"MR DOOLEY SAYS."

Press, Volume LXVI, Issue 13888, 12 November 1910, Page 7

"MR DOOLEY SAYS."

Tho best test of a book, remarks a London critic, is that it should bear roreading, and from this test Mr F. P. Dunne's latest book "Mr Dcoley Says/ emerges with distinction.

Dooley discourses on all things under tho sun, but one sees most of his satirical humour in such pathetic subjects as divorce. Divorce is a luxury only enjoyed by the rich, but for the poor tho only release is death:

' ; No, sir; ■whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river. There's on'y wan decree iv divorce that th' neighbours will recognize, ;m' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall-bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fijie skylark iv a tim,prary husband I'd mako, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July, an' dischargin' th' old wan without* a charaekter. But th' customs ir th , neighbours are again it. "But 'tis different with others, Hinnissy. Down Bo Mitchigan Avnoo marredge is no moro bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' eld love an' on with th' new, an' off with that. Till death us do part' says th' preacher. 'Or th' jury,' whispers th' blnshin' bride."

"If people want to be divorced," says Mr Dooley, "I'd let them, but I'd give the narents into the custody of the children. They'd learn them to behave."

The suffragettes, of course, provide a .■mitablo field for the exercise of Mr Dooley's humour. He describes how a huge concourse of forty of them inarched to the House of Commons, where a loud and almost universal snore proclaimed that a debate was raging. Undaunted by tho stairs «*f the building .they advanced to the very doors, where an overwhelming force of three policemen opposed them : "A desperate battle followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin , cries iv 'Brute!' 'Monster!' 'Cheap!' ot cethry, at th , constab-lry. Hatpins were dhrawn. Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done a fit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be eufferin' f r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' little finger iv th right hand. Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' law charged on th' champeens iv liberty. A scene iv horror followed. Polismen seized ladies bo th' arms, and led thim down tli' stairs; others were carried out fainting by th tyrants. In a few minyits all was over, aY nawthin , but threo hundhred hairpins remained to mark th' scene iv slaughter."

Mr Dooley, like many other wise people, thinks there aro two kinds of justice, and waxes quite eloquent on the subject:

"In th' old days, if a man kilt another man, he took three jumps fr'm th scene iv th' disaster to th' north coirydor iv th' County Gaol. That still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has Fhried to rob him iv th' privilege won i'r him be his ancestors iv bein , quickly an' completely hanged." >

Justico is all a poor criminal asks for, says Dooley, and that's what ho gets. He doesn't deserve any better: "If I done wrong, I'd say: 'Don't deal mc annv justice. Keep it f'r thim that wante it. Undher th' circumstances, all I ask is a gT-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy I waive mc right to be thried he an incorruptible, fair. an' onprejudiced judge. Give mc wan that's onfair an' prejudiced, an' that ye can slip somethin' to."

The rich man, however, has rather different treatment. He is permitted to plead insanity on the strength of estate worth two million or more dollars. An expert is called (l>y the prisoner's lawyer), who tries to prove insanity : '■ 'Has lie been sane iver since?'says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have a care how yo answer that question, mc hoy,' says th , pris'ner, carelessly jingling tV loose change in hie pocket. 'Sane?' says th'-expert. ■■■'Well, I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how lie stayed feather-headed loss enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I don't mean army disri>spect'to th' coort or th' bar, but if yo gintlemen had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he lias, ye'd not i-0 ■vvasthv ye'er time here. There am t a man in this counthry th' akel iv this gr-reat man. Talk about Dau'l Webster, he was an idjut compared with thus, joynt intelleck. No, .sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able. magnificent specimen iv man, an' has been - yer since between twelve four an' tweive four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow* at that.*" As a bachelor Dooley is entirely opposed to the taxation of that muchabused though useful fraternity. He points out that they are a strong body of men politically as well as being handsome and brave, and thinks it ridiculous to imagine that a clumsy tax-collector could catch a bachelor of his age who has succeeded in avoiding the machinations of the fair sex for forty years;.

"Th' marrid men start all th' wars with ioose talk whin they're on a spree. But whin war is declared they begin to think what a tur-r-ble thintr 'twud be if they niyer come home to their fireside. ." . -So, th' day war is declared ye come ov-er here an' stick a sthrango lookin' weepin , in mo hand, an' I close down mc shop_ an' go out somewhere I niver was befuro, an' maybe- lose mc leg deiindin' th' hearths iv m« counthry, mc that niver had a hearth iv mc own to warm mo toes by but th' oilstove in mo bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men yo'd be wantin' to tax like ami sheart or a cow."

Speaking as a veteran bachelor, he thinks that fair woman is never so dangerous as when she's sorry for a man. AVhen he hears tho words '-poor man!'' rise to her lips, and sees tho nursoli'iht come into her eyes, ho takes up his hat and goes. If hi<? hat is not handy ho jroes without it. Ho advises ladies to look at their husbands and then think what the bachelors have saved many of their sisters from, and adds plaintively that bachelors aro not so from choice, but because they cannot make a choice.

A mustard-plaster, says Dooley, is tho real test of whether a pain is going to kill or not. If the plaster is unbearable, it is obvious that the pain underneath it is not.