MR DOOLEY ON OCEAN TRAVEL.

Press, Volume LXIII, Issue 12969, 23 November 1907, Page 7

MR DOOLEY ON OCEAN TRAVEL.

Mr Dooley thinks there are drawbacks even to tho Lusitania. Among these ho reckons wireless telegraphy. He says:— "Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th' Atlantic Oooan annyhow, an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a toav iv office buildings. Th' grand times they must 'ye had I All th* time they were on th' bounding billows th wireless tillygraft kept thim in touch with home. Th' day was whin a man got on a boat an' was lost fr a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers iv modhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game iv pinochle with another fugitivo that he's just met, whin a messenger boy comes down th' deck on his bicycl© an' hands him a tillvgram with glad tidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his furniture, or th" fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other hand w© know all about what they are doin' on board th' levithin. Just as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island oV floatin' on a raft an* sigriallin' with a red flannel undershirt she picks up rb 1 pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th* ship is Malachi Hinnissv a wealthy bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attritions to a pretty widow from Omaha aro most marked. They make a ha ndsoiiK* counle.' " He yields to no one. however, in his admiration for ocean travel. He remarks :— . "A boat's a boat even whin it looks like a hctel. But it's wondherful

annyhow. Whin-yf <»»• *• «»«nk w it 'tis wondherfnl that army man cud cro«s th' Atlantic. in annything. Tli' Atlantic Ocean is a fine body ov wather. but it's a body ly yather j ust th 1 *ame. It wasn t intmded to be thraveiled on. cud put ye'er foot through it an "yj . It '» sloppy coin' at best. Th only time a human being can float in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horsesho© into it an' th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross an' he builds a boat iv th' same mateeryal as a millyon horseshoes, loads it up with machinery, pushes it out on th' billows an* goes larkin' acrost thim as happy as ye plaze. It he didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd tako a dure off its hinges an' go on that. All ye have to do is tf> tell him there's land on th' other side ir th* ragin' flood, an' ho'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at it.' Ye talk about the majesty iv th' ocean, but what about th' majesty iv this here little sixty-eight by eightecu inches bump ir self-reliance that threats it liko th' dirt undher his feet? It's a wondher to mc that th' ocean don't get tired iv growlin' an' roarin' at th' race iv men. They don't pay army heed to its hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it as though it was a good dog. 'How lovely th' ocean looks undher our moon!' Whin it rises in its wrath they show their contimpt fr it be bein seasick into it. But no matther howit behaves they niver quit usin* its face fr a right iv way. They'll niyer subjoo it but it niver bates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little man's struggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a decision on points." "Well, it's all very well, but fr mc th" dhrv land,'' said Mr Hennessy. •'Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?" "Not," said Mr Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run the boats on throlleys."