Soundings

Press, Volume CXI, Issue 32554, 13 March 1971, Page 6

Soundings

by

DENIS McCAULEY

One of the worst features of women’s magazines in general is their preoccupation with testing the stability of their readers’ marriages or measuring their sex appeal quotient. You know the sort of thing: Are YOU Attractive Enough For Your Husband? How Much Sex Appeal Have You Got? Do You Know How To Please Your Man? Leaving aside the offensiveness of the suggestion that some amateur psychologist can lay bare any marital situation with a few harmless questions, the fact is these tests do not work.

The only person I know who lays claim to getting full marks in one is now divorced, and in the few I have done I have failed miserably yet gaily carry on in a conjugal state. One of the troubles is, the magazines expect every one to answer the questions honestly, but even if they are answered honestly most of the questions are at best vague and at worst dishonest any way. "Does your husband buy you presents?” ask the magazines, but they don’t ask whether he uses your housekeeping money to buy them, what sort of presents they are (frying pans or perfume?) or under what circumstances he buys them (after he has been locked out of the house for staying out all night?) There is not much that can be done about dishonest answers but something can be done about the questions. So, for better or for worse, the following questionnaire is designed with this in mind to test the stability of your marriage, relationship, etc. (Please do not send your scorecards to this newspaper). For wives and/or girl friends. Score one point for every one of the following you have heard in the last month. Add a bonus point for any you have heard today.

A: Now you’re being ridiculous. (He means: Good God, you’ve found out!) B: It’s purely platonic. (She won’t let me). C: I’d say she was about your age. (She’s about 16). D: I don’t think she’s very pretty? (She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen). E: She's not as intelligent as you. (She doesn’t need to be). F: You know I’ve never liked

blondes. (I just started liking a blonde). G: It’s not that ... (It is). H: If it makes you happy . I . (It bores me stiff). I: Let’s behave like adults about this. (You behave like an adult). J: Pm only thinking of the children. (The children have just occurred to me as a red herring). For husbands and/or boy friends. Score one for every one of the following you have heard in the last month. Add a bonus point for any you have heard today. A: I would never do anything to hurt you. (Goodbye). B: I didn’t want to say this. (I’ve been dying to say this for years). C: I’ve got a headache/earache/sore tummy/what about the children?/I’m cold. (She’s cold).

D: Marriage is an outdated institution. (Our marriage has had its day). E: He’s nowhere near as nice as you. (He’s got more sex appeal in his big toe). F: I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. (What’s wrong with my hands?) G: I’ll always love you. (I’ve never loved you). H: It’s not a question of money. (You’re damned right it’s a question of money). I: Please don’t make me hate you. (I already do).

J: The way you eat your egg always amuses me. (It drives me berserk). Now both sides together. Same scoring. A: You’re too good for me. (You’re not good enough). B: She’d/he’d make a much better wife/husband than me. (You deserve each other). C: You can’t seriously believe . . . (He's/she’s found out). If your score was 0-2 you can safely start making arrangements for your golden wedding anniversary now. From 3-10: see you in the divorce courts. Ten and above can be taken as normal.

Of course, if you think this and similar tests of the stability of your marriage are a load of junk, and you didn’t do the test (be honest now) you have a happy marriage. As for testing your sex appeal quotient, there is only one sure indicator of sex appeal and if you don’t know what that is you haven’t got sex appeal.