Mrs. Bellair's Christmas Festivities.

Bay of Plenty Times, Volume LII, Issue 8473, 19 December 1923, Page 4

Mrs. Bellair's Christmas Festivities.

The night express was just drawing out of the station, and I had begun to congratulate myself on my luck in securing an empty carriage amid the usual Christmas-Eve crowd when the door was flung open and a huge black kit-bag, followed by a soldier, entered the compartment. “Good evening, Sir,’’ said the soldier as he deposited his bag on mv hat, and, realising his mistake, removed it hurriedly to the opposite f.tat, where it crushed a bunch of gay flowers I was taking to my hostess. “Off for the holidays, same as myself, I see. I always likes to gel back home for Christmas—no Christ mas in barracks for me, if I can help it. Oh*, are those your flowers my kit-bag’s on? lam sorry, sir. No, it, ain’t done ’em much good, and that’s a fack; but we mustn’t worry over trifles this festive season, must we? “Yes, as you say, sir. I’ve seen some funny Christ masses,” he continued, drawing a cigarette from behind his ear and hunting for a match in the lining of his cap. “I spent one in a troopship, another up Delagoa Bay way during the war, three in Indiar—where you’d rather have a block of ice than a Yule log. But the rummiest one of the lot was one I spent in England some ten year

ago now. "At the tim& of which I’m speaking I was doing servant to Captain Fitz Gerald—as nice a young off’cer as you’d'wish to meet- and him and me was about) as intimate and good pals as it’s possible for a captain to be with a private soldier. If I suffered from a bad head, the result of the ‘morning after the night before, he’d give me a fizzy drink to pull me round, and if he was worried I used to read his letters to see if I could find out what it was cankering his heart, and try and help him. If it was bills—which it generally was .--I couldn’t do' much ’cept tear 'em up and burn ’em; I did try and receipt cue once, but it was’nt a success, and nearly let Captain Fitz, in for a dose of chokee for forgery. But if it was love affairs—well, I’ve always been one for the gals, and a man what understands the fair sect can generally help a chap what’s ignorant of their ways. "This Christmas he’d been going around looking wonderfully chippy, and having kept myself up to date with his correspondence and what I could make out of his blotting-pad,

(By Scudamore Jarvis.)

I knew that it was love for Miss Elsie Bellairg that was putting him eff his feed. The course of true love, as you may know, sir, never did run smooth, and Miss Bellair’s mother was one o’ them stiff-necked, highfalutin’, hard-faced wimmin what you see prowling around with a pair o' spectacles on the end of a stick. “She was a hard ole nut, if ever there wa s one, and d’recly she knew that Captain Fitz Gerald was after her daughter she handed him the icy mitt and the cold shoulder o’ mutton right away. His family was right enough, but there wasn’t a handle to his name, and besides, Ins bank account wasn’t by no means fat enough to suit Mrs Beliaks. So my master wa s given the hint to do the fade away act as quickly as he liked and for the week afore Christmas he was looking so miserable that I took jolly good care to keep his ordinary razors locked up and made him shave with a safety what tore his face-up like a ploughed field. “On the morning of Christmas eve he got a letter what made him chirp up, and he fairly beamed as ho read it; but when he got to the end his face dropped a matter of a foot or so. “The old snob!’ ses he as he threw it on on© side. ‘I shan’t go.

"While he was in his bath I took the opportunity of reading it, and found it was from Mother Bellairs, asking him to spend a week at Christmas with them, and I thought things were looking up fair to medium bright, till I found she went on to’tell him to bring Lord Claverton with him. You see, six*, Lord Claverton was in our reg’ment, and Mother Bellairs’ letter, putting it in plain English, was: "Do l come and spend Christmas with us, and bring Lord Claverton. I’m such a snob, and love titles. If you can’t bring him, you can jolly well stop away yourself ; I’ve no use for you.’ “ ‘Begging your pardon, six*,’ ses I when he come back from the bathroom, ‘but did you say you wasn’t going away for Christmas?’ ‘“Yes, but if you want to see friends,’ sea he, ‘you’re free to go 1 ; I’ll manage somehow without you.’ " ‘lt’s very good of you, sir, ses I, s-.v,a liering a lump' what always comes in my throat when people are thoughtful and kind; ‘but I was thinking of you, sir. If I xvas you, I’d go.’

“ ‘What on earth, do you mean?’ ses he, .getting wild. ‘Have you bin reading my letters again ? •‘Well, I did just catch sight of, a bit,’ ses I. ‘Quite by mistake, I assure you; but, as I was saying, you’d better go.’ “‘Confound you!’ ses he, ‘I won’t, have you interesting yourself in ray private affairs.’ “ ‘Very good, sir,’ ses I with a sigh, and I started to tidy up his room, keeping up the sighing ticket till he asked 1 me what the devil was the matter with me.

“‘1 think that you’re acting against' your own interests,’ ses I. ‘You oughter go when you get a chanst like that.’ “ ‘Hang it all, I believe you know every fact of the case,’ ses he. “I didn’t tell him I did, but I looked artful out of the winder, and sighed again. “ ‘Well,’ ses he as I didn't speak, ‘l’m not going, because Lord Claverton can’t come. I met him outside the bathroom, and he’s booked up for Christmas.’ “ ‘Yes, I know that,’ ses I—it’s funny how officers never understand how much their servants know about •’em—‘but I’d go all the same—just

to spite ’er.’ “For a moment he looked at me as if he was going to kick me; then lie burst out laughing.

“ ‘All right/ seg he. ‘Pack my bag and look up a. train. I’ll take your advice and go, and you’ll have to come too and valet me. It’ll be a lesson to yon not to read my letters in future.’

“I don’t mind how many of. these sort of lessons I get for Christmas in a servants’ ’all full o’ mistletoe and ladies’-maidg is just what the doctor' ordered me; and that afternoon me and the capting bowled up to the door of Mrs BellaiiV house in the best of spirits, “I can’t quit© say how the mistake occurred, unless it was my good figure and the artful way I rejuvenate the cast-off suits my master gives me, but after the capting had gone upstairs to his room I stayed in the hall giving them white-headed flunkeys directions about the luggage, and while I was there a large-sized female in yards and yards of dress sailed up to me. I knewi it was Mrs Bellairs by the cut of her jib and the way she handled them funny spectacles, so I sorter lit out for safety behind a large cabbage plant in a pot.. “‘My dear Lord Claverton !- how are you?’ ses she in a/ voioe what suggested she was suffering from something between quinsy and a bone in her throat. ‘l’m so pleased you could come.’ “I had to shake hands with her, ’cog she’d driven me right against

the wall, and I couldn’t back no farther, so I got hold of her flipper, wishing a few of the rings would stick to my fingers, and asked her how' she did.

“ 'lt! was so good of you to come, net knowing me,’ ses she. “It was* beginning to get a bit scared. Having shaken hands with the lady and acted familiar afore the flunkeys, I was afraid to* lee her down with a bump and tell her who I was, and yet i didn’t! see how things were going to pan out comfortable the way w r e was going. But there was no interval for refreshmem with Mother Bellairs, and she jush rattled on like an orderly-room typewriter, without giving me a chance to speak. You could see by the way the cld girl war nodding her earrings and snapping her eyes that she* was feeling no end set up at hav ing a real live lord in the house, and it suddenly struck me that* Captain Fitz would get the* credit for it, and might be* able to back a winner himself cn the strength of it. So 1 decided to let things rip. “ ‘Have yon just arrived? - ses she-. ‘I suppose Captain Fitz Gerald came with you?'

“ ‘Ssh!’ ses I, getting playful and tipping her the wink. ‘l’ve played a little prank on him. L told' him I cculd’nt come just for a lark, and then I sneaked off and follered him —so* he doesn't kno*w I’m here.’

“‘Ha, ha, ha!’ she says with a laugh like tearing a yard of oilcloth. ‘What* a splendid joke*! I’m afraid you’re a very naughty man, Lord Claverton.’

“ ‘He; go hou with you!’ ses I, and seeing my chanst, 1 slipped past her and made for Captain Fitz Gerald’s room.

“You’d never believe the way (hat ungrateful feller behaved. He swore and cussed, and threatened to chuck me out! of the winder. Then he said he’d take me down and unmask me afore Mother Bellairs, and when I skid I’d rather be shot at dawn every morning of the week, ho only get madder. At last, however, he began to see things in the proper light. Lord Claverton was going away directly after Christmas to take up a staff appointment in Africa, so there was no chanst of the old lady meeting him, and if we all played our cards proper Captain Fitzgerald had a very good chanst of squaring things up with Mrs Bellairs and getting a. free hand with Miss Elsie. So, after teling me how to behave at dinner—-which I knew very well, having waited at mess often enough—and warning me not to drink champagne—'which I meant to do—we went to the droring-room.

“I suspicioned I looked pretty smart in one of my master’s cast-off dress-suits, but if I was to telll you how popular I was with the young ladies you’d never believe me. I was a real, expensive, slap-up piece of goods that evening, and no mistake; money couldn't have bought me. Mother Bellairs just fawned over me like I was a long-lost child, or a prodigal son come home with his pockets full o’ cash, and her idea was to keep me right alongside of her eldest daughter, Miss Jessie, who, although she wasn’t a patch on Micss Elsie, was a. very nice, personable young lady, and almost took my fancy as much as a housemaid I'd chased down the passage afore dinner.

“I go on fair to mediim all right with my young woman, but Captain Fitz Gerald with Miss Elsie, was making 1 hay while the sun shone, and Miss Bella’irs looking on all the time as pleased as Punch. You see, she set such shore by yours truly that she felt almost kind-hearted towards my master for having brought me, and allowed him to carry on with, the young lady without boring holes in him with her cheese-taster eyes.

“I got through that night all Sir Garnet, and no error, and the speech I made was applauded m> end — though it was more! or less spoilt by Captain Fitz Gerald getting me by the coat-tails and trying to Irani me down every time I called Mrs Bellairs 'mother.’

“The next morning being Christmas,- I got up feeling merry and bright, and, wanting to do someone a. good turn, I kissed all the housemaids under the mistletoe in the ball, and was just giving the last and prettiest one another fir luck when Mother Bellairs hove in sight like a ship under full sail. “ It’s all up,’ sesl to myself, looking for an open window or a drainpipe to crawl into. But I’d forgot for a moment I Was a lord. You see, when you’ve got a handle to your name you’re all right.—you can’t do no harm, however much you try—and ’stead of getting a. biff over the head with the spectacle stick, as I’d expected, the old' girl tapped me playful like on the arm and called me a naughty hoy. There was only one thing to do after that and I did it, I just shut my eyes, and, setting myself to do my dooty, I kissed her under the mistletoe. There’s an old saying, ‘None fmt the brave deserve the fair I ,’ and I wonder what sort! of a chap deserves Mrs Bellairs; I hope I don’t. “You’ve no idea how rapid I got on with Miss Jessie that day. Before lunch I wag patting her playful like; during lunch I threw an orange at her, and afterwards I was squeezing her hand and wondering if I could do the same to her waist. After this she took me into the conservatory to> see the flowers, and as we were coming out I spotted Captain Fitz Gerald stalking Miss Elsie, who was standing under the mistletoe I don’t know if she knew he was hanging around—l expect she did — hut she didn’t holler when he threw hi s arms around her and started kissing her.

“ ‘Thai’s what I call a. good example,’ ses I to Miss Jessie as Captain Fitz Gerald moved off and' left the space clear under the mistletoe. ‘What about it?’

"Miss Jessie she just giggled, so 1 took her right underneath, and had got in two or three good ones, when I’m hanged if Mother Bellairs didn’t turn up again. So fur as I

could see, the old gal hung about in the hopes of getting kissed by someone in error, but it’d have to be a pretty dark night for a mistake > like that to occur. “D’rectly 3he see us she run up and got a hold on my hand. “ ‘My dear Lord Claverton,’ ses s he ‘l’m so delighted. Of course, you have my blessing.’ “ ‘What's up?’ ses I, a bit took back. “ ‘There’s no one I’d like better for a son-in-law,’ ses she, jumping around and trying to put a half Nelson on me so’s to kiss me. “‘Son-in-law?’ ses I, and then I tumbled. The wicked old thing was trying to bounce me into marriage, just because of a harmless bit of kissing under the misteltoe. It was reg’lar blackmail, and nothing else; and if she liked to get a drop on me that way, it was her trouble if she got put into the cart later on. Still, I wasn't hankering after perjuring myself, and I let her just nm on as fast as she liked, and afore you could say ‘Knife’ she’d fixed up the wedding ami honeymoon, and by the time I'd brokeclear to get a drink, she and Miss Jessie were talking over what they’d wear on the happy day. “I found Captain Fitz Gerald having a drop, too, and after he’d set his glass down I just told him what had happened. ‘lt ain’t my fault, I give youlny word of honour, sir,’ ses I, as he opened his mouth to call me all the blackguards he could lay his tongue to. ‘lt was as fair a let in as you could wish fer, and it’s a ( jolly lucky thing for Lord Claverton that he didn’t come here really, ’cos he’d never have got out of the i house a single man.’ “ ‘Oh, what on earth am I to do

now?’ groaned Captain Fitz. “‘Do l !’ ses I, ‘Why, strike while \ the iron’s hot. She won’t care a rap who Miss Elsie marries now the eldest one’s going to be Lady Claverton. You sail right in, and ask her permission.’ And he did , what’s more, he got it. “That night after the big pndden ■had been cleared away and we’d all got our glasses filled with port, Mrs Bellairs got on her hind legs and made a speech. She was too. excited to say much, but what she did say was to the point. Her eldest daughter was engaged to Lord Claverton, and the wedding would take place shortly, and would we all join in drinking health and happiness to the loving couple? “I never miss a chance to have a glass, and I got right up to drink

my own health; but an officious

white-headed flunkey, pushed me , back again, and I had to sit still with a. dry tongue and watch other people lowering it down. "When they’d finished, Mi*s Bellairs was just going to set down when I jogged her arm. “ ‘What about it?’ ses I. ‘What shout the other two?’

"So she went! on, and give out that Captain Fitz Gerald was engaged to

Miss Elsie, and this time I took jolly good care that no flunkey stopped me from drinking long life and happiness to the best master what I’ve ewer served under. We had a few more healths after this, and when the ladies went to talk servants and fal-lals in the droring room I crept out into the hall and tried to figure out what was going to be the end of it all.

“I hadn’t got very’ fur when I heard a. snort, like a horse gives afore he starts drinking, and there was Mother Bellairs looking at me like a parson looks at a trouser button in the collection plate. “ ‘What is the meaning of this sir ?’ she ses in a. voice which reminded me of the sergeant-major on one of his liver-troublei mornings; and she hands me a paper what said that the Duchess of Chasemega's was giving a house party at Christmas, and that Lord Claverton was one of the guests. “Well, of course, I was right up against it then, and no error, so I just stood with my mouth open and tried to’ fix up a laugh. “‘Where’s Captain FitzGerald V ses she in the same awful voice, and my poor master came up looking like a bloke what had lost a sovring and picked up a temp’rance medal. “ ‘Who is this imposter?’ ses she; turning to him. ‘This scoundrel whom you have foisted on me as Lord Claverton?’ %

“ ‘Aren’t you Lord Claverton?’ ses Captain Fitz Gerald. “ ‘She ses I ain’t,’ ses I. ‘She look s as if she knew.’

“‘Then who are you?’ ses he, acting his part beautiful. “ ‘I dunno,’ ses I, doing a bit of playacting myself, and hitting my forehead like I’ve' seen heroes do at Drury Lane. ‘l’m what yau call a lost identity. I forgot my name years and years ago, and I don’t suppose I’ll ever remember it again. I come here in the course of my wanderings, and as everybody said I was Lord Claverton I let it! go at that.’

“ ‘But you said you knew me in my regiment,’ ses Captain FitzGerald’, ‘and you’re so wonderful like Lord Claverton I didn’t know the difference.’

“ ‘I thought I knew you, sir,’ ses I. ‘Faces sorter flit l up afore mo what I’ve seen afore, and your face was familiar,’ “ ‘You infernal scoundrel!’ ses Captain Fitz Gerald, seizing me by the collar. ‘Leave him to me, Mrs Bellairs—I will deal with him.

“ ‘You’ll do nothing of the sort,’ ses she. ‘I believe he’s your acquaintance

complice. I shall call in the p’leeoe.’ “ ‘Think of the publicity if you do that/ ses my master. ‘Better keep the matter quiet for your l own sake, and let me thrash him as he deserves. I’ll give him the soundest hiding of his life/ and, dragging raei outside the door, he gave me a five-pound note. “ ‘Clear out/ ses he, ‘and shave your mouthache off, or do something so. that no one recognises you.’

“ ‘Very good, sir,’ see I, ‘But, afore I go, let me give you .a bit of advice. Play up that publicity ticket for all you’re worth. The ole girl went as white as a. sheet when you spock about it, and if you say as how you’ll see the matter hushed up if she’ll let you marry Miss Elsie, sire’s bound to give way.’

“And I was right, for two months later I was outside the church door, chucking rice and old shoes with the bestl of them as Captain and Mr s Fitz Gerald drove away ; hut though I carefully read the* papers next day, there was no mention of Lord Claverton in the list of guests.”