FUNNIOSITIES.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXIX, Issue 2964, 31 May 1898, Page 3

FUNNIOSITIES.

Old Lady (to uiece who is portionless) : " How is it, n.y dear, that yuu have never kindled a flame in the bosom of a man V" The Niece : " The reason, dear auntie, is that I'm not a good match." — :o: — She : " I hope you can come next Thursday. We're having some music and a supper after. 1 He: "Oh, yes, I'll come, but— cr — I may be late." Nell : "I shouldn't like to be in your shoes." Maude : "'No, they'd pinch you fright* fully, wouldn't they ?" — :o: — "Mr. Peel, I should like to ask you for a rise in my wa^es. I have just been married," said the workman. "Very sorry, my good man," said the employer, "but I can't help you. For accidents which happen to workmen outside the factory the company ib not responsible. " An American editor heads his lists of births, marriages, and deaths thus ; " Hatched, matched, and despatched." — :o: — Mistress : "What did you tell those ladies who just called V Mary : " Oi told them that yez was not in, mum." Mistress : " Avid what did they say ?'' Mary : " How fortinifc, mum," A short time ago a publisher brought out a book entitled, " Advice to Plain Women." Only one copy has yet been disposed of, and that was taken by the office boy to his mother for curl-paper. — :o: — Nurae (to young husband) : " Abeauti' ful ten-pound baby, sir !" l'oiing Husband (getting things mixed in his excitement) : "Glorious! Am I a father or a mother V" — :o: — She : " They must have quarrelled last night." He : " What»makos you think so ?" She : " He ia so attentive now." — :o: — Lady (whose young niece is about to go for a aail with some members of a rowing club) : "I should like to go with you, only I'm so afraid of drowning. Are tb,e gentlemen good swimmers'?' 1 Gentlemen (in chorus) : "Oh, no, we can't swim at all." Lady : " Then I think I'll go with you, for in that case you are sure to be very careful." — :o: — " You love another, Jack !" " Hovr can you talk that way, dearest? I've I kissed you thirty titles in two minutes." "But if you loved mo, Jack, you would [ not keep count."