PROCRUSTES RULES

Press, 13 March 1982, Page 14

PROCRUSTES RULES

By

WHIM WHAM

Procrustes: a legendary robber of Attica, owner of a bed on which his victims had to fit, either by being hammered out and stretched, or by having their limbs lopped 0ff.... “Procrustean” still means the forcible subordination of individual differences to a system. — Betty Radice, Who’s Who in the Ancient World.

A marvellous Machine Is the Three Per Cent Cutter, Try it on anything From Diamonds to Butter, From Feathers to Steel, Never mind What, The Three Per Cent Cutter Can Slice the Lot, As hard as a Board Or soft as a Jelly— It cuts off a Kiwi’s Legs in New Delhi. It sweeps like a Scythe — As the Barber said, A bit More off the Top, Sir? Mind your Head! Rob keeps It sharp, He turns the Grindstone — Three Per Cent nearer. And nearer, the Bone! Procrustes’ Bed, That’s precisely It — Just cut off my Feet And perhaps I’ll fit? Oh Falloon, Wellington, Malcolm, Cooper, Lop off my Legs — But spare my Super! The Machinery's perfect. It equalises What a Pity we’re All Such different Sizes!