RANDOM REMINDER

Press, Volume CVI, Issue 31327, 25 March 1967, Page 36

RANDOM REMINDER

KID STAKES

The idea that a rapidlyexpanding population will eventually eat itself out of house and home is not a new concept. The inherent dangers were pointed out to us many years ago by a ■ gentleman named Malthus, who, deep in the throes of dyspepsia after putting away half an ox and a sack of Government certified Chippewa, postulated that “any population tends to outgrow its means of subsistence.” Let it be said that the waistlines of some of our confreres do little to refute his theory. Recently we read that an American professor of biology, fully aware that the world’s population is outstripping the production of food, prophesied that, by the turn of the century, married couples would be issued with coupons entitling them to have a maximum of two children or incur a penalty tax on any excess. This, of course, made us shudder in retrospect, for, if this had been the law in our dimpled diaper days, it is most unlikely we would even been here at all to give our comments. However, if such a coupon scheme becomes necessary, certain possibilities

cannot help but cross our disturbed minds. We would imagine, for instance, that, so as not to break with tradition entirely, the coupons would be pink for girls and blue for boys, and that surely the science of genetics would be sufficiently advanced to give us the right of choice. For a man who hates teatowels two girls would seem the best proposition. And to avoid setting up a special department, the issue of these Paternity Passes could be safely entrusted to the T.A.B. What could be more natural to the average Kiwi than to nip into the local agency for one on Pink Lass and one on Blue Boy. We think it only fair, however, that in the case of those marrying late in life, and lacking the confidence of youth, place bets should be permitted just in case they finish out of the major money. Up till now this all seems fairly well organised. But what is to happen when a sole ticket on Pink Lass begets a return of quads? The second leg. Blue Boy, must obviously be scratched, for the ticket-holder has already qualified for the penalty clause in the Pay-As-You-Produce Plan. But

of even greater importance, what is to be the fate of the excess arrivals? On the profit side of the ledger the two little Deductables are off-set by the brace of Penalty-bearers on the other. All father's efforts are for naught. In the interests of domestic solvency, two have got to go. We’ve toyed with the idea of labelling ther “Return to Sender.” but have been assured this involves supreme biological intricacies. We worry, too. tha* multiple births could hav< a very adverse effect or public manners, for, if th® right to, untaxable citizen ship is to be indicated bj the order of arrival, an/! this regulation reaches the ears of the trios or quartettes about to enter this world, we can foresee nasty pre-natal queue-jumping, with the old fashioned courtesy of “After you Sir,” disappearing like the subsidy on butter. It’s bad enough at our bus stop now. Nevertheless we admit the situation is sufficiently serious to warrant the restraining of prolific progenitors. For some of us it doesn’t matter. We even need the weather on our side to produce a decent crop of potatoes.