HOLIDAY HUMOURS.

Press, Volume LXIII, Issue 12972, 27 November 1907, Page 2

HOLIDAY HUMOURS.

HOLIDAY HINTS. Bi J. M. Jacobs (Author of 'Tho Scourge of Mortals," efc.) FIRST CATCiaT'OUR HARE Tho first man on record had a holiday all the year round —and a goodly spice of tho old Adam etill lingers in the most up-to-dato of us. Some men are born to holidays, some achieve holidays,' end some have holidas's thrust upon 'era; but tho rest of ue must either beg, borrow or eteal them. For what is Man? "A Featherlees Biped" wae long since shown to epply equally to a plucked fowl. "A Cooking Animal" "would now hardly include more than the better half of him. But "A , Holiday Animal" at once marks him off from his nearest of kin—imagine a baboon taking a trip to the seaside, or a chimpanzee spending a week-end on a farm! Tho "Shorter Hours" movement will soon be swallowed up by n "Longer Holidays" movement, and it will become a high crime and misdemeanour to york more tban a certain number of weeks in tho year. And then each Board of Guardians will have to build its own "holiday-hoii6o" by the eva. for tho benefit of those poer folk unablo to earn their own holiday; with Casual Wards for merely temporary trippers. There are, of course, holiday spendthrifts .who riot awey their months; and holiday misers who hoir/1 up their minutes. And yet the Bank of Time sometimes fails to pay 60 minutes in the hour to these last— as Tvitncse "'Lucky" Timmine, who went out to India with right to I don't know how many months' leave in the year. But he «ived and saved it up, until he had eeveral years to his credit and boasted he was going to take the j finest holiday" on record. And then he wae in such a hurry to catch the steamer home, that ho caught a sunstroke instead. Alas, poor Timmins! WHITHER AWAY? Many seem to chooso their holidayplace on tho cobbler principle, i.e., they stick to their "last." "I've took ray tniesua to Margit' five-an'-twonty years runnin'," confided my man of coles and heels, "an'—would yer beliovo it?— she's took it into 'ea* 'cad to go to Ramsgit' this time!" Contrarywise, there are others who wouldn't dream of patronising the same place twice. "Folkestone! Why, I once stopped there overnight when I missed the boat!" Some folks regard tho summer holiday as the main business of the yenr, m<l Christmas is no eooner gone than they begin studying maps and plane md weather records for tho past two centuries. Others, again, don't decide until the lnet minute; and I once mot a friend with a beg who had no idea where he was going: "It all depends upon tho first train off!" said ho. But 'quot homines, tot—summer resorts," a.i the old might have said, and ] the only positive advico to euit nil i cases will bo negative: Don't go whr-o your father-in-law, mother-in-law, e;o----tcr-in-law, brother-in-law, and the people-next-door are going, that is if yonxl rather not. Nor where you're sure to meet the laet girl who jilted you, or tho man who owes you a horse'.vhipping, or tho doctor who predicts for you an early grave. Nor where your cole resource in wet weather is your umbrella, or the only green to be jeen with the naked eye is in the vegetable market. If you delight in playing concortjpjje ?o the tune of "What ere the -WRti Waves Saying?" it's ac well to fight ihy of those eeleet spots where "Coughing, laughing, and eneezing are strictly \ prohibited!" Or. if you've travelled 1 hundreds of miles to secure absolut© rest and quiet, it's better to avoid those sands where "Standing Room Only" is the rule from the beginning of the 6eason. It's not advisable to spend your holiday in bed, unless your npinion isn't aeked; nor in gaol, unless you happen to be a Suffragette and -/ant spare nny other time. If you're very much in debt; a Martello Tower 13 as safe a place as'any; nnd if you needs must grow c beard, th© Orkneys ana Shetlands. The main thing, in fine, is to make up your mind as to what, sort of a place you prefer and to see that you get it 1 remember wandering disconsolately about a little Welsh town one fine morning and thinking all the people mad becauso they couldn't direct mc to the sea-front. But when I discovered at last there was no sea within twenty miles or bo—well, I wondered what (hey thought of mo.' But. of course, you're hardly likely to light upon a snot free from the great drawback of this world in general us a desirable residence : that you can't have everything at once. "It's all very fine," said n merry Mancunian, as we gazed spellbound at a glorious rainbow on Windermere, "but when the sun goes down— you give mc Blackpool!" And, finally, don't forget that you'll (probably) want to get home again; and beware of the awful example- of the man who went to Jersey forty years ago and is still afraid to face the journey back. PACKING UP. Never start a holiday on a Friday— if you can get away on the Thursday. Haying once determined on the place you are delighting to honour, the next step is to pack off as soon as you can. And when 'tis done, 'twere well it were done quickly; although speed isn't everything at holiday time. , "Wot's the good ,of takin' my gal -out for a tuppenny ride, now," grumbles 'Arry, "w'en the 'lectric car takes yer there 'for yer knows were y'are?" laugh at the woman who spends a shilling in fares to save three ha'pence at a sale—' but what about the man who wastes half a day to save five minutes by the fastest tramP And even then it's sometimes a case of "more haste, lee* speed;" for, Frailty, thy name is— Bradshaw! There's a mean, of course; and chili dren havo been known to ago years between the booking-office and their destination—though this isn't always a question of means. Remember, you may travel to the other end of the world with a tooth brush—but you'll want more luggage if you're only going \o Margate. How much to take is a question that only tho more heroic spirits can resolve by total abstinence, even watches have been declared superfluous at holiday time—but gold watches come in handy in case of need. Most people, to be sure, err in the contrary direction, and their excesses will never be brought home to them, until "all luggage, except in arms, must be paid for." (One's family, by the way, can hardly be classed as luggage; even if 'lawful impediment" does mean f>retty much the same thing as ''legal ugjjage.") If only the railway companies could classify our worries and our trouble* and our ill-humoure es "dangerous explosives" and compel us to leave them behind! Yes, even our pill-boxes and patent medicines too; for I fancy it was a healthy superstition that forbade physic in the dogdays t If we could only look inside oui fellow-passengers' portmanteaus, we should see somo queer assortments, al» though brickr-linod bags are growing scarcer now that landladies are growina wiser. The oddest holiday luggage I've ever come aorosa was a Frenchman's huge box filled with—coppers! No, it wasn't that he had a mania for automatic machines, but in thoee days French coppers circulated freely here.

and my acquaintance earned his fare by the transaction. LAND- (AND SEA-) LADIES. If you're driven to engage rooms from a nhoto—be euro it's a photo of the landlady I Don't expect to find angels letting lodgings, as they're usually otherwise engaged. If you are lucky enough to come across one, respect her incognito or ehe is like to "fearfully and suddenly vanish away." The only angel of a landlady "that over occurred unto ma was at Cambridge, of all place in the world: but alas I what do immortals heed of "ten o'clock" rules? So the prying Proctors soon took away her licence and bade mc seek fresh rooms, and extras new. But holiday landladies for the most part are only human ; and, after all, why should not seaside cats share in the general improvement of appetite? Besides, change of quarters makes half the difference sometimes; and I've known a mere shifting from one side of a square to the other to double one's butter bill. But, at the worst, it's hardly worth while leaving hidden warnings to them that may come after you; e.g. "This place is only fit for pigs," which once stared mc cruelly in the face on a Matlock cruet. Take good care of your landlady's goods and chattels, for she invariably sots a high value on them; as you will find to your cost should they appear in the bill. .... , . , I innocently agreed with my friend Benuchamp the other day that the exorbitant rent of seaside lodgings wae a bitter pill for tbo middle-class digestion ; but he took a mean advantage by adding that they were now worth a guinea a bos-room. Boarding-houses have advantages of their own, but then, of course, you can't be as select as when you're keeping your own company. There's our neighbour, Mrs Haughton, who has hardly yet got over the shock ehe had last summer, when whom should she find eeated right next to her but her own Liza Jane! Luokily, as sho says, ehe retained sufficient presence of mind to • give her notice on the spot. If you're staying at an hotel and en- , titled to a r*xluction on the tariff by virtue of being a cyclist, or a commercial traveller, or a cabinet minister, it's ac well not to mention it until the bill's made out. Even then, it's safer not to overdo it, 'like Harper, who claimed to belong to the C.T.C., the P.Q.R.S., and half the letters in the alphabet, and Avanted 10 per cent, discount per letter. Whereupon, mine host bethought himself of one or two little items he had omitted, euch as tivo guineas for shaving water and half a guinea per day for boot-cleaning; and Harper wae eorry ho spoke. THE GENTLE ART OF MAKING HOLIDAY. The eecrot oF successful holiday-maJj-ing is to have nothing to live up to; 1 and if only we could all blacken out faces on tho beach, we'd all be as jolly as eandboys. Bear in mind that the seaside is a place for freeh aiir—-not fresh airs; and that it's your*holiday— "not Lancelot's, nor another's." Don't go bathing at six in tho morning, if twelve suits you better; much more so, if instead of the mighty ocean you prefer tho still, email tub. Don't give the local coxswodn a chanco of saying youa , life at an absurdly high valuation ; insurance companies only reckon on fair wear and tear and railway ( companies change a shilling a mile for londed coffins. When in Rome, do as the Romans do—if it's the fashion to sit on the doorstep, don't make yourself objectionable by sitting on the window-eill. Soa-water isn't good for patent leather shoes; and it's as well to.teave your diigntoy behind in the bank with the rest of tho family jewels. "Heil fellow, tvell met!" may hare its limitations, even when tempered with OBone; but remember it's only on holidays that we can be our natural selves. Don't forget, on tho other Jinnd, that wo can't afford to bo our natural selves all the year round: and if Sir Willoughby de Broke, Bart-., of Forest Pin 11, turns out to bo known as WiLl Brooks, clerk, of Wood street, for fifty weeks out of fifty-two, it's absurd to consider that your good nature has been imposed upon. Poor Mm Winkle will never forgive hereelf for snubbing ' Airs Jones in town, nor Mrs Jones herself for giving her the ohamoe— now it turns out that Mr Jones is head of the firm where Mr Winklo is only head of a department. Edwin Tubs hie eyes to find the Honoura.blo Angelina llianding him his tea at Lookhart's ond sarcastically inquires why eho isn't at her castlo; and sho retorts that she had been waiting for him to call for her on his yacht. Such contretemps can only occur through breaches of tho first principles of seaside etiquette; thet .holiday friends aro not made until death do us part, but until we part at the railway station. Half tho discord in life occurs through mistake in key; and souls in harmony at holiday pitch might bo sadly ill-assorted in .the workaday world .Hence the seaside is the . finest plnco on earth to fall in lovo— but marriaigo? "Ay, marry, that's another thing!" ,