SEARCH LIGHTS.

Press, Volume LI, Issue 8780, 28 April 1894, Page 8

SEARCH LIGHTS.

Haii, ! followers of the leather, worshippers of the goal-post, disciples of the line-out. The good times are coming again. To-day shall Lancaster Park witness the gay and varied throng, the yelling, hooting, swaying, hat-waving army on the terraces, the rushing and the rending, the smashing and the tearing of the gallant gladiators, the asliotxt of stay ! My Pegasus ! J«o prose epics ixx tlie <3te.xly Press. Bnt Cxxxxxk: brothers Z Otl xaptTXire 1 FootDall aigjwn. We have dragged through the long summer moßlllsl. ■we ftavfc tried -with poor success to excite a. feeble w\ transitory interest in cricket. "Wβ S3.W Cautetboiv beat N*ew &out!l TV'aiea but no errzotiozs- T^^nca^ter iv too. Verily, wa fclibiiU have lpjjefl our harps npoa the trees that are tiiereiu (if we had had any harps and there were unv trees large enough to haug a toothpick oo). Alas, vre thought of that splendid tlay when our braves laced the men of the South. They beat us. but did we not break ihe nose of their best and tallest hero, and send him off on a shutter ?

But ye city fathers, what arc ye about ? Do ye cot know the god is again in our midst. Usher him in ye fat and prosy citizens with cymbals and dances, processions and carnival. Raise the shout, £voe ! Evoe'.

I see Cathedral square packed with a surging crowd. In the midsn a Maypole, clowned with, a cap and tassel and a striped scarf nying proudly ia the wind. And the Merivale braves, like Gesslcrs minions ia Altorf, bid the crowd bend knee and bare head to the sacred cap. 'Bow down, ye slaves, bow down." A gorgeous pageant forms. Mayor and Corporation, with, a banner blazoned with skull and crossbou<>s ; combined bands, playing alternately '* On the Ball" and " The Dead March" ; members of the medical profession and Ambulance Corps - footballers in cages borrowed from Fillis's circus, the "Lion-tamer" assuaging their fary with Hereford beer ; undertakers, police, proselytes of the "gate" and " barrackers," all muzzled. Acclaims of " Stickum," *' Swoggle," •'Bowser," "Dutchy," and other titles in the roll of honour rend the welkin. Io (Triomphe 'i Aye Cajsar (Gapes) moritnri te salutant'. Alamms, excursions, exeunt omnes, crowd weeping for joy and walking over one another's prostrate bodies, as the Juggernaut (from Delamain's) passes on its remorseless way.

Some auch festival we should have. We are to hear football, talk football, think football, dream football, for four solid months. Let us in heaven's name start the thing right away.

The translation of " Sporting Bill" to the post of Sergeant-at-Anna appears to have surprised even Seddon's friends. The only explanation I can suggest is that Eraser ■was asked "What price "he would retire from the Waikato contest last election to -avoid " splitting," and wired back, " Snug billet, where the work is put out." M.L.O.'a are chuckling with delight; they were afraid he was going to be "called;" JM.H.R.'s on the other hand, are a bit ,*• doubtful, you know." Remedy is simple : extend his title, dub him—and treat him as—Strgeant-at-Arms-Length.

With what amazement, admiration and delight must the other, nations of the world -view the precocious assurance and enterprise of our favoured country. We already lead the van in social and political progress. Oar Legislature has proved itself the most daring and omniscient body in the woild. Oar Ministers are paragons of wisdom, philanthropy and dignified patriotism. And now behold New Zealand in a new light—annexing foreign possessions—shedding the lustre of her greatness over savage and barbarous communities, and carrying into a country torn by racial dissensions and harassed by alien intrigues a polity distinguished for its harmony, didintereated.nees and unity of purpose. New Zealand, when she has shaken off such slight encumbrances ai the British Empire and the xetarding influences of English tradition, ■will set her cap with Russia and France and Germany.

It is a master stroke of policy—Seddon. the Czar, fearful of the Nihilists of Cathedral square, seeks to divert domestic discontent ty foreign conquest. The next elections trill turn on " Seddon's foreign policy." Sow grand it will sound in the London Times ! Jackson Palmer, Minister of Foreign Affaire; Tanner, 'Resident Envoy at St. Petersburg ; Pinkertcn, Plenipotentiary at Pekin. As a navy will be necessary the Hinemoa will be put in commission, armed i-with a chase-hooped four-pounder, and John Joyce made Lord High Admiral. Seddon ;himself, of course, will be Minister for War, and Keeves, the Poet Laureate, in epic verse, celebrate his exploits in " The Samoad."

',■' Yerex" put his foot into it very badly at the prohibition meeting last night by a : little attempt at • • local,colour." The parts of Kansas city where Mr Stringer found the drug shops doing sly-grog were " the very lowest part ot the city—the most disreputable alums—places like Whitechapel, , where the lowest classes live—or—or like Sydenham." Tom Taylor relieved his feelings by chucking out the only man in that prohibitioniet audience who dared to laugh.

The highest social ideal of our local philanthropists is a Committee of seven, with power to add. That is their ona notion of solving a difficulty. If a second deluge threatened, they would elect a Committee of seven with power to add. They ' would meet, collect statistics of average rainfall, send telegrams to Captain Edwin, and finally resolve, on the motion of the Reverend H. C. M. Watson, to petition the Government to pacify the Almighty. If astronomers predicted a collision with the sun next week, they would form a Committee of seven, Professor Bickerton to be Secretary, publish statistics of the weight and velocity of "impacting" body, hold an exhibition of photographs of sun spots, and—the Rev. Mr Watson again the mover—resolve to pray King Seddon to turn the crank of the universe. And having got "that far they would probably smile and adjourn—witn the usual compliment to the chair.

: Such at least ia the impression produced by •jl month's experience of unemployed meet- ; ings. A hundred odd dapper citizens, douce, worthy men, have met four times, 'heard four reports, passed four votes of thanks to the chair, and—done nothing.

April 10th —Committee report there are not 1025 men ont of employ, but 258. If there were only 257.5 they would still want help—but there is nothing like mathematical accuracy. Resolved —" Let's ask the Government something." The usual votes to the chair, &c.

April 17th—Committee report that Mr "W. P. Reeves is "communicating with the Premier, Minister for Lands, PostmasterGeneral and Secretary for Labour." Delightful; he is probably still communicating. Suggested : That the Canal Reserve be utilised—unemployed, I suppose, to graze like Nebuchadnezzar. Resolved— "That we keep an eye on that surplus." The usual vote of thanks, &c.

April 27th—Committee report. Mr Watson thought the Government should be made to feel he was in earnest. Mr Collins rose to "call attention to the fact that HE was «}oing his best for the community." Happy community i Happy Committee ! Happy Collins ! Resolved —" That thie meeting is not big enough—we want more speakers, more hearers- more cheap philanthropy." Let's have a public meeting! Glorious idea ; it will divert the minds of the unemployed from their own stomachs. The usual vote of thanks, &c.

The net result is this:—Some well meanlDg, kind hearted, stupid people have talked and reported and moved and voted— for four weeks. Their sole idea ia this— that they shall talk and talk and talk and do nothing; and the Government meanwhile must provide work for the unemployed at their own trade, at their own price, and in their own street. The one .pearl of wisdom iv all the stupid chatter was Dr. Hacon'i pertinent question : Adjourn this meeting for a week, and another, and again another; what are the 350 -unemployed to do in tJU meantime.'

Amd yet there is one practical proposal before the community. Call on the citizens to raise s> fund to be expended by public bodies in public improvements. There is no economic objection to this ; it recognises

no insane socialistic maxim of " right to employment/ it creates no expectation of permanency and so sets no premium on loafing : it is not charity, for the money will be earned : it is no hardship, iike an " improvement tax," for only those will bear it who are able and willing. Come now—here is a practical solution of a pressing difficulty. Are you good for a sovereign, Mr Collins, "in the best interests of the community? " You are getting twenty pounds a month* for a job thai, doesu't begin till June. And you 3klr Ta-tmer- ? aucl fai* Worshio tile Mayor 3 tlie ciorzgrlit y Taylor ? the choleric Ensom ~i

Uβ Iβ til? TOtf""-™™ , *

sir, are you good for a Send si pound a-plece to the Mayor's otnee, and, I ilia only a poor devil ul a Bohemian* but I T IX marage to <3oTsfc>i« it- We iiave ixE*,ii four "W'cefes 94 your Talk —novr " put up the dibbs *' I The Bohemias.