African plot to confuse Western readers exposed

Press, 5 June 1978, Page 6

African plot to confuse Western readers exposed

By RUSSELL BAKER of the “New York Times” (Through NZPA)

Things are in a pretty mess in Africa.

First of all, there is the Horn of Africa. Lots of trouble there. It has to do with the Ogaden Desert. The Ogaden Desert is not to be confused with the Sahara Desert, and the Horn of Africa is not to be confused with Trader Horn.

If you are like most i people, which seems improb|able, since you are sitting ; around reading about the ■ Horn of Africa, you had probably never heard of the {Horn of Africa until a few months ago when newspapers and TV people took ■ it up. Why, you may ask, did I newspapers and television I Lake up the Horn of Africa rather than the Piano of Asia or the Sousaphone of the Indian sub-continent? Or if you are short-tempered, jyou may ask, why didn’t {they just leave it alone? The explanation is Zaire.

! Zaire used to be called the {Congo. Almost everything in {Africa, as a matter of fact, -used to be called something else, including Zambia, {which used to be called (Northern Rhodesia. I Name-changing was popu-

larised by Ghana (which! used to be called the British 1 Gold Coast and British i Togoland). After that Kenya,!! (which used to be called 1; Keenya), changed its name back to Kenya. This constant changing of names creates confusion among people who-'don’t follow African news every ,day. Idi Amin, for example, psed to be called Lord Greystoke. South Africa is still called South Africa, but Prime Minister Vorster used to be called H. Rider Haggard. • It was only natural, then, that sooner of later some place would change its name {to the Horn of Africa. The: {purpose was to prevent anybody from finding any place in Africa any more without buying a constant stream of new maps. This infuriated the Soviets (who used to be called Russians). Being extremely conservative and old-fashioned, | (the Soviets hate changeand punish it with 7-15 {year sentences in their! :labour camps. This is why; Siberia is still called Siberia. Since it was impractical; to send Africa to the labour! camps, however, the Soviets { decided to stabilise it in-' .stead. This is where Cuba comes into the picture, although, actually, Cuba says: lit isn’t in the picture. [

| And this, of course, is| -where the United States gets into the picture, because the United States says Cuba is, Iso, in the picture. The problem arises because of Fidel Castro, who (though still called Fidel Castro) would like to be called Henry Kissinger, but believes the name has to be earned. To do so, he is eager to send soldiers hither and yon in order to give alien places, the benefit of exposure to the! Cuban way of life. It was only natural that I when Castro heard the ( Soviets needed somebody to! stabilise Africa, he would volunteer. And only natural.: too, that the Soviets would send Castro maps to help him . orient himself. Which brings us back to' the Horn of Africa. When first heard of, Castro's: African expeditionary force { was reported in the Horn of; lAfrica and in Angola. This is like having ha|Pj your army in Norway and the; ■ other half in Pakistan. What : happened? The likeliest guess is that the Soviets (who hate change) had imprisoned all the Moscow map-makers who! had tried to keep up with the changing map of Africa, so that all Castro’s navigators {had to steer by were outdated maps, which left them'

: scattered all over Africa (which used to be called the Dark Continent). ■ ■ With the Cubans scattered like confetti at a wedding, and the smell of simmering arroz con poillo rising from every campfire in the wadis and the bush, the United States suspected they were taking over the continent. This irritated the President (who used to be called {the Imperial President) and ! exasperated Dr Kissinger (who wants to be called I Senator Kissinger). Both of i (them thought of the great days in Ho Chi Minh City (which used to be called i Saigon). Diplomats from around the {world flew into Kennedy Airport (which used to be called Idlewild Airport), for meetings at the United Nations ;i (which used to be called Turtle Bav). They all agreed it was a pretty mess in Africa. Haile h Selassie (who used to be : i called the Lion of Judah) I was dead. Stanleyville and ; Elizabethville had changed - their names to Kinshasa and I Kolwezi, or vice versa. II And what of the Horn of i Africa? No-one can say for . certain. , Petrol stations don’t give ■ out free maps to just anyl body any more.