Random reminder

Press, 27 November 1979, Page 25

Random reminder

DON'T KNOCK THE RO

A new Regent cinema is to arise, Phoenix-like, from the ashes of the Old. we have been assured, and the relief was great. The Phoenix, according to an ancient myth (a Greek thpinster), was a cinema of the gods that periodically burst into flames during showings of “The Towering Inferno,” rebuilt itself, and showed the film again, a little along the lines of New Zealand television, thus inventing the repeat. The interior of the Regent was recently destroyed by a fire that soothsayers in between saying “sooth,’' say was evidence of the displeasure of the gods at the screening of a rotten film like “Rocky II.” Whatever the cause, the cunning and Byzantine interior of the cinema is no more; gone are the Moorish balconies, with their enigmatic empty tables and their parasols bleached by an electric sun, etc, etc; gone the devious firmament of stars, gone the gently wafting clouds; and so on and so forth. What could replace this Baroque folly? Surely not some arid plastic soundshell? Surely not a pair of “intimate twin cinemas”? Surely not one of those depressing meeting halls with seats that pass now for theatres? Fortunately, it seems not. A spokesman for Kerridge Odeon has given us hope. "The old walls are as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar,” he said, and hope was rekindled. “We will build a new roof and interior, using the old walls.”

Of course, of course. The entire cinema will be rebuilt along the lines of a huge naval gun emplacement deep in the bowels of the Rock of Gibraltar, massive polystyrene mock-ups of 16- ' inch cannons jutting over the circle! and dominating a convincing ■ projection of the Straits, where 5 cunningly simulated convoys of ■ merchantmen will steam to supply the gallant defence of an inflatable plastic Malta only a Malteser would be able to tell from the original. Limestained water will drip down on to a delighted audience from I ominously hanging glass-fibre; stalactites and nylon moss will cling ! to the pitted and scarred old walls providing a gentle resting place for i the millions of rubber bats that will! cling there, occasionally taking off in! an ear-shattering whirr of flapping! wings and spinning elastic to escape! from the playful bands of Gibraltar! monkeys that will be hurled in* chattering, clockwork clusters into the j stalls by usherettes with zoological 1 diplomas. Above, a thousand thousand bulbs of the soft Mediterranean night will| glister and wink, and, offstage unseen 5 but audible above the soundtrack,* part-time Spanish waiters will mutter! in attractive accents devious plots for! taking the whole place over. But a solid line of wooden Jolly Jack Tars will bar their path. Tourists will be shown round, and there is also talk of using the place to show films.