IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Press, Volume LXIII, Issue 12969, 23 November 1907, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

"So you ore writing stories.'' said the friend. "Not exactly," answered the cynical litterateur, "I am merely furnishing a certain amount of text to keep the illustrations from running into one another.'" —"Washington Star." ■ Vicar's Wife: "Xo; the vicar is not in juwt now. Is vnere ony message you would like mc to give him when lie returns?"— Old Woman (cheerfully): "Please, mum. .Martha Higgins would like to be buried at two o'clock to-morr-ow afternoon.'' —"Punch."' lan Maclaren used to tell with gusto tho story of an old parishioner whom ho visited during his Glasgow pastorate. His last hour was approaching, and tho visitor tried to prepare him lor it by expatiating on the perfect ness of the heavenly state. " Wull there bo any whuskey in Heaven?" feebly asked ' the (lying man. Lan Maclaren attempted gently to explain to him that no one would want whiskey in Heaven. "Wanted or not wanted," said the old man, querulously, shaking his head, "I aye like to sco it on the table." A Washington doctor was recently called to his telephone by a coloured woman formerly in the service of his wife. In great agitation the darkey advised uio physician that her youngest child was in a bad way. "What seems to be tho trouble. 1 '" asked the doctor. "Doc, she done ewallered a whole bottle of ink!" "I'll be over there in a short while to see her," said the medico. "In tho meantime have you done anything for her?" . "I done give her three pieces o blottin' paper, Doc," said tho negress, doubtfully. Many anecdotes are*told of tho lato Richard Mansfield, the famous actor. Mansfield hired a private secretary a few years ago, but was compelled to discharge him because ho could not spell and was otherwise lame in the matter of education. "When the young man had received the notice of his dismissal lie went to the actor and asked for an explanation. "Tho fact is," he was told, "your education is too meagre for the requirements of the position." Greatly offended, the ex-secretary exclaimed: "Why, air, my parents spent 5000 dollars on my education." "Then, mv dear boy," said the actor, "I would advise them to institute proceedings for the recovery of the money. They were swindled." On another occasion he was drilling a super to rush on and cry, ''Tho enemy aro upon us!" The poor dullard tried it again and again, but could not approach even remotely to the ideal of tho actor. Finally Mansfield rushed on and gave the line in his own best style. "There," said he, "like that." "Why, sir," aaid the timid super, "if I could do it like that I would not be getting only three dollars a week." "What I" replied Mansfield, "do you get only three dollars a week? At that price, my boy, say it any old way you choose."