Random reminder

Press, 5 October 1977, Page 44

Random reminder

DRY ROT

Once upon a time, in Christchurch, there was a journalist who drank a lot. He used to stumble about the city,- shouting and muttering; he accosted people at parties, raved at citizens in the streets, and was close to becoming a tedious bore. He embarrassed his family, alarmed his friends, and was sometimes a liability to his boss.

Then he saw the light. He decided he had a drinking ' problem; he sought out professional help; and he began to dry out. His health improved. He was much quieter at parties (when he bothered to go to them), and he passed quite unnoticed in the streets.

He began to save money. In fact, he did some quick sums about all the booze he wasn't drinking and found he ought to be getting quite rich. Each time

the prfee of drinks went up he smiled a smug, silent smile. Eventually, with much sober time on his hands for reflection, he began to calculate ail the money that the booze trade had taken from him in 20 misspent years. The sum was enormous — he’d damn nearly bought a brewery. Except that he hadn’t, of course. But perhaps it wasn’t too late. He began looking at the price of brewery shares. Finally, he took the plunge and bought some. Not many, in fact he worked out that at his rate of buying he might own a modest brewery in about 740 years. But it was a start. And he took a new interest in his own nondrinking habits, and in the drinking habits of his friends Because it was clear enough that the more

he didn t drink himself (and it was hard to drink less than nothing) the less profit he would make on his brewery shares

The only vzay to beat this looming financial loss was to encourage his friends to drink more. In fact, to encourage everyone. He began to accost people at parties if they dragged the chain: he shouted and muttered outside hotels when he saw patrons leaving before closing time. He became a tedious bore on the finer ramifications of the economics of what he now calls “my liquor industry.” In fact, he’s an embarrassment to his family, he alarms his friends, and before long he may be a liability to his boss That’s why he’s written this Random Reminder. Does anyone know a cure for the compulsive pursuit of brewery shares?