IN LIGHTER VEIN

Bay of Plenty Times, Volume LXVII, Issue 12486, 21 October 1938, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Peter, to arrival in heaven, “Ho did you get here?” “’Flu!” 4. 4A man may get his foolish trail from his father, hut names like Ri pert de Vere Lancelot Goop are usi ally given by his mamma. * + The only man who wasn’t spoile by being lionised, was Daniel. 4- -t The manager, to the young clerk “You are late this morning!” Clerk: “Yes; I overslept.” The manager: “Well, well, do yo sleep at home as well?” + 4“Now, boys,” said the teachei “suppose in a family there are fiv children and the mother has onl; four potatoes to divide among them She wants to give each < child ai equal share. What should she do?’ Silence reigned in the room. Fin ally one little boy put up his hand “Well, Johnny, what would yoi do?” asked the teacher. “Mash the potatoes, sir.” + +' “Don’t act like a baby!” “I can’t help it. I was born thal way.” + + Young man (to jeweller): “Will you take back this engagement ring please?” Jeweller: Why? Doesn’t it suit the lady?” “Yes —but I don’t.” + + Hotel Clerk (to guest from the country): “Of course, you’ll want running water in your room?” Guest: “Why? Do I look like a trout?” + . + Governor: And have you any plans for the future when your sentence expires?” Prisoner: “Yes. I’ve got the plans of two jewellers and a post office.” + 4A man had been describing his visits to a certain prison in his capacity as clergyman. The following week, when passing the prison on a crowded bus with his nephew, he pointed it out to the boy. In a shrill voice the boy inquired, “Is that the prison yeu were in, uncle?” 4- + “How’s your betting going on? Doing any good?” said Macdonald to his horse-racing friend. “Pine!” replied Macpherson. “Yesterday I had the best double I’ve ever had.” “Good man! What was it?” “Two non-runners. I got my shilling, back! ” + * Mrs, Prosser had been a widow for six months. She was in the ■cemetery planting grass seed generously on her husband’s grave and watering it copiously. “What are you doing now, Mrs. Prosser?” asked an acquaintance. “I promised my husband- that I would not marry again until the grass grew on his grave,” replied the widow. + 4* A little girl was taken to church for the first time, and on her return her mother asked what the text of the sermon was. “ ‘Don’t worry, the muffler will ■come,’ ” the child replied. The puzzled mother at last found ■out from a member of the congregation that the text had been: “Fear not, the Comforter is at hand.” 4* + A young doctor, whose practice was not great, sat in his study reading away a lazy afternoon. His maid appeared at the door “Doctor, them boys is stealing your green apples again. Shall I chase them away?” The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then levelled his eyes at his maid. “No!” he directed. 4- 4PEAK OF THRIFT. Father: “I want you to quit keeping company with Sands. For two cents I would ask him to go.” Daughter: “For two cents he’d leave on his own accord.”

u " AHA! u“Shall we have a friendly gam of cards?” asked Mrs. Newcomer. “No, let’s play bridge,” vetoed In husband. 4- + IN CO.MFORT. “Lend me a dime for carfare.” “Sorry but all I have is one 50 cent, piece.” “That’s fine! I can take a taxi: )U 4- + WORSE. r “I’m very tired,” said Mrs. Jone re from the head of the supper tab! ly one Sunday evening. “You shouldn’t be,” said the poli n tician, who Jiad been asked to th< evening meal. “You haven’t givei j_ two speeches to-day.” j “No,” said Mrs. Jones, “but I’v« u listened *to them ” * * WAGES! Required immediately, young Lady Clerk, age 21-24. Must be aecust tomed to wages.—Adv. in a Daily Paper. Nobody wants an employee who 1 is liable to swoon from excitement ' t on receiving a 'pay-envelope.—Hu-morist. e 4* 4* CONSCIENTIOUS. A troop of Boy Scouts was encamped on the creek bank at the e bottom of Blogg’s farm. The scoutt master announced that they would have stew for dinner, and he told a one of the boys to ask Blogg for a turnip. “Do you want a fairly big one?” asked the boy. a “About the size of your head,” said the scoutmaster. a . Fifteen minutes later Blogg raced j. into camp. “One of your boys needs attention!” he yelled at the scoutmaster. “He’s pulling up all my turnips and trying his hat on them.” : + + 1 . TO-DAY’S SUN DIA LETT K . > The milk dray collided with a motor lorry, and many bottles of ’ milk were broken. A crowd gather- ’ ed. “Poor fellow you will have to pay for this accident, won’t j r ou?” asked a sympathetic man. “Yes, sir,” said the, driver. “That’s 100 bad,” was the reply. “Here is a quarter towards it, and I’ll pass the hat for you.” After the crowd had contributed, the driver said to a bystander: ‘That’s the boss.” + 4THE BIGGEST HEAI^ A Sunday-school teacher had been telling her class of boys about the crowns of glory they might wear in the hereafter. “Now, boys,” she said, “can you tell me who will get the" biggest crown?” “Yes, mum,” said one of the pupils. “Tm wot’s got the biggest ’ead!” 4- 4NO PANACEA. A salesman once managed to talk Mrs. Coolidge into buying a large medical volume for family use. She did not tell her husband anything about it, because she came to feel that she had paid too much for the book. Some time later, she thought she would pick up the tome and glance through it. Upon opening it she read the following on the fly leaf: “Don-’t see any recipes for curing suckers. —Calvin Coolidgs.” 4- 4MORE OF THE SAME. “Caesar was a Roman Admiral who landed in Britain about 54 8.C., but he had a tough struggle, and it was not until A.D. 45 that he really made peace. Caesar was warned to beware of the Ideas of March.” “Disraeli was the first British statesman to become a film star.” “The Royal Mint is used by the King at meals.” “Matterhorn was a horn blown by the ancients when anything was the matter.”

AIM-M! WHAT ABOUT THE TUNA* ne “Well we finally found out what’s become of those pieces of chicker er that have been disappearing,” th« head chef reported to the restaurani owner. “Fine! What happened to them?’ “That new green cook has beer using them to make chicken salad!’ 0- * * • ” BY THE NOSE • Teacher; “Sammie, how did they discover iron?” Sammie: “I heard father say they " s smelt it,” le 4* 4* i- ALWAYS FAITHFUL. 8 “Is he the sort of fellow who forn gets about you when you have no money?” Q “No,-he's an instalment collector.” + + OUR DRAMATIC CRITIC SAYS: “We send our actors to England y and England sends her actors to us. It’s getting to be Hams across the y „ sea. 0 4. 4. 1 JUST AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. “You’re a dear sweet girl, Anna.” “But my name is Sue!” “You’re a dear sweet girl, anna love you with air my heart.” 3 + • - * i DON’T BE CONSERVATIVE. 1 “Have something different. Cut i out dainty sandwiches in attractive card patterns. Made of pure alum- ’ inium.” —Item in Stores List. , v *s* OF COURSE NOT! i Interviewer: “What have you to say about anonymous letters?” Professor: “They’re stupid! I read them but I never answer them.” + + HEARD AT INTERNATIONAL MATCH. Australian Davis Cup Player (missing shot): “Oh, phooey!” Little Galleryite (overhearing remark): “Oh, Daddy, the Australians speak English!” + ; + TABLE TENNIS TENET. Though aced, disgraced, and doublecrossed By each elusive little ball, It’s better to have pinged and lost, Than never to have ponged at all. * + “Didn’t you say your dog’s bark was worse than his bite?” “Yes.” Then for goodness’ sake don’t let him bark. He’s just bitten me.” 4- + The auctioneer held up a pair of antique silver candlesticks. “Will someone- give me a start?” he began. “Fourpence,” came a reply. “What’s that?” queried the auctioneer. “Ah,” retorted the bidder, “I thought that would give you a start!” T T 1 “There’s something odd about you this morning,” said the dictator to his chief lieutenant. “Yes—l know , what it is. For the first time since I’ve known you, you’ve left off your medals.” ] The other looked down at his ( chest. c “Great Scott,” he cried, “I forgot ( to take them off my pyjamas.” +. v ■ Two motorists met at a bridge too 6 narrow for two cars to pass. c i “I never back for any old fool,” f shouted one driver. \ “That’s all right,” replied the other s quietly, as he shifted into reverse: s “I always do.” v + + s “Old Bill’s trousers are getting g very shiny at the seat, aren't they?” n “Yes, he told me the other day he s was afraid to bend down for fear of s getting seven years’ bad luck.”

? Auntie asked Jill what had most s impressed her on her first visit to the n zoo e Five-year-old Jill thought hard t for a moment or two, then said; “I think the elephant, Auntie. I loved r> to see him picking up buns with his n vacuum cleaner.” 4* 4* “How is it Jones isn’t at work this morning?” asked the foreman. “He met with an accident at his j ■wedding yesterday, explained the workmen. “When he came out of the church, he had to walk under an arch of crossed picks. Just then a whistle went, and his mates downed tools.” 4- 4-

The student wished to improv his knowledge of German, so In asked his college professor to givi him private lessons in his rooms. One evening the student invitee the professor to stay for dinner aftei the lesson. During the meal, the professor continued to explain various points about the German language. Presently he uttered a strangesounding word which the student failed to understand. “I didn’t quite catch that, sir,” he said. “Do you mind repeating it?” “No!” snapped his guest, breathing heavily. “That was a fishbone!” 4- 4“I want to register the birth of twins, gentlemen,” said the proud father, entering the registrar’s office. “Why ‘gentlemen’?” inquired the registrar. “I’m the only person here.” “Then I’d better go back and count those twins again.” 4- + Jenkins was stout with large, broad feet, and although several pairs of shoes were shown him, he refused them. “I must have square toes,” he explained to the assistant. The young man sighed wearily. “But square toes are not stocked now, sir” he explained. “Pointed toes are fashionable this season.” Jenkins gave him an angry stare. “That may be,” he retorted, “but J happen to be wearing last season’s feet.”

“Aye, yon was a powerful discourse on Thrift ye preached the Sabbath,” said Donald to the minaster the service. “I’m glad you were able to profit by it,” replied the parson. “Profit! Why, mon, I would have sloshed ma saxpence into the plate wi’out a thought if it hadna been for your providential words —they saved me fourpence there and then.” “Darling, do stay a little longer!”, said the lovesick girl. “My pet, I cannot,” replied her boy friend. “I’d give half my life to stay with you longer, but it’s impossible.” “How is that?” “We have a club meeting to-night and anybody who arrives late is fined sixpence.” A tramp stopped at the kitchen door of the farmhouse, and asked for something to eat. “If you’ll go to the woodshed,” the farmer’s wife told him, “and split up the logs you find there, I’ll give you a good meal.” In a surprisingly short time the tramp returned; but an inspection of the woodshed by ( the good wife showed all the logs carefully split except one gnarled, knotty old stump. Well satisfied, she spread a generous meal before him, and, as he ate, she said: “I do wish you’d tell me how you split those logs so quickly and so easily” “Why, madam, I simply stood beside them and told them funny stories, and they split themselves.” In the middle of the night, there was a great commotion in the woodshed, and, on rushing in to investigate,' the amazing discovery was nade that the gnarled, knotty old stump had split itself into a thousand pieces. It was a piece of Scottish chestnut.

A Canadian farmer, in reply to a request for payment of instalments due on his land, wrote: — “Dear Sir, —I got your letter about what I owe yon. Now be pachent, I ain’t forgot you. Please wait. When I have the money, 1 pay you. If this was Judgment Day, and you was no more prepared to meet your Maker than I am to meet your account, you sure would have to go to Kades. Trusting you will agree to do this, I am, yours truly.” STOP! STOP! Out in an oil locality a new man was making frantic efforts to raise a stand of twelve-inch piper by himself. The foreman, jealous of bis safety record, yelled excitedly, He) there, stop! Hey you, stop! Don t do that! Stop!” Came the calm reply, “Whassamatter, boss? Are you trying to die . tate a telegram?” VIRTUE AM) POT Mrs Nellie Taylor Ross, director of the United States Mint, said in V as ington; , „,. c “The compliments a husband P are sensible and truthful, but som - times they are less pleasing to wife than the ones he used o ilier when they were sweethear s. “A husband was so delighted _ evening with the pot roast his ' had cooked for him that he sai he filled up his plate again: “ ‘Darling, I think I’ll call yon the beautiful name of Virtue. “ ‘Yes, for virtue is its o _ ward,’ she answered in a tire ‘I cook and wash and l«n and sweep and clean and do all the housewojk for you without getting any " a => THAT MAN AGAIN Overheard (in an air ime ticket office): Miami and “But this ticket says Miami I want to go to Minneapolis- a U “You’ll get to Minn ® aP what the right. Pay no attention to * ticket says. We maik Trip way when our Mr Corrigan No, 7.”