ASTRAL INTERVIEWS.

Press, Volume LXII, Issue 12378, 18 December 1905, Page 3

ASTRAL INTERVIEWS.

. ♦ MR DOOLEY OX OUR FOOTBALLERS. (BT OUB ASTBAL BEPORTER.) "What's this ebout fh' Now Zealand footballers?" asked Mr Hennessy. "They're gr-reat la-ads, : ' said Mr Dooley. 'They come frim what Hogan ! calls 'Gawd's own counthry.' Tis th , < la-and iv n:e frind on' fifth cousin ! Jl-chard Seddon', th' gintleraan what keeps his hand perpetchooally on th' gr-reat heart, iv the people, on' his other arm round th' neck in an iligant etlirangle hold. A New Zealand footballer is a versatil lump iv divilish ingiiicoity, Hinnissy. Hβ must weigh , foortopn stun, break tin eooonds f'r th' j hundhred, kill a bullock with wan. blow I iv hi«s first, jump six feet high, and have sivera! nick-namos. r ' ''What's nick-names got t' do with it?" asked Mr Hennessy. " Don't shew y'r ignorinco, Hinnessy." eaid Mr Dooley, "'tis f'r tlv pa-apers. Wliin Smith gits tin thiies in as many minutes, 'tis impossible t' refer t' him on aich ocoasion «i> Smith. 'Twud b3 again' all thVthraditions iv British joornalism. His iligant paltreenymic must be varied with "Tlr Auckland Greyhound," 'Greased Lightiiin , ,' , "Th' Winged Death," an' other iiloominatin' phrases. Th' New Zealanders is hot stuff, Hinnksy. When they come away mc frind Richard addhressed thim *o loud that they had th' gr-reateet difficulty in oatchin' a wurrd here an' there. 'Mc bnavo bhoys,' he paye, 'remember ye must sthrike f'r th' Inipiro, New Zealand, Koomara, Canterbury mutton; and mesilf," ho taye,—'meeilf most iv all.' Tli' advice wae closely followed, Hinnissy. Wan morning England woke up an found that a Land in fifteen ndvenchoorers had arrived in th' night. 'Jawn, cays th' Honoorablo Pulsington Culteney "to his vally, 'I think I'll go down an' eeo th' bould Doyon bhoys annihilate th , CawlcrayeJs tlue afthernoon. These la-ads frim overseas must bo oncouraged. Lave mo out <a dark euit an' a black tie, an' niver mind th' but-ton-hole,' he says. ' 'Twill bo like a. funeral,' he says, 'an' army touch in colour wud be discoochus t' th' visithors. Ho was right, Hinniray; 't was a funeral, hut th , brave Devon bhoys rode in th' front cerrege." "I thought they cud play football in England." eaid Mr Hcnnesey. '•So they can, Hinnissy," said Mr Dooley, "in their own way. I heerd Hogan saym' somethin' th, , other day about th' langoors on' lilies iy varchoo.' J Tis a bewchus description iy English football, which is th' issince iv gintlenes3. Whin th' ball is kioked off, th' forwards eawnt'r jafther it about as fast as a Chinyman with a vegetable bashkit on a warm day, an' wait p'litely till an oppos&n , back puts it out iv bounds. T would be th' height iv bad manners t' interfere. Thin th' two eidee conduct some dignified manoovres in th' centre iv th' field, like th' accounts I read in th' pa-apers iv a Horse Gue.rds p'rade. By an oy wan iv th' three-quarties i aays he is gettin' chilly an' 6Uggeste scoorin' a thry. Th , captain iv thY side thin informs his opponents iy the contemplated roanoovre, f'r English football is the cowl iv punotilyusneSs. 'Our backs,' he says, Svill sthnke f'r the right han' corner,' lie cays, 'so look out.' Th' enemy ooncenthrato their foorce there, an' there's a thrilling ethruggle. May be they git a thry, may be they do not. Thin th , , manoovres in th' centre are raysoomed, an' 6O on. There was a. time, Hinniesy, whin no Enigliehman that wint into a scr-rap f ilt a doubt as t' th! raysult. Th' only Question was how long it wud take t' git a cinch on tli' other feller, an how much there wud be in th' way iv Bphoils. But the New Zealanders have made a sa-od change Hinnissy. Whin' these devastatin' demons 'iv desthrucshun go down t , Puddleboro' V meot th' county fifteen,th' home captain oddhresees his men wid a quaverin' voice an' tears in's eyes. 'Bhoys,' he says, *ye're goin , t' sure death, but fr the honner 'iv th' county let it not be moro than a fifty pints beaten.' Th' president iv th' club promisee t , give a goold medal t , each man iv th' team keeps th' visytors down t' forty-five, 'an a life pension t' th' man what raygisthers a thry. Thin' they go and git beaten b , forty t' nawthin an' the' pa-apers applaud their manif'cent struggle. 'Our bhoys behaved like heroes,' they says. 'They were beaten, but not diehgraced. They wore equal t' th' inimy in all pints iv th' game excipt th' ability f ecoor thrics.'" "P. A. Vaile is won iv thira, isn't he ?" said Mr Henneesy. "He is not," said Mr Dooley. "His is a higher distiny. He wint Homo Hinnis?y. wid a c'mission frum himself t' rejoovenate th' British Inipire. He lives en th' top iv th' Monumint, an' talks t' th' wurrld at larrgo tlir , a migafhun. ''Ye're a set iv , iffete Consarvatives,' he says, 'f'r ye don't evin know how t' git o spin on a tinnis ball. Onlete ye use mc patent putter, ye'Jl lose y'r lraperyal soopremacy. Rayturn f th' simple an' varchoos life mc coiinthryoien frim New Zealand/ ihe says, 'or by Hivins, yore done.' But th' New Zealanders is lookin' f'r him with manny axes, f'r they're modest la-ads." •The pa-apers is givin , thim a gr-reat time," said Mr Henneasy. "They ar-re," said Mr Dooley. 'Th' 'Daily Gale' has taken thim undher its •edithoryal wing. Niyer does the eye iv that gr-reat organ iv th' people and Hawmswuth lave thim. A rayporty has meals with thim an' jots down th' shafts iv Ecintillatin' wit that flash frim the lips iv these intollectool giants. Iyery man is watched all night b , a Pressman in. case ho 6hud want t' be interviewed in th' night or divulge priceless secrets iv play in his sleep. Th , edithor iv th' T)aily Gale' visits th' Bubedithoryal room an' atks what's in. 'Massacre in li-ooshia,' says wan man. Ten thousand Jews kilt in cold blood, and with hidjus torchures b' th' myrmidons iv th . Czar. A full column.' 'Flam!' cays the edither. 'Cut that thruck down, to a paragraph,' he says. There's a epeshul arrticle on the colour I iv th' New Zealanders' hair that I wud not lave out f'r ivurrlds." ' 'An cut that policy speech iv Balfoor's,' he says, •t' make room r"'r a list iv the New Zeaknders , fav'rite brands iv soap." "Why do th' New Zealanders win ?" asked Mr Hennessy. " 'Tis a question that has puzzled th' jjr-roatest niinds iv England," eaid Mr Dooley. "Manny ar-re th' theeries that has b'n advanced. Some put it down t' grape-nuts, some t , th' wing-forward eomo t' th' size iv their feet, some 0 superyor thrainin', some t' th' colour iv tii' uniforms, an' manny f th' way they par-rt their hair. But they're all wrong. My frind Phil Trovir dishcovered th' dread secrit, b't Bo wan will belave him." "What is it?" eaid Mr Hemiessy. "They play better football," said Mr Doolej*. "But what about Wales?" asked Mr! Henne»y. 'iWaJe's isn't England," eaid Mr Dooley, ''as yell see b' th' pa-apere."