.

They are — do you mind? — honest. When such a person arrives at the check-out festooned with carrier bag, hold-all, Gladstone bag, briefcase, portmanteau, sea-chest, ditty-box and reticule, and. is asked if she minds turning out her muff, she gets all huffy. She turns out her muff. She empties her reticule. She shakes out the sleeves of her coat. Shoppers start to applaud. The management thanks her. She can stop now. No, she is really in a huff.

She tips up the carrier bag. She pulls everything out of the hold-all. She spreads out the contents of the Gladstone. Another check-out has to be opened for the customers piling up behind. She unlocks the briefcase.

When she demands scissors so that every parcel can be unwrapped to reveal not a single toffee or transistor, the management offers soothing words. It will not be necessary this time. THIS time? There will never be a next time. I have never been so insulted in all my bom and so forth. Wild horses could not drag me and so forth. You will be getting nasty letters from my legal and so forth.

The management helps to reload. Madam is perfectly correct to be angry. Madam has been treated shamefully, shamefully. Are these Madam’s plaster ducks? What exquisite taste Madam has. Has Madam seen our new selection of vinyl daffodils? Allow us personally to escort Madam.

Would Madam care to leave Madam’s bags in this special bag area where they will be specially looked after? There is no charge. It is part of our service to our valued customers. Among whom, Madam has always been. And so forth. Moral: If some is good, more is better.