Christmas Crackers.

Bay of Plenty Times, Volume LII, Issue 8473, 19 December 1923, Page 6

Christmas Crackers.

Her Fair Share. Brown was a fe’lcw whw earned good money, but Mrs Brown and the string of little Brownies never saw much of it*. The truth about Brown was that racing, cards, and Vv.i-up’ had him by ‘‘the wool/' One day the cyrate called; hev l Mis B s harrowing tale; and decided to speak, seriously to Brown The interview went this way . Curate: "Why do you waste all your money in gambling?'' Brown; "f. don’t. I makes it a rule never 1;; spend more’u two-thirds on no uccmini whatever.’’ Curate: ‘Tin glad to , hear it. And do you j nt the rest in the post office.’’ Brown (triurnphauially): "Not on. your life, Sir! I gives the rest to the missus for ’uusekeeping!” •x- * -x The Thick and the Thin. The large, fat man mod check suit clambourcd slowly into the char-a-banc bound for the races, and with the agility of a baby elephant deposited his adiposity mostly upon that August personage, the immaculate crack jockey. The' ‘alter party vented his wrath in loud tunes and rounded off his haoang >e with. "They ought to charge by weight m these ’buses. ’’ The crowd tittered. Then the large, fat man surveyed the diminutive one. "Is that ro, sonny,” he replied; "in that cast it wouldn’t he worth while stepping to pick you up!” And the jocks! er was completely squashed. He Had To Do It! Collecting alter tin- lasi race was a tiresome proceeding, just as it a! wavs is when long ques line up after a favourite had wen. Ami llenare, waiting impatiently in the* oar while Timi collee ed, said, things under his breath. By the rime Timi emerged from the aid: most * f the uihet m.-s ' bad left for m.wii, a i l lUmare hated taking anyone’s dust. So, when they got going, he let her nut at lop

1 and quickly mowed down the lead- | ers, eventually getting to the front. Naturally the outraged traffic inspector made a note of the number of Henare’s car, and in due course a John Hop. interviewed Henare, and tendered him a nice, blue, "complimentary” to* attend the sutmg of the court. Henare was there, but when charged with speeding he stoutly averred that Timi was at the wheel that day. "Timi knows all about it,” he said, "he'll pay the fine.” That right Henare rang up Timi, and acquainted him of the court procec'hngs "You were finj ed a quid, Timi,” he explained, | "thcy’vei fined me five times in that K -,vn already, and the last wa= a tenner. You got off cheap. Timi, (del man, and 1 really had to «;•„•* it ” * •* * * The Picker. "Race cards,” called a smalt boy, "Cards of the races,” and immedj inte I y there was a rush of early morn ing loungers for bonks Amongst the number was a big, raw-boned fellow from die Back of Beyond, but, unlike his companions wno quickly opened their hoiks and • ivainc engrossed in the tad; of picking ’em. : he stuffed big correct card mi»o I is ' pocket, -ml sir blind ir;-. the dining i room. "Got a pin on yer? ’ he- nsk- . cd of the waitress. The pin was j produced, and he b id the race book flat; on the table, and shibbtd it j; through the centre*. "What arc von { doni f ’ inquired the curious waitress. "Pickin’ winners,” he said, "It’s I the best system I know of. 1 just I backs whatever horses the pin goes 1 through!” “Gam !” said the lady ! with scorn, "I know a Utter way j than that. Use a tabh fork arid ! you’ll get first- second - -Third- --and | fourth!” j A Fish Story. j Smith had had a, big night at the j club, and, when a taxi deposited him i at hig gate about 3 a.m., he had; a j decided "roll” on. But his consideration for the little wife was ever in

I his mind, and, as was his usual wont, he sat heavily upon the kerbing and laboriously removed his boots. With footsteps thus muffled he zig-zagged to the front door, and, at the seventh attempt'—inserted 1 his latch-key in the lock, and entered the hall. All was inky darkness, butl he knew the well, and although he cannoned into various pieces of furniture, he prided himself that lie was "making a noise —quietly.” Then came a crash! Glass splintered and water splashed in all directions! "Good! heavens,” screamed Mrs Smith, from the top the stairs, "Whatever has happened, George?” "’S orxite, m’ dear,” htc-coughed Smith, falling over' a couple of chairs, "nothin’s happenJ ed—hie—butl”— (with emphasis) ' "I’ll teach’ those blanky gold fish to snap at me!”