Big majority of Indian marriages arranged

Press, Volume CXIV, Issue 33479, 9 March 1974, Page 6

Big majority of Indian marriages arranged

(By

A JAY SINGH)

While the divorce rate in the Western world rises annually, i traditional, arranged marriages in India continue to flourish and break-ups are very rare.'

To understand the success of arranged marriages, one has to look into the cultural and social backgrounds of die Indian people. For them the system works. My mother was 12 years old when she married. She had never known—let alone seen her future husband, nor 1 even heard of his family into which she had to move. •At the wedding ceremony she had to keep her head lowered and face veiled as : custom demanded. My father wore a turban with a veil of threaded flowers hanging from it. The first time they set eyes on each other was much later—after the ceremony, when they reached home. Although the joint family system is dying out in India today, in those days both my parents’ homes were joint families. That meant one big house full of inlaw's—the sisters, brothers, brothers’ wives and children, uncles, aunts, parents, and grandparents—the whole lot. The new daughter-in-law became the official assistant to

the mother, doing chores for her, such as cooking, clean-1 ing, and washing. She was not supposed to talk to her husband or in anyway show “familiarity” towards him as that would have been considered in very poor taste and very rude to any elders who may have been present. The only time they were alone was at night.

FIRM BASIS This was how the over-; whelming majority married and lived in India. And the truth is that an overwhelming majority of. them} succeeded. Divorce was practically non-existent.l People married, adjusted.! adapted, and grew old as companion-mates in the real sense. There were, of course, instances where things did not work out, hut they were few.

Things have. changed somewhat, but arranged marriages still account for about 90 per cent of the weddings in India. A vocal minority of college students does not accept the traditional concepts of marriage. Dating is now fairly common among them, and although family pressures are still strong, you now find a large number of couples in the parks during the evenings. The customs associated with arranged marriages

■ have also changed. People j intending to marry are | allowed to see each other! > after their families have de-! Icided that the marriage is' I desirable, and are even ! allowed to go out a few! i times before they say the! ■final “yes.” . Except among a small secjtion of the young, attitudes! to arranged marriages have! ; changed little over the j years. Even the young I people most exposed to the I so-called "modern” influences eventually seek arranged marriages. A surprising number of Indians who have been educated in Europe and the United States advertise in Indian newspapers for marriage part-i ners. Marital advertisements ■ ! generally go like this:“Wanted Brahmin bride, for handsome Brahmin! (caste is important here) boy, aged 24, qualified electrical engineer at present working for the Railways (this automatically informs the seekers of the boy’s future prospects), in perfect health. Phone 231589.” An intermediary for the i prospective bride (an uncle, her family priest, or the village barber) then contacts the people concerned. They go over - family background.! status in society, height, col-

our and looks of the young couple concerned. The next stage is the exchange of photographs and consultations with family astrologers. The astrologers are important, and have a icrucial say in the matter. If [all goes well the young [people and their parents !meet. usually over a cup of [tea served by the prospective bride. ! We students used to go iover these long columns of marital advertisements in the papers, for they never failed to provide amusement. Once we came across a “pearl” which was promptly stuck on the college notice [bo’ard. It went “Wanted [bride for virgin widower, age in early thirties. . . ■ Why cio intelligent, educated young people still go I in for arranged marriages in I India? There are many reasons for this. The most ob-

vious is tnat tney are more successful for Indians than “love marriages.” After all, as compared to the West, where broken marriages are so very, very common, in India people still marry once and for life. To me the whole idea of

an arranged marriage was ridiculous, but not so to I most of my friends and relatives. Thousands of years old traditions, social attitudes of a conservative community. and family pressures in a nation where family Ties are still very strong, all add up to make it so much ‘easier to-go along with them than to rebel. Al! your life the concept of growing to love your spouse, rather than loving and then marrying, has been inculcated into you, You get into a certain frame of mind where the roles are clearly demarcated and expectations are not so intense as in "love” marriages. They say that one reason why love marriages! run into difficulties is that! people expect too much! from each other and to continue as in the courting davs is impossible. Thus in the Indian wav you avoid the initial letdown that often follows “love” marriages. Also in the West there is a clear and accepted alternative if you are not getting along or! find life.with each other intolerable. You can go to the courts and change your wife' or husband. This choice is not really! open to Indians because of I the social and cultural set-

up. This, perhaps, is the most powerful reason for arranged marriages lasting. People are brought up to accept these attitudes and not many think of questioning them because they are to closely inter-related with their culture, religious, and [ social up bringing. Divorce would be a catastrophe for all concerned and would be social suicide. Hence you must accept and adjust. Attitudes to arranged marriages are changing slowly, however. A friend of mine once told me that no amount of Indian upbringing would make her accept the idea of going to sleep with a stranger whom she had not met before the solemnisation of i their wedding a few hours before. To her it seemed a [negation of life and love to “calculate” a marriage.

Townswomen’s officers.— Mrs N. McGarva was! elected president at the re-i ■cent annual meeting of the! [Someffield Townswomen’s[ Guild. Mrs A. Cullen was: ( elected secretary, and Mrs P.l ' Jacobs became treasurer. 1