Spiralling divorce rate in U.K.

Press, 10 February 1981, Page 17

Spiralling divorce rate in U.K.

From

KEN COATES

in London

Between one in four and one in three marriages in Britain are heading for divorce, says Dr Jack Dominian. director of the marriage research centre at the Central Middlesex Hospital. In a new study just published by the British Medical Association, he says that apart from the unhappiness this causes, the children in marriages •which break up suffer much and are disadvantaged. The taxpayer too, he says, is heavily involved. It is estimated that the cost of marital breakdown, including supplementary benefits paid to one-parent families, children in care, prescriptions, and hospital admissions, is between $lOOO million and $2OOO million annually. Married couples should be on their guard ' for warning signals that could mean their partnership is headed for the rocks. Some of the more important signals are listed by Dr Dominian as follows: —When either partner refuses to be careful with money, spending it instead on drink or other pleasures. —Work record: those who change jobs rapidly, with intervals of unemployment in between, are

suspect providers. —Heavy drinking or persistent gambling. —When marriage is used as an escape from an intolerable situation at home. —When either partner has major reservations about the other, or does not feel really attracted physically. —When either partner shows excessive jealousy, or possessiveness. Among the reasons why marriages fail, says Dr Dominian, is a change in

the man-woman relationship. Women are no longer prepared to tolerate a sec o n d-class position. Economic independence no longer compels them to stay in marriages which are gradually destroying them. He also points out that expectations from marriage have risen. All women, and indeed men, expect more from loving and,sexual satisfaction. Marriages are vulnerable: 1. When the bride is under 20; and more so if the groom is under 20. 2. When there is already

a baby on the way. 3. When the couple start married life in either of their parents’ home. 4. When the couple marry with marked differences of ■ background, education, religion, or outlook. 5. When either partner think they can “change” the other after marriage. 6. Persistent rows or persistent complaints by. one spouse or the other. 7. Loss of sexual interest by one partner, or persistent excuses to avoid

intercourse

Infidelity can occur at any time during marriage, the marriage expert observes. It may occur in the early years, and this is often described as “a seven-year-itch,” .though no such pattern exists which suggests that it is inevitable. Each episode of adultery has its own meaning, he adds. It may be an act of protest, of exploration, of reassurance, of curiosity, or the beginning of an alternative relationship. Most marriages survive one or more of these occasions. Certainly, an isola-

ted act of infidelity should not trigger off thoughts of divorce and separation. “If an extra-marital affair is in process, the sooner it is found out the better,” Dr Dominian says. “Such an affair is saying something more radically important about the marital relationship. “An affair is not the occasion for bringing a marriage, to an end. Most couples can live with such an event. “Far more important is to discuss the reasons behind it, and if possible to repair it. Unfaithfulness is still a major and potentially damaging event in ■ the life of a couple. It neetds both understanding and forgiveness.” Dr Dominian says that marriage breakup has a profound impact on most children, particularly young ones. In a situation; not of their making they find themselves having to live with one parent instead of two. They, too, experience a sense of loss of the departed parent. They may also have reacted adversely to the preceding tension at home. He lists three ways children can react. The first, through emotional disturbance at home. They may become irritable, have tantrums, cling to

the remaining parent, get a variety of bodily aches and pains, and have trouble with sleeping. If very young, they may return to wetting their beds, and have childhood fears about the dark. Second, children may show disturbance at school. Their attention and concentration suffers, their school work deteriorates, and they may become at-tention-seeking and demand a lot of time from. their teachers. Third, by showing antisocial behaviour. Children in such distress may steal, cause wanton damage, and play truant from school. .

Evidence is progressively accumulating, says Dr Dominian, that it takes about two years for a child of a broken home to catch up and return to the norma! behaviour of a child whose parents have not separated. This is the short-term damage. Less is known about any enduring difficulty in forming relationships later in life. “The question is often put whether divorce is not better for children whose parents are torn wilh conflict. The answer is certainly, but an even better answer” says Dr Dominian, “is to prevent the breakdown of a marriage.”