AUTOMO BILLY.

Press, Volume LVIII, Issue 11097, 16 October 1901, Page 2

AUTOMO BILLY.

B6W THE TRAMPS WEBE BAFFLED. Br l>. Hatbs*. Automo Billy was the event of our first sumnaer of married life. To explain h» career, I must give some of the circumstsnces of oar first Jwwekeeping. Edith and I were married in April, and Edith's Aunt Mary gave us for a wedding present £he -loan of liter cottage at L«&g Ledge for th« snxntner. Long Ledge Is not a fashionable resort; in fact, Aunt Mary's is the only summer cottage in the place, and Edith's family propheiiied the dullest of summers. They did not Ibbow Billy. As I am in the automobile business, mc honeymoon had to be of tie shortest, and by tie first of June we were established at Long Ledge. Edith had secured a model maid of all work, a pretty Irish Maggie, said to flirt witb a stick, and therefore guaranteed not to be looely. Our problem was to find as good * man to mow the vest Uvn that stretched from the house down a long bare 'hill to the public road. Mr automobile, that occupied the email stable, was my own care, and it looked as though Kβ should hardly need a man except for that ridiculous lawn. We began to doubt tho generosity of Aunt Mary, now released to a tour of Europe. During the three days that I consumed in tho inspection of the aged and juveniles of the neighbourhood, who offered to ply our lavm mower twice a Aveek, a fresh complication arose. No less than eighteen tramps visited our kitchen door in my brief absences. Long Ledge is on ttw railread between two important junctions, but 1 had not realised tlmt it was the thoroughfare for tramp travel that it proved to be. Tlner made our house their free lunch counter. Some cabalistic sign on our catcpopt must hi&ve meant to th« fraternity, -Wedding presents. Pretty cook. No" dog," f°r every few hours Edith would see a. tattered Tom pause in his course Along the road.to senn our bare hill for signs of man, and then come flumping up the long driveway. Clearly, we must have a man living on the place. • ' The first day I went to town, I visited an intelligence office—falsely co called. Here I secured a paragon, sober, honeat, and industrious, capable and obliging—at least, they promised to send such a one to meet meat the 5.50 for Long Ledge. I searched the station like Diogenes ; I waited over till the 6.15 accommodation, but no such man appeared. PJdith says there never was one, but I am of a trusting disposition, and hfcve never ceased to regret him. . Next morning I browbeat the mtehi;ence office into producing their man. He vet mc promptly, and he returned as iromptly with mc the next moromg* sayng that he found the country lopely. Here : los« the order of my narrative. For some ,ime we remembered them by name and or a longer time by number, but they nee ip before mc now as one monstroue composite who smoked and drank and swore, nade away with the teaspoons, set fire to :he stable, slept by day and prowled by night, staggered through the village 3treets, and made love to Maggie. All of th<em did that. For quantity Maggie must have had the moat brilliant season of, any summer girl east of the Rockies. She seemed to mc to be the disturbing element in a'most every case. She certainly should have looked out foi the teaspoons instead of flirting with then abstractor, and, though she repented witl tears, my wife assured mc that she drov« the next incumbent to.drink by refusing him three evenings in succession. Certain it is that our last importation Dan, might have proved a success if shi had not turned his head the firsJs day, anc reduced him to a day dreaming fool anc dawdler "on the kitchen steps.. After h< had broken the mowing machine , and ! lef' the hose running into the cellar as a. resuL of a quarrel with Maggie, we read tlife riot ac*.. Ban was sent. off,, and Maggie threatened "with, instant dismissal if Jbe wasJound on the premises. The last clause was added when .he got a place with the doctor, our nearest neighbour on the village street. With the appearance of the hired mac, there had been a complete, disappearance of the tramp, but Edith said it waa merely having the same, tramp around all day in-; stead of different ones. After Dan's departure, she proposed an interregnum to see if the tramps returned, and I acceded from the conviction that the intelligence office would close its doors in my &«• Dan had not been gone a d«y when the first Weary Willy appeared and demanded pie, with & horrid leer. And now we openW disparaged our Aunt , Mary. . From Aunt Mary, we proceed to revile the. world at large. " '; "To think," I cried, "that the age tliat hae produced the lawn mower cannot supply a man to work it, nor one simply to sit on its automobile!" . . "Oh," wailed £ditb, "why.can't; people have automobile servants too?" and she went up stairs with all sail set for a good. But on mc her last words had fciad elec. trie*!, effect. "Automobile, servants 1 .Why not? I saw it all at once in a vision, as ttrtiste and inventors do,. pause,, • effect—• means, result/—and the result was the millennium. ' . ; I went to town for a, week, sending up a porter to do the dragon. When I came home Saturday there Mas a huge trunk in my wake and tie light of triumph in ■ my eye. I hurried Edith from supper to the tnan> room in ; the stable, where, the trunk ltiid been placed, and there I unfolded to her my scheme. First I took o«t a lawn mower,'to, all appearances like our o'd one, bufc. really, fitted witih.an electrical appliance that made.it an automobile lawn mower,-self propelling, and easily set to turn around at any given distance. * . . : Edith was in raptures. , "It's the mo«t ! wonderful thing I ever dreamed of!" she cried, as I explained. ' "I don't think you appreciate boy? great you really are. You don't know hovr lonely I've been all fchis week, but bow I see what ifa.ll meant. Oh, I am so proud. ' Just think-what this will mean to" thousands at households. ■ Why, we needn't think of another man now-ntf it wasn't for the tramps." - ,- I hid my blushes ,m the trunk, from

which I we*eß% drey w4,*^ ,wt T f new uiv«V Ot pow» I ssfciaUTnot divulge s , die : w *ofca»lsm, Mt Ms outwatd appear- f< {me*, which Sad occupied much of my a fcim», I c*» describe. His light steel frama t was of magnificent, proportions, imperfect- a ly concealed by an old fishing suit of my j own. A wilt figure being impracticable (or the'work in which he was U> engage, I * had hunted out a maker of cigar store aa» rettisementa to model » countenance for £ it, and he had entered into his work like a true artist. f The result, -was a cross between the v Young Augustus and & clothing store figure The features were the features of the Young Augustus, but the compfrjrion t was the complexion of the ley figure. Re- * membmrmgr mj* football days, when our ( spirits sank in direct proportions to the y number of red-haired men on the opposing , team, I had. crowned my work with an a\i- ( burn wig. ] Edith drew back speftdhless. She lis- , tened without a word to my account of the difficulties 1 had surmounted in bal- j ancing the figure and in reproducing a natural gait- Th«n I {screwed the hands to the mowing -machine handle, and rathe ( dusk I took my masterpiece out end set it for a ten yard* and return trip across the Slowly the contrivance started off to the familiar clatter of the lawn mower, m a way so lifelike, so in. harmony with its surroundings, that 1 almost overpowered. Slowly it turned at the required distance, and* as it came towards us and halted, EditU , clutched my arm and whispered : "Dudley, this is wicked." I controlled my Satanic exultation, and explained to her "that this was only a sort of sublimated burglar alarm that I had been inspired by her uords to make for her sake. With" this to guaiti her, she was safe; without it, she must be a prey to the known terrors of the hired man or to tWe unknown- horrois of bufcohery and the wrath of Aunt Mary- Gradually her fears subsided, and, by a cunning appeal to her curiosity, I taught her to regulate the thing At this point Meggie appeared to see what was the excitement, "Wβ must tell her,' I whispered. But now it was my turn to listen to a perfectly unintelligible ' explanation of th'e scheme. "Now, of course." my wife concluded, "you won't bo silly enough to be afraid of "Afraid? Mc afraid of anything in the shape of a man!" crowed Maggie. ''What do you call him?" "Why, a sort of automobile, I answered with some hesitation. I had not thought of a name or patent yet. . ■ ' "Automobile! Automobile , ." she mimicked. "I could never get all that out in a. hurry. I'll call him Billy, for short;' and Billy he was from ttftvt day. Billy worked to a charm. I started him Monday morning wtfaen 1 left for the train, and Edith saw no fewer titan, sin Knights of the road pause at our gat*, hesitate, and then go on. She took Billy in for lunch, at the suggestion of Maggie, ever mindful of Dan's window at the doctors, a quarter of a. mile away. Suddenly Maggie spied a tramp toiling up our driveway. She "rushed, to Billy where he stood alert, one foot in the air at the shed "door. She eefc the combination, touched the button, and Billy strode forth majestic, propelling his I machine. The tramp turned and scuttled tot the road, and JW'jth napped luxuriously in the hammock to the domestic cluck ot the lawn mowe-r. In the afternoon she arrayed Billy in his undress livery, screwed him on to the box of titie automobile, and went off to explore the country roads, > leaving the mower draped with his oo&b to protect Maggie. Day after day passed, and none to molest or make afraid. Some screed of "Man I Danger!" must have been graven on our gate posts, and gradually Billy was used only for the good of ,th«. lawn, or for an occasional demonstration in force. The lines of care disappeared from EditVs face, and Maggie began to have< the time of, her life. Dan had become furiously jealous. One Sunday morning Maggie come home Tom church in great spirits. "Den's that ; oo!ish;" she said to my.wife. , "He's been isking mc about Billy, and I get arourid. iim every time." • .„;.■, j "Does he suepect anything? asked Edith. " . „ . j "Not he!" cried Maggie. 'He asked ne what kind of a- man we'd got, that never came off the place. "*A very unusual sind,' says-1; Ifonest. sober, and induesrious capable aad willing,' I says. 'Does Kβ never smoke? , asks Dan. 'Not since he signed the pledge, , J said; 'he's no common man.' ' " 'What was h« doing with himself last night?" asks JJau. I. didn't tell you, ma'am, that last night when,you was out walking, I started Billy going just for company, and I forgot to set the point at where to turn, and before I could catch him, the mower was against the stone wall and Billy ttoowed up over the handle, standing "on his hands, with.hie head down and his legs going.-like a windmill in-the air. I rushed up and quieted him and Uα. him in gently-ljke, and, by good luck it! was most dark, so Dan couldn't see, plain, j So when he asked mc what was Billy doing '< last night, -I eaid 'Oh,"that r s what they call, parallel bars. H«'s been an athlete, as any one may see, artd lie likes;to.keep his. hand mV -.-■■•-' - • . "!And his .feet up, , says -x/an. 'But there's no call for you to lead him i»,by the hand that way. , -*Maybe there is/ says i; Mushing 'an best I eouZd. . 'Well, Til come over , and have,* talk with him, , says Dan. 'You'll not/-says, I, : 'He'll never speak' to the likes of you, Dan -Cornell. He's riot your kind/of a mani and you remember that if you're caught on our plaoe, I leave,' says I. That angered Dau, and he-said: .ttlaggje O*FarrMl/ he says; 'if there's any ntunsiyisu .boveen him and you, I'll brcai?" every bone in. WJy.' ; And that/ says.' I, laughing, 'you"never can do.'" •'-... That very evening, coming homo from a walk, we stood transfixed to see Maggie sitting on the back pornh. in the moon- , light, with a man's arm about IVer waist; Moreover, «he was talking in the most coquettish manner," and at last she laid her head upon, bis tnaaly shoulder. ; I strode forward- "Dan," I thundered, "leave this, place this instant. ( Maggie, you will go to-morrow morning." Maggie started up with a scream, and the light from the kitchen window revealed the classic profile of Automo Billy.

This was rinljs th» fin* of a •wJet%S£'«?>* tudies in still life tha* Maggie or thf> bewfife, of 'tton- '•Billy .pplfs on the buck steps, Billy Bβ imp9r by the Uichen, l«np. H '«% , S M$ ill sorts of tender artitu*N by rooonhgw** >\i f- ? n our nnxictv lest Dan should wreak Jgi-. * !*anc* on - Billy, «• were Mwnkful tha S| it iiimxnfr wa» driving t» & close. VV^JP'•/ ;ot, that the elements of a mane dtstme. ' aon come from within. ■ - - > Our l!u»t week «amf, and «* I walked m» t >. ; :rom the station for the kst time, I fftjij, - srarm kap in tnr hteart for the little tate, *o full of pleasant menwUs v f«"' - Billy, our protector, and even for trueil " ' Aunt, Mary. I mened in at; our gate tjj^' auwjkened'etep, «nd then what sight hlaifc, ■ od wsy vjwpn. 'tH« iiutomobjle, - witili dust, stood heforft the door. &Uggfc;, was wringing hor hn«d« on tb« piam, . across the lawn hurried the doctor, hifi little blacte case. Dan close behind '- 1 . with another. , • " -"; : ' I flew up tli«ifc drivaway, gained _. ' ;' b&fora tJiem, dashed Megffifl iwide, bounded up the stairs cj-yinß: . Kdithl" The dusty trac&a of draicced along led to the guest room, Oa,V-"' ? F.dith! ~,,'-. There she sa.t, \rhite vith *xrit«lneak. and on Aunt "Mary's best spread ■ tomo Billy, a nwngled wreck, his >,s%.* . ' t«ius profile cleft by a, lengthwise • but- still pink cheeked and f-miling. ' , "Edith!'" I panted. "Are you aKtt! ,' What has haxipvned?' , • - "• "Oh," she sobbfid, "1 got- off to get some flowers rieht by our gat*, and the ftutswao,' . bilo 1 doi\'fc know how, and ituf into a Inak. aiKl 1" tnuj*b have forgot to ' pcrew Billy on. for he pitched off head fow- . , most, against a wall Dan was going by, and ran up to help, and I told him to nm ior the doctor —just to get him away— ' ■_ and now , wlto-t shall we do when the doctor ' comes t" His step was on the stair. "Wβ awsJ -.. tell liim ail," I said. The doctor's fnce ne ho saw BiUj v?ft» ' beyond description. Edich began to laagh wildly, and I chimed in. Hβ looked from ono to another of us, and then at Bill? with such an expression that I Jwd to pull myself together and explain. Th& dootor is"»,good fellow, »nd, when Uβ had had- , his laugli out, wo debated what to do "next, "You'il have to account for Billyh <Jie. appearance to th* neighbours," he 'tafid,.-.-., i "I'm coroner, but I guess it'a the pow« of- ■ the prew thut you need here. No one , knows of the accident but Ban. We'll - cork him, and put an item in tha p&pn to the effect that <Mr D. Havens has LOet %■ "- valuable man in Billy, who left for pfctt - unknown last Saturday. Mr H&vena ha» * the sympathy of the community, YokSI -' fcave to own'np 'to Dan, though.' I went to tlie head of the stairs, ■ was standing in the lower hall with hep' • apron to her eyes, moaning out: "bo hand' - ' some, 90 willin , —never in my w« &« swearin , , nor drunken, nor quawcUin , , - . "Oh, Maggie, don't t*fce on po» dttifay. -~ ■ You don't care iw him all that. Td % heap more than ever he did, and now tht poor lad's dead eavd done for any tfa/heaven wsfc his spul 1" Maggie's shoulders shiook the more," • ; 'Til be a better man to you thaa 3». I'll neither drink nor swea* «fr-~;" ' '•. . "Don't promise too mach, Dan,. I called, "until you've seen Billy. M&ggw, bring - Mm up.' , <,•*"* Dan entered the room, white and a*eo, He looked at Billy, and, witk one howl,/ . bounded to the door. Maggie, caught hnn, - - and we all began to explain, at once. Then it dawned upon him. He turned to Maggie;. "I said you'd flirt with a stick, and you • have." • . , , "It was only to make you mad, am tu* - , "You won't tell, will you, Dan? , . , aikt4 - Edith. , . ■■; Dan caw Ms opportunity, and seised It. / "Not if MaggCe'il go, t» the ~ priests ynttcz mc to-morrow. * , '. , \ "Oh, we 11 ,,, said ( Maggie, ''seeing Wf§, : , dead, and done for." * 1 >> . But tih!e past ha.d beeu too WU *o D*a" * \ lor trifling, and he left tho room, murmujv,, ■ ing. "Poor kd, poor ?a<L Hwveti tvs fiw;,, 80u1. ,, '' * ' ' -'.'■_'■■■ .;"