Priest and gigolo from Pacific islands

Press, 2 June 1979, Page 12

Priest and gigolo from Pacific islands

By

GRAHAM HUTCHINS

The year of our Lord 1979 is shaping into a very exotic season for New Zealand rugby. Already a Japanese team has visited our shores and two other culturally diverse countries, France and Argentina, will be sending their representative sides later in the season. The fact that all three countries were scheduled to grace our fields in the one year has led to the prospect of a rich diversity in playing styles for the hungry rugby fan. To complete the feast, it has recently been announced that a team representing the Hen and Chicken Islands will soon embark .on their first major overseas tour.

Details of the itinerary are a little sketchy at this stage although it seems likely that they will play at least one game, including tests against Somes and Kapiti Islands. Informative pen-portraits of the players chosen to represent the Hen and Chickens on their pioneering tour have been released, however, and they are set out below. BACKS

Ralph “Nuts” McManiac. Fullback, 1.73 m, 83kg, age 20, one cap. Mercurial player always prepared to do the unexpected. Set fire to the referee’s shorts when making his test debut 10 years ago. Poor firststring goal-kicker. Hates insincere people, and up-and-unders. When not playing rugby enjoys fishing and wearing gorilla suits. Unemployed.

Sidney “Speedy” Legg. Wing, 1.57 m, 57kg, age 38, 85 caps. Has maintained his form .over a long and erratic career. Small but fast. Has developed deceptive outside swerve which enables him to get to the showers first. Other interests include drinking Fanta and throwing rocks at corrugated iron fences. Fisherman.

Humphrey “Hollywood” Hawkins. Wing, 1.84 m, 86kg, age 25, no caps. Sensation of the trials when he forced his way into the team at the request of the selector’s w’ife. Very well equipped player With good hands, feet, head,

and an eye for the ladies. Has scored many times this season. Unfortunately unable to play any rugby

as yet due to nervous and physical exhaustion. Gigolo. Pierre “Le Cochon” Derriere. Utility back, 1.55 m, 51kg, age It), no caps. Derriere, who is of Irish descent, was an automatic selection as utility back due to his inffectiveness in any one position. Useless back-up goal-kicker. Small but slow. Regarded as an investment for the future. Off the rugby paddock, Pierre enjoys dropping frogs down the front of girls’ dresses. Primary school drop-out. Derek “Jesus” Drudgery (vice-capt.). Centre, 1.73 m, 114 kg, age 47, 50 caps, no teeth. Mainstay of the backline. Players seldom get past him and he never gets past them. A subtle leg-tripper and stiff-armer,

conceded 11 penalties in final trial. Often instigates ugly incidents. Reads war comics. Priest.

Wayne “Wayne” Fumbler. Second five-eigth, 1.76 m, 76kg, aged 35, 13 caps. Has overcome most of his earlier handling troubles. Just chases kicks these days and is a better all-round player for it. Former Fiordland representative. Has an eye for the slightest gap and leaves it at that. Until decimal currency came along, he could land a punt on a sixpence. School teacher. Adrian "Louise” Love-

lace. First five-eighths, 1.60 m, 45kg, age 21, no caps. Shock selection. Got the now when the selector realised he was his wife’s cousin. Brilliant but brittle. The only player in the side able to perform a triple scissors without involving any other players. Devastating ankle-tapper. Curtsied when presented to the Minister of Fisheries before this year’s interisland match. Boutique owner. Alister “Atom” McAllister. Half-back, 1.47 m, 45kg, age 42, 75 caps. Once, regarded as too small for draughts, McAllister has been a regular rep since making his test debut against Farewell Spit in 1949. Great talker to his forwards. In the trials he

delivered such a moving speech while a scrum was forming that when the forwards broke up they were all singing “God Defend New Zealand.” Drives a Studebaker. Poet and .organic gardener. FORWARDS Brad “Chocolate Lips” Mcßuttock. No. 8, I.Bom, 83kg, age 31, 28 caps. Very dedicated player. Travels anything up to 50m each week to practise with his club side. Has warts on both knees. Fanatical trainer and runs 200 km a week with three sheep under each arm. Favourite film star is Burt Lancaster.

The near-sighted McButtock, who was once a top referee, is now a commercial pilot. Gareth “Boyo” Leek. Flanker, 1.78 m, 79kg, age 36, two caps. Former Llangocholeekiesmelly Unitied and Wales-on-sea representative. Describes himself as the best forward in the world. Sings in scrums and lineouts. Always offside. Has seen “The Sound of Music” seven times. Professional whinger. Charles “Snotty” Westnostril. Flanker, 1.57 m, 64kg, age 34, 30 caps. Small but violent. Makes up for lack of weight by loosening the opposition’s sprigs and telling dirty jokes in the scrum. Made miraculous recovery from a serious

washing machine accident to be fit for the trials. Uses his wife for crash-tackling practice. An extremely strong player, he refuses to use the showers. Fishmonger. Frank “Guts” Abdoman (capt.). Lock, 190 m, 147 kg, age 38, three caps. Impressed the selector by gaining access to the local pub by walking through a plate glass window and immediately downing 20 handles. Described by his mother as a natural. Eats corrugated iron before a match. Honoured with the captaincy because of his popularity with the other players. Publican. lan “Stretch” Length. Lock, 1.98 m, 76kg, age 30, 10 caps. Although forced to leave the field during final trial with a smouldering jock strap his position was never in doubt. Champion lineout forward and after match imbiber, his best figures are half a dozen in half an hour or one dozen in two hours (whichever comes first). Favourite food is fruit salad and half-backs. Lighthouse keeper. Fred “Animal” Beast. Prop, I.BBm, 108 kg, 33 caps. Out of favour since regurgitating in front of royalty, Beast stormed back into the reckoning by apologising. Tremendously

tight forward. Can’t remember the score of any game he’s played in. Doesn’t know how old he is. Favourite food is Courgettes Provencal with Hollandaise sauce. Unemployed.

William “Fists” Postlethwaite. Prop, 97cm, 25kg (these are 1954 figures and the only ones available), no caps. Something of a surprise choice after dunking the selector’s head in the punchbowl. Postlethwaite has developed into the team’s hatchet man. Potentially dangerous and great nuisance value at after-match functions. When not playing rugby he enjoys thinking about rugby. Favourite food is vichyssoise and chips. Unemployable. Fred “Tight” Head. Hooker, 1.68 m, 95kg, age 37, no caps. A controversial selection, Head did not play in the final trials and indeed has never played rugby. Got the nod when the selector saw him manhandling wool bales on the outskirts of Tutukaka. A very ambitious player, Head hopes to become the first Hen and Chicken Islands representative to become Prime Minister and Governor-General. Plays with one sleeve rolled up. Watches “Captain Pugwash.” Taxidermist.

But the tour is in doubt. Culture in sport has reared its ugly head, and there are claims of a breach of the Tryphena Agreement. The details on Wednesday.