OUT AND ABOUT

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 1, Issue 75, 16 October 1939, Page 5

OUT AND ABOUT

Mr Lefeau Has got to geaux. "We fear no feaux" Says Honest Jcaux. "We need the deaux You see, and seaux Leslie Lefeaux. Has got to geaux." * * ** * I rather like that type of rhyme. Have you heard this one: "Said a bass, 'When I sang in the choir, My voice was considerably hoir. One day my voice rose Or so my tale goes, Till it stuck on the top of the spoir." aic V V To close our side-splitting session we print without comment the following headlines from our Rotorua contemporary: "SIMPLE ENGLISH" "EDITORIAL COMMENT ON ROOSAL BE RIME MINISTER"

(By The Outsider)

| Sinister influences have been at 1 work in Whakatane over the last few days. As you may have noticed Swastikas have been plastered on hoardings. This brought all our Secret Servicencss to the lore and we immediately sought l'or the root of the conspiracy. The first despatch we intercepted was from Agent X 32. Decoded it read "Having marvellous time. Wish you were here." Not satisfied with this apparently innocent reading we borrowed another bottle of whisky and continued with the decoding. The result confirmed our deepest suspicions. We had stumbled 011 a despatch to the Australian Nazis. Here is the news: —-

"New Zealand consists of five islands discovered by Captain Coolc sometime between the years 1728, in which he was born, and 1779 in which he died. The islands are Stewart, South, North, Whale and White Islands. He discovered them prior to the foundation of the New T Zealand Farmers' Union, but that body's constituent parts were even then in existence in a fossil state. There are also the Rurima Rocks —N.Z. is on them. The islands are entirely surrounded by water, and, in consequence, with the exception n f the late Prophet Ihia, travelling is generally done by boat. Captain Cook, by a coincidence, found that New Zealand had a Cook Strait, and a Mt Cook. The North Island is so called because it is nearest to the North Pole, while Adam Hamilton lives in the South Island. Stewart Island is so called because its inhabitants live mainly on oyster stew —hence the name. New Zealand is owned by the book makers and run by the Labour politicians. The population consists most ly of Maoris, Presbyterians nni Nash-ites. Football, horse racing, manufacture of waterproof clothing and kiwi farming are the main industries. So much land i.s occupied, by racecourses, golf links, centennial parks and picture theatres that little is available tor agneullu.e, so that farming is on the intensive or "close-up" system. For this reason a proposal to have a broad gauge railway had to be abandoned, and a 3ft. sin. gauge adopted. Cattle are also generally dehorned as it gives them more room. Immediately alter shearing the wool is exported to make room for the Australian tourists. New Zealand has what would be considered in Upper Burmah to be a wet climate. Fortunately there are exceptionally high mountains and in wet weather, or when the tide rises, the sheep are driven to the tops. This gives the peaks a white appearance often mistaken lor s.iow. Scientific methods are followed. The soil is scratched with an implement called a plough—a thing like a wheelbarrow with a bad attack of the d.t's. The principle of the plough is a share —hence the expression share-fanning. No sugar is produced,, but in the early days the Maoris raised Cain when the settlers filched their land. The capital city is known as Windy Wellington, the same happy method of naming towns being Generally adopted, for instance Awful Auckland, Rumbling Rotorua, Magnificent . Matata and Wonky Wh:ikatane. A small Maori settlement is a Pa and a larger one a Grand Pa. Most New Zealanders like to pretend that thev can speak Maori. On important occasions such as the commencing of a football match or farewelling an army a Maori w T ar cry is given. It is like "Auld Lang Syne"—nobody ever knows the second verse. At Rotorua and other places there are hot springs. Cheap excursions are run to these and the people go theie every summer to do their wash ing. Much of the land is exceedingly fertile, some of the richesi streets carrying nineteen bookmakers to the acre. The inhabitants are very even tempered. The only time a Christchurch man gets really wild is when, asked if he was born in Wlia'satane, and any New Zealander gels wild when American tourists ask if the Australian government rules them justly. as** Choicest story of the week perhaps is that of the Maori who was sitting on the running board of some-one else's car. The owner entered it and drove o!f with a jerk. The Maori fell off. jumped up, did a haka, brandished his fist and yelled out. "Don't vou drive away like that again. You sound your horn first or I'll put the Johns on you." : f Continued foot previous column}