‘Big boys don’t cry’—that’s a male myth...

Press, 30 December 1978, Page 13

‘Big boys don’t cry’—that’s a male myth...

Womens lib- bas marched a long way down the road to emancipation. Whether or not we are feminists; whether we believe in sexual equality; whether we want to be independent human beings, at least we have the opportunity to be free of all the sexual and social stereo-types that have inhibited us from time immemorial. New Zealand was the first country in the world to give women the vote. It has fallen behind the front line since in its recognition of the rights of v omen. But the Human Rights Commission Act should, if given the chance to be enforced, ensure that the rights we have fought for for so long are recognised. We can expect equal pax. equal treatment from employers, banks, and lending institutions; equal opportunity to do just about anything we like. In a lot of ways we’ve got it made. But what about men? Are they liberated too? Do

they get the same equality of opportunity and treatment as we do? It seems not. For, at least in one respect, men are expected — by other men and women alike — to behave like a man. The final discrimination today is the so-called ■‘male myth.” It is inherent in an attitude still common today — that men must be bigger and stronger, work harder, and be less emotionally sensitive than women; that “Big boys don’t cry” and "Strong men don’t weep.” Women are allowed to cry, to realise their emotions, to express their fears and to acknowledge their frailties. So why not men? Because, no matter what they say or do, and no matter how much thev deny it, men are more vulnerable, dependent, and emotional. Men are not only struggling to overcome their own person., m tions, but tlwrestling with the myth “stronger sex” lor cen-

turies. in the seventies, more than ever before, the male ego is taking a battering. It is very fragile; and women must take care not to destroy it. Emancipated women can emasculate the delicate male ego much more easily than their unemancipated counterparts. Not surprisingly, therefore, men are experiencing a growing insecurity about their status. As women are no longer dear little dependants. staying at home slaving over the proverbial hot stove, bringing up large families, and waiting for the momen when their breadwinner comes home from work, so men can no longer be expected to adhere to the he-man ideal. The old "Me Tarzan, you Jane” cliche has been overtaken by events. Men and women are more alike than different and it’s about time everyone admitted it. Neither sex that has shackled the has the copyright on “male" or “female” characteristics.

The difference between men and women is nature's own handiwork and will survive without any encouragement. There is no equality in differences. only war. But similarity leads to peace and friendship — a solid foundation for the recognition of equality on both sides. If we would try less to make all of them desire us and try harder to make a

few of them like us, we would find we liked a few of them back. If we didn't see a wedding ring on our finger every time we fancied a fellow, we might find we scared them less and they liked us more. We should fraternise with men rather than flirt with them. And if we can come closer to knowing them and understanding them we might find that, in meeting men, we are meeting ourselves.

Meanwhile, until that day. men have a lot of sexual stereotypes to overcome. And they have to recognise that the stereotypes are outdated and anachronistic in this world. They have to learn not to be afraid of admitting that they feel things just as much as we do; and, that most of all, they have to admit to being afraid.

Most men admit to everyday fears, such as being hard up, being unhappy at work; or to political fears, such as the situation in the Middle East or who will win the next General Election. But personal, emotional, and sexual fears are another matter. For example, is is extremely difficult for a man to say, “I love you,” to a woman. He sees all sorts of commitments tied up in those

three words. Even if he is already married, he is just as likely to become tongue-tied. And yet most women have a great need to hear these words. They don't seem to find it a major effort to tell a man that they love him. Men are also afraid of being dependant. Yet, undeniably, most men are very dependant on women at home and at work.

Dependance, as defined by men, connotes weakness. And, as every woman knows, "Mummy just can’t get sick.” Most men go through terrible traumas if their partner is ill — whether it is just a common cold or a more serious ailment. Men hate and fear anything they believe is feminine in themselves — anything they feel is “soft,” like crying, or even wanting to cry. They have

been told that, from the cradle to tin.' grave, and they remember that the term "Crybaby”, was the worst thing to be called at school. So they learnt not to cry. The first time I saw a grown man cry I was quite shocked. I had been conditioned, like everyone else, and I knew that men were not supposed to cry. They were supposed to choke back the tears, keep a stiff upper lip, and all those other old-fashioned mores. Yet there, before my eyes, was a man — a real man, I had thought — crying his heart out. And he wasn't anv the less a man for doing it. That was years ago, But, funnily enough, it hasn’t happened much since. I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of men I knew or knew of who had had a good ball when they were very upset or badly hurt. It’s quite ridiculous, when you think about it, that w'omen all over the world have the copyright on tears.

A final fear, and one that men are very touchy about, is their physical image. Any' man who is a bit on the short side or who is losing his hair hates to hear the words ■‘short” or “balding." They cover up their sensitivity with a blustery bravado, cracking jokes even at their own expense. While women compare themselves with the Hollywood heroines or magazine models, and their peaches-and-cream complexions and lithe figures, so men compare themselves with the Casanovas, Valentinos, John Waynes, Paul Newmans, Sylvester Stallones, and Dustin Hoffmans of this world. All of these “heroes” are tall and have a thick thatch of hair on their heads. Not until Woody Allen came along did men find a more realistic, less demanding identity. Yet a lot of men who saw "Annie Hall” felt uncomfortable — they saw themselves as the less-than-perfect Woody Allen

character, paled into insignificance and awkwardness next to the liberated, lively, good-looking Diane Keaton. The significance is simple Men without hair or height feel they are not living up to the macho image demanded of them in the past. Just like women who are fat or ugly feel they are not living up to the sweet, pret-ty-little-dependant image previously expected of them. Men have been raised in a society that teaches them they should take a dominant role, but they often feel overwhelmed by the responsibility. They know, from having ben told over and over again in the last few years, that women demand and need more than thev have been given in the past. In turn they hope that women will begin to comprehend the depth of their need. They want women to be more open with them and not force them back into the old convential roleplaying Men often feel that they

have to play a role with women, and so women often confuse the man with his mask What a man is and how' he acts are often discordant. Yet he is becoming increasingly willing to dispense with the role playing so that we can meet together on equal terms. There arc no exclusive domains any longer The o I d male "proving grounds" — such as the sports arena. business money — arc now meet ing grounds, where women have intruded and have found that they, too. can belong. The barriers are being broken down, and th* roles are becoming less rigid, with the happy effect that there is less stress in male-female relationships And the result is that women are finding out that men are human beings first and foremost, while men are discovering the same thing about women Is the so-called “battle of the sexes” nearly over?

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