POLLY ON THE STUMP.

Press, Volume LXV, Issue 13331, 25 January 1909, Page 7

POLLY ON THE STUMP.

AT THE PARROT-TALKING CONTEST.

Tho judge., two wise youug men from the east, were wafted in and took their seats upon the dais, armed to tho teeth with paper aud pencils, with which to record. the observ_tions of the feathered oracles to be saib-mit-te_ for their appraisement. A timekeeper also was supplied, and he toyed gingerly with a flashing gold watch. In front of the . jAitform were tlie cages imprisoning the competitors, which carried on disjointed conversations with no one in particular. One, whose cage was swathed in sarin 1, shouted loudly for ".Mr Green!" and refused to be comforted with anything less. Another, afflicted' with a nasai twang, enquired sadly "Anybody in?" A husky "Hullo!" filtered through a covering of green blind, whole other birds preferred requests for ail sorts of necessaries of life, from "Give us n bit of tucker" to "What about a drink ?"

The audience was mostly ladies, attracted, possibly, by the novelty of hearing somebody else talk, while the hearts oi the few men present dearly went out to the wise bird, which sug-ges-ted some-thing to drink, anil made no bones a*bout it. The terrm. of the contest wero simplicity itself. Each competitor was H_owcci ten minutes in which to disclose its repertoire, its owner, or other guide, philosopher, and friend was permitted to encourage its loquacity, and the bird) which made use of the most expressions within the time limit was to be acclaimed winner. Any intervals of silence occasioned by philosophic doubt on tlie part of the birds wore nuoro tha—. filled! by tho enimatcidi conversation of a couple of Jadiies at one's elbow. As a fact, they broko cover before tho bards got weld awtay. Naturally it was par-rot-talk, or, rather, talk about parrots. "A" friend of mine,'"' one confided!, "priced an ordinary-looking bird', and it *«_s forty pounds, and it could say (juite a iew words. The best way, I believe, is to get tbem quite young and train them yourself to say ail good words. They pick up- others so oasy." "Yes, Very," the other lady allowed', and they sighed magnanimously over tlie frailty of feathered flesh. But here com© the players—or, rather, tho talkers . It is a moss-green fowl edged with cream. Two young ladies are to softsoap it into colloquial' activity. Its name was Jimmy, and one of the fair attendants shyly colled it dear. "Hullo, dear!" was the exact expression sho used, but dear looked at her dully... She proceeded to sing **T_e Keel Row" and to dance -with her shoulders and millinery, but. James was coy and answered not. Then the two lad-ies lifted up their voices and sang a stave or two of "The Holy City," but still little Jim kept his cream-edged face shut. A coon song was brought into play, but dear was abstracted and morose, and turned the red eye of .corn upon bis flushing mentors. Time was up, and Jimmy was yanked out ot action with a rattle and a crash. "Evidently a clever bird," commented madam on the next seat to her confederate, "but he won't do nothing. A narsty position for those girls." The next cage and tho next bird hove in, sight. A timid little lady and a lachrymose child danced attendance on the creature. It said "Hullo" in a matter-of-fact sort of voice 7 and ever after held its peace in a grip of steel. "Where's Jack?" he was asked.* Dick (for that was his bap—_anal ~na.me by all appearances) didn't know; at all events he didn't say. The lady, Becoming impatient, tore him. from his ravelled perch and stood him on top of the cage. Precious moments were lost while Dick combed his back feathers out. He had a blue patch round a black eye, and looked unutterable things at everybody. His ten minutes expired, and he was rammed back into hia cage again. "It's the hot diay,-" chirruped Madam. "I s'pose it affects them just like us." The same lady had a second string to her bow, but was no more fortunate -with this one. She -ailed him "Mother's Boy"—he was a bleary old rascal—and in return he rasped out, "Pretty cocky." Then srilence reigned supreme. "They're subject to bronchial complaints," Madam was saying, niter the parrot dosed down. "T dnnno," her confederate retorted acidulously, "I know if he was mane Pd bos his ears." A bird in pink and grey was next swung into the lists. The young lady in charge of him kept the cage darkened, and her representative, covered himself with glory. Ho called a visionary oat, bade everybody a hoarse "Good-bye," coughed a litt'lo, asked plainly for a drink, shouted "Whitebait/ clnri-ed the family tree and named "Aunty,'"Eddie," and several others, contributing altogether a most brilliant per"formance. The bird that had previously screamed for Mr Green had been educated along quite unconventional lines. He was a comedian of high degree, but tho audience distracted him, and lie got put of band. However, he whistled and sang with great verve, and concluded each effort with a hearty British cheer. He danced nimbly, too, but the cheering habit had cot _ into his bones, and he rent tho air with a hilarious "Hip Iboorayt" on the slightest provocation. The next bird was unfettered, and strolled about the stage with feet two sizes too big for him. He was an amiable young rip, but not garrulous. He observed "Cocky want*} a drink" two or. three times, awl that appeared to be the limit of his requirements. At any rate, he said nothing about any others. "It must be perfectly tantalisin' when they won't talk," observed Madam. And then she went on to describe a dog they once had which died in their hands. "It was just an- ordinary little dog," , she piped, with the vox "humana stop'out, "but it had such a beautiful expression in its eyes. You know, you hate to lose anything like that. They're more, like friends, aren't they?" Other parrots came and went" as silently as thieves in the night, and when t3ie seance closed Madam was talking pigeons, and the shame it was to bring cats away from their homes and show them .in cages—poor things that were always used to going where they wan.ted to, not like dogs that had to be tied up and understood every word you said to them. And some of tbem were not much more than kittens, the little dears, and them so frightened that they hid under the straw. No cat of hers .....