TV fare not much to talk about

Press, Volume CXVI, Issue 34131, 19 April 1976, Page 4

TV fare not much to talk about

(By

A. K. GRANT)

And now, class, little Alan is going to give us a morning talk on “What I Watched in My Holidays.” Come along, Alan, stand out here. That’s right. Now pay attention, everybody. All right, Alan, off you go. “What I Watched in My Holidays," a morning talk by Alan K. Grant. First I watched “Crown Court" on Friday afternoon. It was only Part Three. The jury found the man guilty. I liked “Crown Court” because my father’s a policeman; but he isn’t really but I say he is to frighten the other kids. Then I had an ice cream. Then later on I watched “Whodunnit” with my friend Stephen and his wife and my wife and me. It was lots of fun, although they didn’t tell you enough at the end about why the good clues were good clues and the bad clues weren’t. My wife was the only one who guessed who the naughty man was who pushed the other man off the roof, so we told her she was very clever and then we pulled her hair and told her it was a silly old game anyhow. Then there was no ice cream, so we all had a Scotch and hundreds and thousands. Then we all watched a programme on “Tonight,” about Archbishop Delargey, Archbishop Johnston and Dr Breward, who were the bosses of all the Roman Catholics, Anglicans and Presbyterians. The lady on the programme said they were going to find out what sort of people the archbishops and the doctor were, but they only gave themselves about a minute and a half to find out about each person, so all we found out about them was that they were all very nice and very religious, which we knew anyway. I thought it was a silly programme and I am going to write to the “Tonight” lady and say “Dear ’Tonight’ Lady, I think your programme about the archbishops and the Doctor Breward was silly, Signed, Alan Grant, (aged 35).” Then on Saturday night I watched a bit of “Space 1999.” All the grownups wore silly clothes which made them look like grown-

ups wearing great big Mothercare Babystretch clothes, and one lady who was supposed to come from another planet had a funny metal wig which would have been good for scrubbing pots with. The trouble with programmes like “Space 1999,” about years which haven’t happened yet, is that they make you hope that those years never do happen, because everything in the programmes that happens in those years is nothing to look forward to. Then I watched “Edwards on Saturday” which was all about twins and had nothing interesting on it except for one little girl who thought that twins came from Porirua. Then I watched a pro-

gramme about a man called Evel Knievel who jumps over buses and canyons and everything on a motor bike. He seemed a very nice man and I felt sad thinking about this nice man who has to make lots of money by breaking his bones for people to watch. I hope I don’t grow up like him. I hope old fatty Roger Blogworth does though, because he hasn’t given me my ruler back. Then I stopped watching what I watched in my holidays and had a Scotch and did some colour-ing-in with my new crayons. And that is the end of my morning talk and hands up . all those who think that I • should be milk monitor for ever and ever.