THE CHANGING SCENE.

Press, Volume L, Issue 14993, 13 June 1914, Page 11

THE CHANGING SCENE.

(By M.C.X.)

The sting, and then the embrocation. Hardly have we begun really to feel the announcement by Sir J. G. Ward that He is mighty particular about the newspaper peoplo Ho shakes hands with when a cable message comes along to relate that "the Rev. Charles Spurr, of Melbourne, speaking in Regent Park Chapel, declared that the newspapers moro often revealed a spirit of truo religion than magazines and novels."

No moro we mind t!w chunks of brick That "Constant Readers" throw; And no more cuts us to the quick Old "P.B. Publico"; No more we mourn the bencdie— Tion barred by good Sir Joe.

We mind no more the multitude Who tell us how wo err: In vain their ecmenre harsh and rude— We purr and purr and purr. Gay with the badge of reetil_o Pinned on by Mr Spurr.

In vain do Nash and Mun«ey wag Their merry monthly way; In vain docs Cynthia Stocklcy brag: She teaches folk to pray; We of the common daily rag Aro better far than they.

Between the lines that tell of ecraps A healing doctrine's etowed; Tho carnal-seeming loader wraps A new Sinoic code; The "locals" help you all, perhaps, Along tho narrow road.

And as the Press is Spurred to breast Tho wavps of wrath that flow From "Worker," "Justice," and the rwt Of all tho "who know," So may the Spurr in turn be Pressed - To let his fancy go.

In time the folk who want the news Will go to Spurr for thrills, * While pious folk with serious views Will run up paper bills; And meanwhile Joseph can refuse His bkesing as ho wills.

The anti-militarists who waited on Mr Massey tho other day urged that "a Department of Peace" should bo established. As the present Government is certain to be' defeated very soon, tho Department will bo in working order before very long, and in order to prepare the public for tho change that its coming, the clairvoyant attached to this department of tho paper supplies tho following extracts from newspapers of a future date: —

"Before Mr H, W. Archdeacon, S.M., yesterday, John Brown was charged- with having committed a breach of section 2986 of tho Peace Act, in that did, on October 21st, feloniously exposo to tho public view a Union Jack. Accused pleaded guilty. Tho representative of the Peace Department said that the offence, serious as it was, was rendered more serious by tho fact that October 21st was the date formerly observed as Trafalgar Day. This was the anniversary of an occasion upon which a notorious brigand had committed tho most serious possible, and the most disgraceful possible, breach of the peace. Mr Archdeacon: 'Is tho reference to Nelson?' The.Prosecutor: 'It is, your Worship.' Mr. Archdeacon: Tho case is dismissed.' "— Police Court News, June 2Gth, 1925,

••„.,. But when every allowance is mado for the ago and prejudices of a Magistrate whose ideas were formed at a time when tho .infamy of Nelson was still, unrecognised, wq cannot but repeat that our Courts will not long maintain their placo in the public's esteem if such misguided leniency is permitted to . . ."—Editorial Tn "Peace," Juno 26fch } 1925.

'The Peaco Forces wero reviewed on April Ist by tho Peace 3linister, tho Hon. Mrs Stoppit, and when presenting tho prises to tbe winners of tho Sprinting and Hiding contests, Mrs Stoppit took the opportunity to express her satisfaction with tbe degree of inefficiency attained by the mon, There were, it was true, a good many woll-dovcloped chests, but these blemishes would disappear with time, and sho looked forward with confidenoo to tbo day when every man would be thoroughly wellequipped to ho quite useless for tho purposes of offence and defence."—Extract from tho report of tho Peace Department, 1952. "His Excellency Nogi Tnkushima, the Administrator of our New Zealand province, reports that tho German fleet was sunk after a two days' engagement off Now Nagasaki (formerly Auckland City)."—'"Tokio Times," January, 1954.

'Mr G. Witty (or Mr Isitt, or Mr Forbes, as tho case may be) is a gentleman of considerable importance in tho party.—Opposition Press.. I" you wish to besj- the stamp, in tho true "progressive" camp, of a great big "Liberal" pot, You mu*t grow a tireleas lung, and acquire the "Liberal" tongue, and make your- , talk quite hot; You must never, neyer rest till you find the daily nest of a most undoubted maro, You must go it till the foe writes a paragraph or so on yonr fictions rich" and rare. And everyone will cry When yon reach that height, "Oh my! If they've got to notice _ia noble chap who nevor notice roc, Why, what a very celebrated •Liberal* pot this 'Liberal' pot must be!"

Be indifferent to fact, for the m_ who is exact can count on being ignored, I#oudly say that black is white till they've got to put you right, and % wondrous) victory's scored;

When exposed, repeat the t*"e; it's a dodge that cannot fail, as the seasoned statesman know?; Keep on being badly bowled, and you'll find yourself extolled as a rival of Sir Joe's. For everyone will say, Aa you go your slapdash way, "Jf he can keep on dashing along in a way thai' quite beats mc. Why, what a quite unprecedented 'Liberal' gun thia 'Liberal' gun must be!''

Thongh there's nothing diabolic in the character bucolic that your friends so love in yon, "Sou can soon attract attention by a wellcontrived invention, such'jeft three timefive make two. " Though your hesom fri&nds may wonder, practise hard the art of blunder, and you simply can't be missed, And a day will come along when they'll havo to write a eong to admit that you exist. And even Joe will aay, As he aces this wreath of bay, "If they laugh at him in tho very same way as they always laugh at mc, "Why. what a very influential new white hope this' new white hope must be."

"Mr L. M. Isitt," says the campaign correspondent of the Opposition paper, "descended triumphantly on Invercargill to-night. He had a reception worthy of a Prime Minister." Knowing what tho Opposition consider tho proper way to receive a Prime Minis-

ter, we must all deplore Invcrcargill's boorish treatment of Mr Isitt.

"Tho Passive Resistors* Union," said Sherlock Holmes, "the Labour Party, tho Social Democratic Party, the Socialist Leacue, the Opposition Press, tho 'Liberal' Party, the Wardito Party, tho Provisional Committeo of the Progressive Liberal and Labour Association, the Amalgamated Hoodlums' Lean"*-. tJ "- Federation-of Labour,-and the Burglars' Union, having repudiated responsibility for tho disturbance at tho Prime Minister's mooting, what do you infer?" "It was tho Fire Brigado that- did it," said Dr. W.Vson. '•My dear Watson," said Holmes, "yon aro wrong, as usual. Nor was it tl!© Domain Board. Think. Watson: it's only a problem in elimination. Who aro the on'y people who cannot bo hold to have, directly or indirectly, repudiated responsibility?" Watson thought. "Of course." ho said, "it was Bishop Grimes and Bishop Julius."

Holme« looked up from the test-tubo and smiled. "Good, my dear Watson. Go to the top."

The Leader of the Opposition has said that "people nuts 4 ; not run aw.iy with tho idea "that the Liberal Parry would not have a policy in plenty of time b.eforo the next general election. It would he a policy which would enable individuals to work out their own welfare" There is good reason for believing, although I cannot say that I havo any actual authority for asking the public to believe it, that the policy will also consist wwii tho precession oi the Equinoxes. It will in no degree interfere with the settled convention that rain shall fall downward. Those who have anticipated a revolutionary pronouncement will be agreeably (or, in the eoso of the Tories, disagreeably) surprised to learn that the policy is confidently expected to provide that people shall continue to wear tlioir hats on their heads, and their shoos on their feet. Eveiy card will bo taken to provide that virtuo shall be rewarded sooner or later, and that wickedness shall bo" followed by tho usual consequences. Nobody will be prevented from eating, bathing/sleeping, or otherwise iictinir in the interests of all. In fact, it will be provided that anyone who is at once wise; temperate, far-seeing, courageous, and unselfish, will flourish exceedingly. Care will be taken, of course, to provide that the law of gravitation shall continue to operate as usual. The outstanding feature of tho policy will bo the introduction of tho novel idea of preserving tho interest of tho nation as a wholo.