What is worth saving from a broken marriage?

Press, 30 December 1980, Page 11

What is worth saving from a broken marriage?

By

GEORGE SWEET

T, .director. Christchurch

Marriage Guidance Council

If .today /was the day . you decided to leave your • marriage, ybun home and your . family, what would you take with;you? . Are.'there special things you ./simply.. would be unable to,'leave? A.paint-.. ing/perhaps, or a photograph, jnaybe records? ;Of all 7 ‘the possessions , you have gathered ... over -the years, what shafed things could you<t?ke and still leave the house- in good order for tlie family? ■ Martin told' me' that he had been' married to ’ .- Mariori for 22 years. Much " of it had been good and they, had shared many marvellous times. The children were great, holidays 7 together were good memories and there had been some really .warm, , sharing times. .Most. of. the house they had furnished- together, with .some prints from Boston, a rug from Mexico ' and — for the tenth wedding anniversary ?. — . a Peter Maclntyre'water-col-' our. They had been; • doing,, well in, many .ways but the marriage had become dull, and they were not as close as both would have liked- Gfaduallv they had built separate interests./;./.;. For the five years aftertheir 'tenth anniversary both Martin and Marion saw / their separateness developing but did not know what to do about it--He " worked harder and provided more.-Marion got a job she did not want/, ’ . They were seen, to be the-perfect family-- A nice home'.respectability, both; leaders/in the church and P.T.A. Thay looked ' jio. much-the ideal couple, that they were'asked to lead a coupteS - group . in their W marriage didnt ,feel bad, rig-

bitterness,- no deliberate malice. At times when if, did get bad they both hid ‘ themselves in doing more things, for others; Nq\v here was Martinreminding me of the stereo — that big, powerful stereo that I had helped ’carry- 'into the house to. give them all such pleasure and let Martin enjoy jazz piano so well. There was no way that Martin could take that stereo, away, from the teenagers, so .it meant that there was no point in tak- ; ing his favourite records to play ’ on some tiny, scratchy portable and not really hear them. And how he loved that Peter Maclntyre painting with its understatements

in delicate tones. He really had -to take that with- him as a way of remembering the good years and the family times, before the rot'-’set in, before it, got plain' miserable. Martin was leaving the marriage. Should he take . the pianp? He Was the only one" who. played it. There ■ was his scotch chest, and ■ the old chair rebuilt with tender loving care. Take those? Three etchings bought in • a mad moment of spending, and always enjoyed.' /; ; y What a lot ;of ugly gaps there would be if he took his things, his share of the-22 years. Where . was the' -line? . When had personal things become family things? Yes, /he . was ; leaving,, a wife, and children,; but also all those years df/memories, dreams and'ideals. How do you walk out .’on 22 years? How.do. you leave ■ a. cherished paiptihg

behind because it fits the bouse, and you both chose it. The children would remember that yoC, took it every time they saw the gap on;, the.’walk , ; k Well, you are going into a cheap flat anyway, and it would just not lodk right in among all that tired furniture. It would announce that it belonged somewhere worth while, in a home, not an empty-al!-day, cold-at-night, unwelcoming flat with someone else’s choice of wallpaper and a well-scuffed ‘carpet. / Because it hadn’t been violent or ugly but just pedestrian and more and more meaningless it meant that when the end came Marion could -not get to

grips with it. She could not understand that for Martin it was just too meaninglesss, too painful to stay.’ ' . •, “What will people think?" -weighed .- heavily for her. For all the wrong reasons Marion now begged Martin to stay and it became increasingly. un-f pleasant. While neither of them wanted ’ it; bitter or ugly there seemed ho way to stop the acrimony. I. watched as she hated; herself <-fpr. turning the" children against; him. Philip 18,-Cilla 1.6, and. James who was 8. - Martin was, painted as the ’ deserter and she began to sketch herself as: the .one who held on for their sakes. .- Philip never believed this but got caught up in the.: pain of taking sides and not wanting to take sides.'He was‘trying so, hard to love them equally. The younger two got caught up/m it and saw

their father aS the ; cause of their hurt. After all, as little James cried: “He left, didn’t he.” They cut Martin out and off. Martin left ' with two suitcases, a bit Of cutlery, a couple of pots, one painting, a studbox from Hong Kong and. four Oscar Peterson records. He took a poky little flat about a kilometre away with the idea that it would be handy to “home” so that he could see the children and they could come to him. He would keep a .vege garden going for them. ' In her pain, and not because she wanted to, Marion . closed every last door. Hurt, agony, and sorrow pushed her where she had no wish to be. Finally, she forbade the children to see Martin, to talk to him or go to his flat. It was ghastly. Each morning Martin waited for the 8.20 bus. To get to school James had to leave his friends, cross over the road to avoid Martin and then cross back further down the street. . How. long will Martin have to wait for James to be his son? Till James is 15, 18, 25? How long will’ the other two wait -for' their father? How. long will Marion try to jbe. both father and mother? - •/ '• 7 It must be stated quite clearly that there villains in this story. No’, baddies or goodies. There, rarely are. r In most stories like this one there have been many good times and cherished memories and blame has 'no meaning whatsoever. Foolishly, friends and relatives try to make- sides and take sides,, but in fact < there is no side to take. , Money-focused /. politic cians pronounce ? .that .• . ' ‘--- '.'‘J:

people get Out to get the benefit payment. Moralisers say that, people in shaky marriages are less responsible and don’t work at it. any more. Separation and divorce are ‘never easy. In all. my experience in this field I have never seen anybody get out of a marriage easily.-' It is very important to get’ out of a marriage well. Seven out of 10 will renfarry, so they need, to be able to leave a toxic relationship behind and properly finished, knowing what went wrong and why it went wrong. They need to complete this task well'because parents /are forever, and children need to know that both parents love ! them even if they could not continue to love each other. With the right help at the right ■ time divorce does not have to be The End. It can be a beginning experience, a chance to set new goals with a new understanding of oneself, a chance to make high expectations come true second time around. A real hinderance to this growth is to appoint a. villain, a baddie and a goodie, to make couples feel guilty and wrong when they are taking a brave and very painful "Step.? ■ People can get through this process well. They don’t need wisdom and advice'. They do need love . /and understanding./ A divorce is too serious , a business for . platitudes,, blame , br advice. It demands the best we can give. • . ’ ■ Put away your need to take sides. If you have learned any caring skills, now .'is. the time to offer Xj-theni/ . ■