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Press, 31 August 1977, Page 40

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A DIP INTO THE FUTURE

The highly-paid cricketers who will play in the “supertests” organised by the Australian media magnate and cad, Mr Kerry Packer, will wear tiny microphones powered by transistorised packs strapped to their bodies so that television viewers can hear every murmur batsmen make. White may no longer be the obligatory colour for cricketers’ clothes, and sponsored insignia will be on shirts, trousers, and shoes. The wicket will be grown in a special big greenhouse and put into a prepared trench, like some enormous sporting hair transplant, a few weeks before the “supertests,” having been transported across the pitch on a cushion of air ... “It’s Denis Lillee, who now prefers to be known as Cold Water Surf for reasons best known to the sponsor and his bank manager, preparing to bowl from the Acme Supersafe Gasworks end, Acme being, as viewers will know, the only gas with added Lustrol and entirely safe for use in disposing of unwanted pets or unsightly relatives. Surf now bending over and adjusting his laces, which, being purple, can only be Loo-

pers, made from a virt u a 11 y indestructible space-age fabric and a favourite among garotting specialists, commandos, and marching girls the world over. Surf looking fit and well, as you’ll no doubt agree, Richie, as he should, having spent the last four months under sunlamps in a special conservatory while being intravenously fed norislw ing Bowla-gro, the completely safe organic food for professional bowlers. What a cheer the two spectators in the ground — apparently because their televisions had broken down — gave him as he was floated out for his first over on a cushion of air. A few words from you, Bruce ...” “Yes, Alec, I quite agree, the extra fourteen stone seems to have done him the world of good, and he’s actually looking quite spruce in that purple caftan from one of Mrs Pope’s 49 wonderful stores, both decorative and practical in that the batsman has no show of seeing the ball — a Barton Duraplast Thunderer, Of course — until it appears from under the natural-wool fringe along the edge of the poncho, this season’s fashion highlight without a doubt,

would you agree, Richie Too right, Bruce, er, Alec. Surf now lying supine on that cushion of air as the 16 cameras move in for close-ups of the insignia that cover his clothes. Now holding his feet up in the air as the lenses zoom in on the four sponsors’ insignia on thb soles of his boots. He’s looking very good, very relaxed. I see from the monitors strapped to his body that his heartbeat is a steady 84, his encephalogram reading is as normal as one would expect given his occupation, and his underarm humidity count is only slightly dangerous to passers-by. “His tiny microphone tells us that he is hums ming quietly, ‘Laughing All the Way to the Bank’ from the ‘Amazing W.G. Grace’ album he made with the former Geoffrey Boycott, now known as Kodak Instamatic, last year. Incidentally, Surf is the first bowler in the series we’ve seen with this week’s special offers at Four Square Stores tattooed in indelible ink on his face. What a sportsman! Still that’s cricket isn’t it! And now it’s time for a commercial break