Let’s not be English to the beasties

Press, Volume CXIV, Issue 33492, 25 March 1974, Page 10

Let’s not be English to the beasties

(By JOHN COLLINS)

This week, “Punch” contains a humorous guide to New Zealanders on how to treat British visitors. The author, E. S. Turner, provides a list of “do’s” and “dont’s” to help New Zealanders deal with the peculiarities of the migrant — under the heading: “Let’s not be beastly to the English.” To complement this fine project, we offer “Let’s not be English to the beasties,” some advice for immigrants in the struggle to deal with their hosts.

Don’t worry if a few people shun you because you did not have the sense to be born in the same country as themselves. It is a strange characteristic of xenophobia that those who suffer from it generally cannot spell it and do not know what it means. You do not want to start off your new life mixing with people who cannot spell. If you are British, the odds are that you suffer from xenophobia yourself. You will have to take more care with your spelling if you wish to succeed in your new life.

Upon hearing the words "First Four Ships” or "Working holiday in Europe” or "Brother working in England” — and any other phrases that identify a friendly native or pseudo-Pom — do not tear hair out, bang head against wall, etc., in anticipation of a boring anecdote. Do assume a relaxed stance and an interested expression, for you will hear wonderful stories of ancestors with 4000 acres near Penge. You will be borne on the wings of imagination as you hear of the breathtaking adventures of a young New Zealander working for seven months for the Post Office in London, with a daring three days in Edinburgh and an exotic stop-over in Singapore on the way back. Nod appreciatively as the British Museum receives its inevitable due, and under no circumstances consider the conversation at an end until you are set free with the final phrase: "determined to go back on another trip when the next child is old enough."

Do learn from the experience of the early settlers, who acquired vast tracts of land by offering the knives, mirrors and blankets that were in short supply on the “marae” (Maori word: see speeches on foreign policv, international understanding, housing, etc.). The modem settler could win over the natives with gifts of sugar, soap powder, portable generators, etc. Do not fall into the common habit of fabricating some enviable aristocratic background in England (see: "First Four Ships”). Some families in Christchurch have been doing this for generations. Anyway, sooner or later, some person of unusual intelligence will wonder why the Fourteenth Earl of Scumthorpe is working as a plumber’s mate.

If unusually talented or prone to working hard, do restrain yourself. This is considered an unfair advantage in New Zealand. When a New Zealander talks of all men being equal, he means just that. As you probably

know through reading the kind of humorous guides to New Zealand that bring in enough money for university lecturers to return to Britain, sport is an exception. You may work hard and be good at sport so long as you remember that you must not give any indication that you are happy. If you have the “good luck” to beat 15 opponents to score a winning try in the last minute of the match, do not under ahy circumstances smile.

(Note: Though the antismiling rule still applies, you may cry a little if you win an Olympic gold medal. Smiling indicates you are vain; but crying shows you are a sincere hard-working player with the team’s best interests at heart).

If you insist on working too hard, you may find yourself drinking alone (The Great Sin); more likely you will make the acquaintance of some Dutch immigrant, for they too are sometimes unwisely over-zealous.

Do not be too fulsome in your praise. Of course you

must mention the clean water, mountains, beaches, State Advances Corporation, etc., at least once in every conversation. But don’t overdo it. I narrowly avoided being punched on one occasion, when I unwisely commented that it was a great relief not to have great long traffic jams. I was indignantly asked if I was insinuating that New Zealand cities (Auckland) could not produce a jam to match any in the world.

If a group of New Zealanders are making fun of the peculiarities of the country and its people, do not make the fatal mistake of thinking that you can do so, too.

One day, it may take years, you will hear a very loud, very newly-arrived British voice unfavourably comparing New Zealand with Britain. You will feel a surprising urge to recite the well-known phrase: “If you don’t like it here, you know what you can do." Don’t.