Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XXI, Issue 2182, 11 July 1890, Page 6

Wit and Humour.

There is a merchant in a Texas town whose name is Lonely, and it is an appropriate name, too, for he doesn't advertise. .Young wife (tenderly) — ' What's matter, my dear P Don't you like poundy»ke^^P Husband (hesitatingly) — 'Y-e-Bjlovej bufc'l don't care for ten-pound cake.'

Ethel — • Papa says the money market is very unsteady.' Edith — • Why, uncle George said this evening that money was tight !' Ethel — ' Well, that's what makes it unsteady.'

Father — ' You are six years old to-day, Tommy, and from now on you must try and be a better boy.' Tommy — ' Say, pa, what's the matter with putting it off until I am seven or eight ?'

' Ah, Jemmy,' Baid a sympathising friend to a man who w as just too iate for the train, 'you did not run fast enough.' 'Yes, I did,' said Jemmy. ' I ran fast enough, but I did not start soon enough.'

Steersman (during an exciting yacht race) — ' Man overboard ! Shall wa stop, or Jot him drown ?' Captain (promptly) — ' We must et>p and picK him up. It's against the ruleß to drop any ballast during a race.'

New girl — ' There's one thing I don't like abo it the master. He keeps calling me 'my dear.' ' Mrs Pigg — • Oh, you mustn't mind that, it's only a habit of his. Why, he erea addresses me that way sometimes.'

• Cease your flatteries, sir 1' sud fair Agnes to the Captain ; ' cease your flatteries, sir, or I'll stop up my ears.' The ofEcer'a gallantry is inexhaustible. ' Stop up your ears P Those dainty hands are far too small for that \' t

A PA.E&.DOX. In a newspaper office the fact is well known, And tho people will oft' of the paradox speak, That although signs of discord be never there

shown, Yet the devil's to pay at the end of each week.

Country parson (followed by tramp) — * My good man, don't you know that it is very wrong to dog me about in this way ?' Tramp — • Wrong, sir ? Ba tho powers ? I cuda'fc do betther than follow in your riverenfc'a footshteps.'

An advocate before an English Bench of Magistrates lately said he had two witnesses in court, in support of the causi of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth, for he had no opportunity of co nmunicating with them.

Friend — ' And how have you enjoyed Warner this afternoon, Miss Arpeggio?' Miss Arpeggio (an intenaa young woman, with fervour) — ' Oh, I feel that I am beginning t) appreciate him. My head aches harder than usual to-day.'

Telegraphers have ways of communicating to ca'ih other unknown to common folks. Said one of them:—' If I am sitting next to an associate in an audience room, I nevor speak. I simply tap out my message on the hand of my friend.'

Papa — 'No, my dear, I would not wear tan-coloured gloves, they do n t match your dress' If is heiress — 'Dear me, neither they do (brightening), but then you know, paps, I can get a drese and a wrap and a bonnet and a parasol to rautoh tha gloves.'

Ardent lover — ' When does your birthday come, dear?' Object o? his affections — 'J^jf^ comes on Christmas Day, Haro'd.' Ardes^^^ lover (with an eye to future economy in the matter of presents) — 'Good! Let's be married on Christmas Day, Maud 1'