Diversions

Bay of Plenty Times, Volume LXV, Issue 12390, 30 July 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

Diversions

The chief constable of a small town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night the telephone bell rang. The chief constable’s wife answered it. “Is that Mr Jenkins?” asked an agitated voice. “Do you want my husband in his capacity as veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?” “Both, madame,” came the reply, “We can’t get our new bulldog to open his mouth, and there’s a burglar in it.” * * * A negro preacher was interrupted by two dogs fighting in the church porch. “Brothahs an’ sistahs,” he said, decisively, “Ah can see you’ attention has strayed from this book, so Ah closes it. But Ah opens this one, an’ right now Ah lays five to four on the black dawg.” * * * It was approaching midnight and the young man still hovered round the door. Suddenly the stillness was shattered by a loud crash upstairs. “Gracious, dead,” said the nervous suitor, “what could that be?” “Oh,” • replied his adored one, “that’s just father dropping a hint.” * * * Pat had been out of work in the potteries for four years when he got a good job. Unfortunately, during the first week he dropped a statue, and was told he would have to pay the price—£100—at sixpence a week. Next week he dropped a piece of work valued at £ 200. So he said to his workmates; “Begorrah, I’ve got .a job for loife.”

The occupant of a newly-built house had complained of the electric installation, and the builder’s agent had called. Trying to do his best for his employer, he said, “You complained of the lighting? H’m—seems all right to me. Tell me, I suppose you aren’t troubled with poor light always?” “Oh, no—not always, of course.” “Ah —-I thought not. Only at certain times, you mean?” the agent asked, thinking to have scored a point. “That’s right,” the tenant replied, “Only after dark.” * * * Schoolmaster (to new hoy): “What is your name?” Boy: “Jule, sir.” “You should say Julius, not Jule. Have you any other name?” “Yes, sir; Billious!” * * * Herbert and Hilda, humble honeymooners, were having dinner in a first-class restaurant. “What do you think of this?” whispered Herbert. “Why, I think it’s superb,” responded Hilda gushingly. “Darling, I know it’s soup,” said Herbert, a trifle irritably, “and please don’t call me ’Erb ’ere.” * * * The student’s allowance had run out, so he wrote home for more money. Feeling a bit nervous about the impression it would make he ended his letter: “P.S. —I did not like writing to you. In fact, I ran after the postman to get this letter back.”

A week later he received the following reply: “You will be glad to know I did not receive your letter.”