THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

Press, Volume XIX, Issue 2809, 3 May 1872, Page 3

THE LOAFER IN THE STREET.

T±»Ls ia -**,r» age of nevirspapers, a period. "Of PfflflfalS. 1W ftrfi 86 LLL written opon every conceivable subject, tha£ one ■wonders how the different proprietors can make £a living. Periodical literature and journalism have come to such, a pitch that perhaps you may be under the impression that it cannot be pitched .any further. But you bee it can, and if you think that there can be nothing new under the snn in the war of - literature, allow mc to commend to your notice the " Matrimonial News," A -weekly journal devoted to the promotion of Marriage and Conjugal Felicity. What do you think of that ? The M.N. (the initials are suggestive of that ceremony which commences with "dearly beloved" and ends with, "amazement," states that H Marriage is such an ancient institution, and has in all ages excited such universal interest among the human family, that in offering to the public a journal specially devoted to the promotion of marital felicity, we feel sure we are only supplying a national want." The statement that marriage is an ancient institution i 3 not particularly original, but what 1 like about the above paragraph is the philanthropic manner in yrhiqh the editor, so to speak t hugs himself

on supplying a want which has long been felt. A national want indeed! "Why not a cosmopolitan want? People mostly go in for matrimony at some time. Between ourselves, I think, judging from the experiences of many Benedicts given to mc from time io time it is an institution gTeatly over-rated : but it's popular, wonderfully popular. I bcp here to remark that the "Matrimonial News, ,, so far as 1 can judge, does not do ail it profosses to do. It professes to be a journal devoted to the promotion of marriage and conjugal felicity. After a very careful perusal of the M. N., I must admit that it is certainly devoted to the former, for it consists of several pages of advertisements for husbands and wives, but I cannot find any information about conjugal felicity. lam driven to one of two conclusions—either that the editor considers conjugal felicity a natural result of a marriage negotiated through his columns, or else he does uot see his way clear to give any information on the subject. Conjugal felicity is, so Dobbs informs mc, easily attainable. Dobbs is somewhere about eightynine; has been married four times; his age and experience entitle his opinions to some amount of respect, and if you like the look of his advice you can try it. Dobbs' "straight tip" (sporting phrase) for conjugal felicity is, "Give your wife bet own way. and never answer her when she wants to blow you up." I don't say I quite agree with Dobbs. Mind you I can quite understand the first part .of has- advice working like a clock, but the latter would g I fear, fall through. As the old Newmarket trainer said, " Women, hate a walk over."

Let ■Uβ ßeturn to the .M.N.; and those of your readers who want to change their name

may perhaps pick up an. idea or two. By patronising t"he M; Isf, I can plainly see that the course of true love runs as smooth as lime-juice down a new chum's throat. You can advertise yourself in the columns of the M. N. to the extent of forty words for one shilling. Good gracious! a proposal with every chance in your favor (for if Maud don't like your appearance, Alice may) for one "bob." Think of the time and trouble saved by this ingenious process. No bother about getting introduced to ; mammas,-*ncL' trying to make stern papas think you're a good, steady, young man. No intriguing to get asked to Miss Mutual Friend to meet the object of your affections; and after disbursements for cabs, flowers, gloves, and things ; getting very possibly stubbed by the young lady herself, and more than probably by the dear mamma. ;Fpr one shilling, you can offer your heart and hand to a discerning public of. fair ones; if a desirable young man, you may even (as some of the advertisements will show) be scrambled for : . Should you be only a very ordinary parti, yon must be a very poor catebj if you can't distinguish an affinity amongst the fair advertisers. I'm quite charmed with the whole thing. Who #ould blush unseen, when , for a shilling or so, he can not only present himself like. the immjortal Captain Wragge, with such a. self-presented testi-, monial as the following, and ;at the same time secure a living partner fdr life :— " A Wandering West Indian, who has just returned home, is desirous of leading one of Merrie England's fair daughters to the Hymeneal altar. He is 27 yeirs of age, six feet, not' bad looking; and' Is considered gracefttl and soldierly , in appfearance, and . carried the " Starfr - and Stripes " in seven battles during, the ; late war. in. (he United. States; hehas an income of £500 a-year, which he can easily increase ; he would ,like to receive the cartes of a few tall, handsome, accomplished, graceful, musical, and affectionate young ladies. Dark hair and eyes preferred, although golden" hair "and" Ijlue ;eyes -would not be. objectionable. The above qnalities considered ample dower. Cartes, and any information accompanying them, returned if not acceptable. Strictest honor observed. Editor has 'genuine address. , ' The above .advertisement, as indeed most of .them do, speaks for itself ; but I may say that I admire 1 the style' of the W. 1 W. 1., and I hope that his warlike .career,-in-com-bination with his screw and his strict bonon

may have induced, long ere this, some taH, handsome, &c, &c, girl to become his for, even In the M. N., candidates for the matrimonial .estate are always alluded to— like the prisoners in certain gaols, by their number, as the following advertisement will show :—"Jane, daughter of a physician residing in a cathedral town, tall, good figure ? brown "eyes, lightish hair, which,'though short,, is and curly, especially good hands a good linguist. andi]iterary ; poetry much admired ; advertises, because she has few opportunities of meeting a suitable partner ; has no money ; thinks No. 3380, December 30, would, suit.' Address with Editor." Now, on yonr word, have you ever seen anything more pithy ■ and at the same time more romantically touching than the above ? It is many years since I read the Utopia, but if I remember aright, the author commences by an allusion to himself as being concerned on a diplomatic mission of some consequence, thus at once apprising the reader that the author is a man of some note. Jane adopts a somewhat similar plan ; she is the daughter of a physician, ergo, ex officio patris, a lady—residing in a respectable neighborhood ; for if a cathedral town is not comme il Jawt, What 18 ? I regret that 15,000 (fifteen thousand) miles are between yours ( truly. "Jane." for 1 could adore Jane. A feel certain, of it. The brown eyes : hnir -wlaicfc* - ; aititc«3^Ei. short glees' her Jjj fljj^, a^jj jjjrjj

(try Bpvflancl's KalydVr, dearest Jane), hands and ears, a linguist, and literary; Her poetry (I suppose she means her own) much admired' (how I would admire it), advertises because she has few opportunities Of meeting fellows.' Sweat girl ! a tear or ewo may be dropped- oveir your lonely lot. I drop three And a-half, and I would drop more, but as I shall have to weep again farther on I must not be extravagant. I can only say that if No. 3380 don't come np to yonr ideas of a husband, adorable Jane, there is one who has been used to a cathedral town, for some time without a cathedral ; and whose position is toachingly like your own. He hat no money, but he might come to terms with you. One more tear, Jane, and farewell for ever.

I would not have you believe that the advertisers in the M. N. are, as a rule, impecunious—far from it. Heiresses and. heirs appear as thick as plums in Christmas pndding, and not a few advertize their expectations in the most amusing manner. Thus the daughters of a clergyman or merchant who mill have £250 a year (the sums of course vary), are frequent advertisers. There is a charming candor about these that delights one. The advertisement seems

to cay, v I am a well conducted, charming-, accomplished, and beautiful young lady. If yon can be satisfied with that, until dear Papa or Uncle Joseph departs this world, do so ; but remember, sweet unknown lover or lovers (for she may have a dozen, that's the charm of it), I shall have £250 n year. Mercenary ? not the least. I think it a most thoughtful act on the young lady's part to lot a fellow know that ho may expect some Solid charms in the years that are to come. It's beautiful! What do you think of the following effusion from one who I feel sure must be a pillar of the church.— " A young clergyman of the Chorch of England, 25 years of age, of very good appearance, who has private means as well as stipend derived from curacy, desires tocorreapond with an amiable, accomplished, and handsome young lady, who feels that she would make a suitable wire for a'clergyman. Advertiser would make a kind, devoted, and loving husband ; would like to hear from 3348, 4068, 4069, 4029, 4130, 33JL6, Georgiaaa, Flora, of January 6th, 1872. Each applicant must be possessed of at , least £ 10,000, or £500 a year in her own right. Cartes da visite desired. Editor has name and addreaa."

This is business-like; but disappointing. Why does this disinterested ecclesiastic raisa hopes by stating that he ia good-looking ; has decent means; and wishes to correspond with a fair lady who feels she would make a suitable wife to a pareon. I could recommend him lots here, dear man ; who, from tae perpettfal pdciekhan&kbJo&iei *eaßj|"to apply to the puerile pauper's probosciflf to the word in season or out of it, are all there. But (the reverend gentleman does not only want-a but he wants, in return for hie private income, a quid pro quo from his dear wife. He means business, apparently and we can only hope, in- the interest of the Church, that Georgian* of Flora ttiay' prove pecuniarily up to the rev, _ gentleman's standard. In this case, I should say aa -iellowe tio when they advertise for a lost dog, " No questions will be asked."

Another reverend gentleman 'states hia case thuslv:—"A clergyman, r ,aged.; sixty, with vajuible preferment, wishfea" to meet with a depr devoted wife, from. §5 to years old; possessing about *16,6b(\ or £600 per annum; in her own right. M One not previously matried preferred.—TheEditbrhasthe address." Bless his dear bl&ueart I I'm afraid his proposal won't eventuate successfully. I don't think any clergymen with a valuable preferment need go far out of his way to meet with one dear devoted wife. I feel quite sure of it, or even a dozen jf it were lawful. But the £10,000 capital or £500 a year in her; own sight seems to m,e jas, it the old gentleman was expecting too much. I cannot sufficiently compliment the dear old gentleman pipon the knowledge of human nature displayed by him in the concluding sentence,. "? One, not previously married preferred." The reverend gentleman i» of, the same opinion as Mr Weller senior, and does not believe iin " vidorvs." Let Uβ return to the r ladies. J I may observe that rorphana axe very numerous amongst the fair advertisers. Some of them are orphans of forty, fortyfive, apd years of age. I ; feei-fortfyese 16ne1y orphans, and while I.flxink of it I may B8 the last ttiar* 1 hate id my compendium on their cad lot. ; ,As.aa example;of the orphans, I append ttyejifol* ldvHng:—' , An orphan lady, aged 3& tall, fair, very |nusical, a linguist, amfable, and very affectionate, and possessing about £.j!OQ a year, property at Command-,' feele lonely an r 4 would like to marry., .Carte and address Tyitji editor." I should this poor orphan who feels Ibtielyy , poor thingl to cqrresppj3d__witli__the .geotlsxaeJL last spoken of. She is not anything like up to his 9tftndard inthodJi 8. d.>btittlieymighfc deal.

I have several other specimens, which, with your permission, I shall reserve for the benefit of your readers until a future issue.