Eighteen ways to go slowly mad

Press, 27 December 1979, Page 15

Eighteen ways to go slowly mad

One of the more satisfactory features of the 1979-80 New Zealand sports programme was the reduction, to a mere three, of the major golf tournaments. Even three is too many, for it is quite clear that the rewards for the top players are ridiculously high for skills which come to them as readily as terse terms in a Muldoon interview.

Golf belongs to the rest of us — those who don't have irridiscent trousers and perform before television cameras, with glamorous gawping girls in the gallery. No practical ambition, that is. F.or most of us the game remains a challenge, not a cheque book.

It is with this in mind that we offer the nonhandicappers, the longhandicappers, the aged and infirm some helpful methods of attack. The reader must throw away his text-books and tackle the task in a simple, practical way. Take Waitikiri, for instance . . .

1. Westward Ho.. 326 m. Try to avoid the square cut with the first shot. There have been alligator sightings in the Windsor swamps. It is best to go straight for the trees on the right front of the tee. You will get there at any rate. If the bounce is not favourable, the best shot through the trees is played with the grip end of the club, from the prone position. If in doubt, consult one of the club’s Boer War veterans. After that, take the high ground on the right, through the pines to avoid the ditch on the far left. If ducks are in procession crossing the fairway, only authorised clubs may be used.

2. Sedge. 368 m. Make a cautious approach to the hill trying to get just short of it with the third. A shank then can have rewarding rebounds from the pump house. But you must avoid having to play from the slope unless one of your legs is shorter than the other. There have been some nasty accidents. 3. Target. 197 m. Make a front attack on the poplar in the left front of the tee. Its profusion of pit-marks testify to its importance at this hole. After that, keep left, because if you can make the gully at the side of the green, there is a reasonable chance of a few shots being unobserved.

4. A.R.B. 386 m. This calls for careful planning. There is a hill in front, trees to right and left. Start with the putter, and work up. The dog-leg to the right can cause confusion. Come in clockwise from the safe ground on the left.

5. Cracroft. 315 m. There are no problems here until you have worked your way past the women’s tee. Take a brief rest and admire the scenery. A firm shot is needed to run the ball through the gully in front of the green. 6. The Gap. 395 m. Plays shorter from the women’s tee. The gap is narrow' and short, straight bursts are recommended. Do not try to get the ball in the air. 7. Casbolt. 370 m. A dangerous greenside bunker (at the eighth) menaces the nervous player on this tee. Time and patience are needed here. There is some interesting bird life

in the forest at the right, but don’t fall into the ditch. 8 Poplar. 334 m It is trench warfare down the left, a bunker to catch the third on the right, and there are more bunkers all round the green. Circle it. until you find a safe path in.

9 McKenzie. 168 m. This is the work of a demented course architect, with the bunkers, the huge tree beside the green, the slopes. Bring in the hockey shot, but good ball control is needed.

10. Bridge. 456 m. Use the bridge, which affords a better surface than the path in front of the tee. It is best to veer left after a while. When near the green and the bunkers, push hard through and then come back.

11. Terrace. 510 m. Take it quietly before assaulting the hill which runs across the fairway. Strong men have been seen beating their fists on the turf below it. Once this obstacle has been overcome, however, you can open out for three or four shots before making a cautious approach to the narrowing opening to the green. 12. Simmy. 130 m. There is no way to avoid the yawning bunker in front of the green. Take your emergency rations in with you.

13. Mercer's Comer. 366 m. A temporary hole at present. The shortest way is to keep to the left and simply fight your way through the undergrowth. 14. Goff. 313 m. Time to have a look at the Windsor course. On getting back to the green, reluctantly turn right, away from the club house to play . . .

15. Three Oaks. 415 m. Blood, sweat and tears here. A dozen diverting alternatives are available. When playing from the trees at the left, you can leave your clubs because you are at the tee for . . . 16. The Knoll. 342 m. Mis-print for The Knell. The sloping green offers a

chance of a quick game of crown bowls. 17. Sou'west. 139 m Try to get your partner on to the swing seat beside the tee. A couple of quick shoves and he will think he is just coming home from a night out Paddling in the pond is forbidden. The opening to the fereefi is very narrow. Go round by the eighteenth fairway.

18 Waitikiri. 404 m. ' Yachting experience is handy here, for it is essential to tack properly into the prevailing easterly. Entertain the crowd in the clubhouse by stretching out full length and study some of your putts. Then . 'AU r C J" drink. Or you might prefer simply to retire.