After the brawl is over: rebuilding a marriage

Press, 23 June 1978, Page 10

After the brawl is over: rebuilding a marriage

A married couple, separated after years of violent quarrelling, are now reunited in middle age and reflec with pain, on the beginnings and conseqynces of their damaging conflict.

Dr John Dobson, head of the department of psychological medicine at Princess Margaret Hospital has read their accounts of dispute, explosive violence, and the fracture of the marriage. He comments on the stories of “Peter” and ••Barbara”: “It is unusual that Barbara retaliated when

Peter beat her and that eventually they came together again. They must be commended for their courage in looking at themselves, for working hard to understand, and for speaking out. "The story emphasises the complexity of the forces producing human behaviour. When under stress from their individual environments, unsuspected personality flaws led to a failure to handle ordinary conflict and to the eruption of unexpected and inexcusable violence.”

The sudden death of their elder child probably forced this couple out of a tragic stalemate and three years of separation. They decided on a spring cleaning. to find, in what had seemed a hopeless mess, the threads with which to weave their marriage together again. Looking for a fresh start, they moved to another town, perhaps making it easier to discard old habits and awkward associations. Barbara and Peter have worked through a lot of their former difficulties. They are now able and willing to talk about their earlier problems and are more like old friends than the sparring partners they once were. Barbara has said that she was shocked by “The Press” report last Saturday on violence in the home. She feels that another side to such episodes can be presented. “There probably are men who are nasty, sadisti< bashers,” said Barbara. “Bu* I feel there must be the exceptions Certainly in my case there were faults very definitely, on both sides. “The fact that these women are so unsure of the cause of their hus j bands' suddenly flying off the handle — after being normal, loving partners — made me feel that if Peter and I speak out. it may help to undo some of the damage to themselves and their children.” Real trouble in the marriage of Peter and Barbaia became apparent when she was pregnant. She had given up a responsible job to stav home to prepare for the baby. “I could and, perhaps, should have kept working. although we didn’t need the money,” said Barbara. Her leaving work, her loss of independence; the discomforts of her pregnancy, and her husband's preoccupation with business seem to have brought their life together to the crisis. “1 can’t even remember what the fight was about,” she admits now. "I do remember pushing him for a reaction, shouting. and arguing. Then he hit me. I can still see the shock on his face and I remember my reactions. . . how dare you hit me. a woman, a pregnant woman. And then it sank in “There is this very strong taboo that men must not hit women,” said Barbara. “I’m not denying

the need for a prohibition like this. But I think women have developed peculiarly female manipulative skills.

“The only way some men can cope with this in a highly charged personal confrontation is to lash out physically. I realised quite strongly at the start of these physical wrangles with Peter that he was much more affected, shattered in fact, by what he had done. "Talking to other women about this, at the time and later, 1 believe that we have a lot more control than men have in these situations. As I honestly examined what happend, I realised, I knew when, by continuing in a certain direction, by continually pushing Peter’s emotional buttons, I was headed for bad trouble. “I should have heeded the red alert to stop and try to make some order. . . I think that if you go past this point and into this violent, irrational path you might as well kiss yourself and a sane husband goodbye.

“It’s a very dangerous path, and the further you go along it, the harder it is to see daylight at either end. I doubt that, people would marry if they were at each other’s throats beforehand. There must be this trigger that is the clue: something, somewhere that goes drastically wrong.” After this first bad fight, things went from bad to worse. “Looking back. I knew I had one thing up my sleeve.” said Barbara. “If I ever wanted an out or an excuse to leave. it wouldn’t be my fault because my husband had beaten me. It all seems so juvenile now, but that’ how it was.” After the birth of their younger child, Barbara could see the situation worsening. “I suppose we shouldn’t have brought him into this mess, but I thought it might help things a bit.” It seemed now that every row finished with both of them getting knocked about. “Peter seemed to lose control rather more easily at this time,” said Barbara; “He was withdrawng more into himself as I picked away at him. I suppose I just wanted some sort of positive reaction. Some hope. Peter and Barbara had been married for 10 years. “For all our sakes,”

Barbaia left home with her children.

“Eight years after our first bash-up and after a very bad row the previous night, I left while he was at work. I went to my sister who had been urging me to leave for some time. She had never liked Peter and I knew I would have a sympathetic home with her until I found my feet. I had an idea that Peter would be very angry to find us gone. I had no notion of his pain and anguish until long after. Peter recalls that he recognised something was drastically wrong with their marriage only when he first hit his wife.

“Something inside me that had been white-hot snapped, and away I went,” he said when he began his story. “I think women have more idea of what is going on. At least they can talk around things more easily. I used to be astounded by the things Barbara used to come out with. She would accuse me of having other women. God knows where I would have found the time or the energy. “The business was a bit shaky at this time. I was having staff troubles and doing the jobs of three men. I suppose I just didn’t realise that things were a bit tough for her too. “It’s an awful thing letting violent feelings get the upper hand. Barbara used to dare me to hit her. I should have walked away. She would say I wasn’t man eough to fight back. “I couldn’t argue on the same level, so I suppose my instinct to hit out got the better of me. “There were times, too, when she would get accidentally hurt in our scuffling around; then off to the doctor the next day to officially note it down. I’m not proud of what happened between us; and it was devastating to come home that day and find them gone.

“Without any chance to present my side of things, there came a non-molesta* tion order, maintenance, and custody orders — all awarded in her favour. I felt cut down before I realised what was happening.

“I found out where they had gone and tried to see Barbara. After a few months I saw the children

at her sister’s, but only there, and not to take out. I found it very hard to deal with, I didn’t know what the children had absorbed of all this hostility, and found it very hard to play with them in such a tense atmosphere. “I tried to take our elder son for a walk — had him snatched away and was literally kicked off the property. “I was desperate. I found myself bursting into tears with no warning. It gets very hard to work when you are like that. Barbara would not let me see the kids because she thought I was suicidal. I probably was; but it was because of the deprivation , and the bizarre quality of the whole situation. Then Barbara moved back into their home and Peter was locked out. He recalled; “I came home from work to find doors bolted, a suitcase on the front steps, and no answer to my knocking. “I had this incredible battle with myself. Not only were my wife and kids in there but years of books and bits and piece I had accumulated . . . and a suitcase full of clothes was all I had. “I could have axed the door down and killed her t ... the only thing that stopped me was the picture in my mind of the kids . . . that and an incredible . steeling of my will.”

Peter says that the “bashers” 'will remain silent. It has been the hardest thing he has ever done, he says, to admit to another that he physically assaulted his wife.

After reading this account, Mr I. S. McDonald, director of the Marriage Guidance Council in Christchurch, said: “This strikes me as an authentic and very distressing account of the kind of situation we encounter all too often. “I feel disappointed that couples in such situations do not recognise that help is available, and very often fail to recognise all the signs of frustration and dissatisfaction in their partnership before violence occurs. “1 hope nobody reading this account imagines that the violent behaviour between Peter and Barbara was justifiable. It was, as John Dobson has said, inexcusable.”