HITS AND BITS.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXIX, Issue 2963, 27 May 1898, Page 3

HITS AND BITS.

Rather * Pleasant Ascent.— Riling to dietinction. ••• A man who caa't sing and will stag ibtold b« made to swing. # # * Jonen : I say Miss Brawn, bow I> it that 700 are always out wLen I call P— She i Ob, just luck t *** The tombstone in about the only thing that can stand upright and sit the i»m9 time lie on its face. • ♦ It is a consolation when another maa it fa trouble to thick that it will prove a valuable lesson to him. »** " Well, Johnnie, I hear you go to school now." •• Yes." •• What part of it do you like best ?'' " Cotnin' home." » » Dr. Emdee t My man, jou are sadly fn neeJ of change.— Hardup : Y« ; but I called you as a medical, not as a financial expert. ••* Evangelist : My lad, do yon want to go where all the other sinners are going?— Hardened Sinner : Wheu do you start P S Jiall Boy : Papa, are two heads better than one ? Papa : Sometimes, my sou. Small Boy : Is th&t the reason they put 'em on play ing cards ? Visitor: I hear your last ser rant left you without giving notice. — Housekeeper : Yes ; she peured paraffin on the fire and was blown out sf the wiadew. " All the world may be a stage," remarks the disgusted dramatic critic, •• bat Sbakespetre was wrong whoa he sail that all the men and women were players." *** The Artist (to Mb model in suit of mail) * What's the matter, Foley ? Can't you keep still P The Model : I can't, sor. Xc shut a bluebottle fly in the hilmifc. • « Bagley : The pawnbroker bowed to yonr wife ; does he know her ?— Brace : I presume he feels that ha does ; he has seen her picture so often inside the case of my watch. *♦♦ " What docs a Welsh rarebit loelc like P * "On a plate it ie a symphony in A g*ld, but when you are asleep it is a five-eyed elebpaoO with eigbt fest, all planted on your chest." Jigson : You are the most inveterate gambler I evfer saw in my liFe. 1 don t believe you can discuss the simplest proposition without offering to bet on it. Digson : Bat you tan to one I can. • # » A prudent master advised his drunken servant to put by his monvy fer a rainy day. In a few weeks the master inquired how rauoh of bis wages he had saved. " Failh, none at all," said he. " I did as you bid me ; it rained yesterday, and it all went." *** Dick : How does Rvlstock come ts get so many invitations for evening parties P Jack t Well, jou know, a man who can stimulate the flow of conversation is always welcome. •• BufHadstook is no talker." •• He doesn't talk himself— ho sings." Fond Mamma (who knows him at htme) * Frankie, 1 hope you have been a nice quiet boy at school this afternoon. Frsakie : Yes, indeed, mamma, I went to sleep ou my scat directly the ecboal opened, and tUc teacher said she would keop in the first boy or girl that woke me up. A highwayman and & chimney sweep were t» be hauged together at Tyburn. A clrrgyuau was praying devoutly for tLclr s-Mils, when tlso highwayman said ts th« sweep, •• Keep farther off, sir, can't you ?" •• Sir," replied the sweep, •' I won't keep off ; I have as much right to be hero as you.'* Uncertainty. — " She is determined to be a musician, but can't decide whether to make » speciality of the violin or the piano." •' Has she bu positive predilection for either ?" •• Oh, yes ; but some of her friends thinks she looks better standing, and others that sitting is more beceming'to her." I •-• ■ Magistrate : Pat Murphy, the constable says you were fighting. What have you to Bay for yourself ? Pat Marpby : Well, your worship, Oi had a clean whito shirt on, an' Oi was so moighty proud of it that Oi got up a bit of » row wid a man so as Oi could take any coat and wescot off and show it. ••• •• You wrote to me and said you bad the gout, and told me to bring you gout medicine. It's cot gout you have at all —it's rheumatism." —Irish Patient : Ah, doctor, dear, faith an' I knew that as well as ye do yeiself, an' I woold have said so in my letter : but sure there was no one in the house that conld spell it. V The eminent physician was irritable. Calling the porter be said, " Wbo is it that keeps I siogiag * I would not live alway ?' " •• It's the lady in the apartment above, sir." " Well, tell her that as a professional man I am prepared to assure her that she won't, atd there is consequently no came for further agitation on her part." • * It was a few minutes before dinorr when little Fred inquired : •• Mamma, have I been bad to-day ?" " Yes, Freddie ; very bad indeed." •* Do you think you will send me to bed without any supper ?" '• 1 have a great mind to." " Well, mamma, I nish you'd Itt me know now, so that I can ttll how much dinner to eat." %* " Ma," remonstrated Cbarlie, " when I was at grandma's she let me have two pieces of pir." •'Well, she ought not to have done so, Charlie.' said his mother. •• I think two pitces of pie are too much for little boys. The older you grow, Charlie, the more wisdom you will gain." Charlie was silent, but only for a moment, II Well, ma,'' he said, •• grandma is a good dea' older than you are/ • * An Equivecal Aaswer.— A certain literary gentleman, wishing to be undisturbed one afternoon, instructed bis servant to admit no one, and if anyone inquired fer him, to give an " equivocal answer." Night came, aud the gentleman proceeded te interrogate Fat as 1 ? the callers. " Did anyone call ?" •• Ye- j, sir, one jintlemau." '" What did he cay ?" "He asked was your honour in." " WeT, wkat did yen tell him ?" " Sore I gave Mm an equivverkle answer, jiat. " " Row wai that ?" " I axed,him if bis graodnottet mi ft monkey.*