New Year Resolutions

Press, Volume LXXV, Issue 22906, 30 December 1939, Page 13

New Year Resolutions

££ I BE you going to make any New Year resolutions?” Sally asked, “Yes,” I replied, after a moment's thought, “I resolve to be master in my own house.” Sally could not have looked more surprised if I had resolved to fold my pyjamas every day. “It would be much more appropriate if you resolved to be a better husband,” she told me, acidly. “That, of course, depends on the taste and-fancy of the resolver. To my mind, I represent one of the world’s perfect husbands. You ought to look after me, because the race is rapidly dying out.” “Don’t you think that you might resolve to come from the office at a reasonable hour?” Sally interrupted. “Now I come to think of it, I might. In fact, I am quite willing to resolve not to go at all, as long as you resolve not to bother me about such trifling details as housekeeping money and dress allowance.”

“How about our each making resolutions for the other this year?” Sally suggested. “You mean, I resolve for you and you resolve for me?” "Yes, that’s the idea.” “Do you. imagine that I am foolish enough to put myself in your hands?” I began, pompously, “Suppose that we make a limit of three resolutions each,” Sally continued, unperturbed, “and we might introduce a' reasonability clause." "

(fIPBCIAZ.LT WHITTEN FOB THE PBESS.)

[By JEREMY CLAPTRAP]

“Reasonability doesn’t sound quite right. How do you spell it?” Sally registered extreme disgust. “It is extraordinary to me how you ever found anyone weak minded enough to employ you.”

“Nothing is to be gained by personal abuse,” I replied, coldly. “In that case, are we or are we not going to make each other’s resolutions this year?” “We are. It is quite the best idea you have had for a long time.”

We each sat down in a corner with a piece of paper and pencil and started to think. It was much harder than I had imagined, because I wanted my resolutions for Sally to have a personal bias which would in some way benefit me. I suppose Sally had the same idea, because she seemed to be doing a good deal of pencil chewing. “Have you finished?” Sally came over, smiling. “Yes. Shall I read out the resolutions I have made for you?”

- “Go ahead.” She settled herself in an easy chair. “The first is—l resolve never again to wear my new hat covered with fruit with a dove sitting , on the top; then I resolve not to discuss our occasional differences with my girl friends; and, 1 finally, I resolve to follow cooking recipes meticulously, instead of putting in a handful of thisi and a pinch of that.”

Sally listened to my resolutions in dead silence. “If that isn’t a vote of no confidence,.l. don’t know what '

“Not at all,” >1 said, hurriedly, noticing her pocket battleship appearance, “there’s nothing personal about, them.” “I don't mind the second and third, but what is wrong with my new hat?”

“There’s nothing right with it. It doesn’t keep the sun out of your eyes, it looks most uncomfortable and ugly, arid the fruit isn’t even edible!”

“I bought it especially to please you. It is a great pity that you have taken up that attitude before the bill comes in.”

“You know, I feel after five years of married life that I am unable to support a wife, Sally. You had better go back to father.” “No use. Father couldn’t support me either, so you will just have to keep on trying.” “What are your resolutions for me?”

“The first is,” Sally picked up her list, “I resolve to give away all my old clothes instead of hanging on to them year after year; then I resolve not to bring friends home to meals without warning; and finally I resolve not to scatter cigarette ash all over the carpet.” “Do I offend in all these ways?” I asked humbly. “If the number of resolutions were raised to 10 I should have no trouble in thinking of others.” “Please don’t. Three is more than sufficient.”

The next day, as I regretfully sorted out my old clothes gpd bade farewell to trousers that I had worn man and boy, Sally appeared and hovered Uneasily round the room. “Do you mind very much about giving away those old things?” she asked hesitantly. “Well, I agreed to accept your resolutions, so there’s no alternative.” "If you feel like that,” she stroked me absent-mindedly as if I were the cat, “I am quite willing that you keen one old brightened visibly—“provided you, agree to my wearing, ray new bat tWs afterxioonl’ij

for the married women, one for the married men, one for the boys, one for the girls, and. one for himself. Leslie selected five suitable areas within a radius of 25 yards of the place, and the undressing was accomplished without mishap. Members of the party then. collected their clothes and, deposited them at general headquarters. All this took some time to accomplish, of course, as careful preparation of that nature cannot be made in a hurry. Nevertheless everyone was ready for a swim by 1.50 p.m. The swim was not to come yet, however. Leslie Cooptown does not allow his charges to be precipitate in matters which call for every precaution to be taken. He informed his party that before unduly exposing themselves to the sun he would rub them individually himself with olive oil. He fully realised the danger of reckless over-exposure tb the sun, and while disdaining any application of olive oil for himself, his generous nature compelled him to give liberally of it to others. Leslie, as a matter of fact, wore a sensible costume which precluded any great danger of sunburn. It was carried out in an attractive design of blue and pink hoops, and effectively covered all his back and chest and most of his arms and legs. Few such costumes are( seen on the beach in these days, but Leslie believes that we owe much to the sensible habits of his own generation. Leslie then told his party that they might have a swim, as the time was now 2 o’clock, when the sun was giving its maximum heat. He thereupon issued his bathing instructions, which were simplicity itself. He did not advise anyone to go out beyond the knees, but if they did, and found themselves being carried out by the current, he told them not to struggle. As the heat of the sun was now past greatest intensity Leslie decreed

that some judicious sun-bathing - might do no harm. He himself she!- -■ tered under his specially made portable sun-bathing umbrella in case - he got sun-burnt, and extended the same facilities ,to other members of the party who desired to avail themselves of it. He timed the sunbathing carefully, commanding a stop after exactly half an hour, in case anyone overdid it. , Leslie then announced that lunch was ready. He is a great believer in sharing alike, and distributed the . sandwiches, which he had made himself, so that each member of the ?- party had one ham and one egg - sandwich. There was an odd sand — with over after this distribution, so, to avoid any allegations of unfair. discrimination if he gave it to one - of his guests, he ate it himself. He - then distributed a cup of tea to each of the party. Unfortunately the - milk had curdled, but Leslie said - that no one need drink his. tea if he did not like it without milk.,Pieface Walker did. not like it thus, so rather than waste this cup of tea Leslie Cooptown drank it himself. An apple for each of the party concluded a light but welcome luncheon. Leslie does not believe in beach parties eating too much. It ' leads to greater danger from drowning accidents, he says. Leslie Cooptown returned his charges to the Square with the modest pride of one who knows he has done his best to make others - happy and has done the job welL Even to the very end his genius for organisation and capacity for overcoming every • difficulty. no matter how small, triumphed. It was found, some time after he had reached : home, that he had left the camera (with which he had forgotten to take any photographs), his bathing cos* tume, and Onyx Billingford in the tram. It says much for his efforts that he was able to get them alt back in time to take them to tits, beach again on the following Sunday .