Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 1755, 4 June 1886, Page 5

Wit and Humour.

G-erman photographers are now making ' photographs of lightning. They are said to ' be striking likenesses. . " Are you asleep, Susey ?" " Why do you ask me such a question, ma ?" * f Because it's , timo bo take your medicine." *' Then I'm asleep, ma." " Children," said a a considerate matron to her assembled progeny, " children you may have everything you want, but you mustn't ! want anything you can't have." Wanted. — "The hoight of ambition" — in ' feet and inches ; a chip from the " post o£ duty ;" a quiver for fche " arrow of conviction ;" the original design of the " case altorod by circumstances." " Put mo in the eamo room," says an old philosopher, " with a number of young girls, and I will toll you, whon fche postman knocks, merely by watching the looks of some, and the aciions of others, how many are in love." " Witness, I believe you said you were a

saloon keeper ?" " Yes, sir." "Do you know the prisoner at the bnr?" "Well, that depends. When he ha<j the money about 'im I do, but when he wants it pufcjjon the alafce I don't." "What amused me most afc the opera," said an Arab chief who had been taken to hear " Faust," " was a musician in the orchestra sf ated a little higher than fche rest, who performed on an invisible instrument with a stick. " What's the matter, old fellow ? You look sick." " I am." " Business dull ?" " No." "| Health bad?" " Yes, dyspepsia." " Thafc^ too bad. Your cooking is not very good, is it?" "No." "Wife gone away?" "No; girl has. " You will lose your pocket-handkerchief," sone one of his friends to George Coleman, whom he met walking up the Haymarket. " Not if you will pass on," replied Coleman, as he stood for a moment and waited for his friend to go by. " Carrie," said one Somervillo girl to another yesterday, " are you going to the picnic tomorrow ?" " I am ; are you?" "Of course." " What do you intend fco wear ?" "My white muslin of course. What do you intend to wear." '* I will wear a waterproof cloak. I've been to picnics before." " I have never givon you credit for knowing very muoh, madame," said a blunt old bachelor, " but " " Sir," she interrupted "do you wish insult " " But he continued, " I have always admired your grace and beauty." " I accept your apology,' 'said the lady. Col. Fizzletop was under fche painful necessifcy of administering a eevere castigation to hia son Johnny. After he had completed his labours, he said sternly to the suffering victim — " Now, tell mo why I punished you ?" " That's it," sobbed Johnny ; you " nearly pound the hfe out of mo and you don't even know why you did it." A gentleman lately, hoisting of the neatness and regularity of his wife said, " If I get up in the night, pitch-dark, I can find my clothes, down to my very gloves, all in their proper places. I was up this morning before daylight," he continued, putting his hand into his pocket for hia handkerchief, " and " Here he pulled out, not his handkerchief, bub his wife's night-cap I HOW HE MUST ASK. A man in giving his teatitnony before a coloured magiatrafce, with reference to somo one who had recontly died, spoke of fche deceased. "Mr Jiner," easd the justice, interrupting the witness, " whut yer wanter keep on spoakin 1 'bout de deceased puaaon fur ? In coso de man wus deceased ur he wouldnter died. Try ter talk langige in dis deah cou'fc, if yer pleases." " Pa," said a lazy little chap, aa the old man came into bhe woodshed, '* haven't I sawed enough for to-day ? I getting tired." "Tired? Why, I bet your mother ten cents that you would have fche whole pile aawed before supper." " You did," shouted the bay aa he grasped the aaw and expectorated on both hands. " You bet ten cents on me ? If tho Saw holds out I'll win the money." Some men are too mean to have children. Lord William Lennox records what he calls an admirable saying of one of the wittiest men of our age, perhaps of any age, who, when Sir John Paul's bank stopped payment, was met coming out of it by a friend. So Sir John has failed," said tho friend. •* ies," replied the lawyer, " aud I've been victimised." " Beally 1" continued the other, " the news must have quite upsefc you." " Not afc all; I was not upset, although I lost my balance." There is no way of accounting for the man« ncr in which the tongue will twiafc ifcaolf at timea and distort the English language. Everybody who haa experienced the mortification caused by this perverse and " unruly member" will appreciate the following i — A young lady entering a crowded church was a little uncertain aa to fche exact locality of a pew in which friends had kindly offered her a Bitting. Touching an elderly gentleman on the Bhoulder, she sweetly inquires, " Oan you tell me who ocoupewtf fchis pie ? ' "I understand, a Mr Softley," said Misa Muffin, " that you play the violin," " Well, yes. Miss Muffin, I — a— try fco play fche violin." " That's what I heard. You see, Mr iSoffcley, we are going to have a little soctable at out house next Thursday evouing. I wanted to invite you, but ma — she is so very anxious not to give anybody any trouble— ma waa afraid that " " Oh, no trouble at all. I assure you, Miss Muffin," eagerly interposed Softley, "it will be a positive pleasure to ma to bring my violin." Y-e-e-s, that's what ma waa afraid of." A lady said the other day at a friend'B dinner table — at which sho found seviral strangers seated — iv respouee to a remark made about a certain lady of uncertain age s— > " Why, good gracious I she is aa old as the hills I ' and could not imagine in the least what had caused the general consternation. She did a little later, uosvewr, when it was explained to her that two ni.ii.len eistera at the table, whose names she did not catch in the introduction, were o tiled Hill, and were extremely sensitive on tho matter of age. Fortune-telling is a profitable trade in the United States. Here are two advertisements from a San Francisco paper : — Mdme. Singhi, acknowledged the greatest living clairvoyant, has received innumerable letters ask* ing her to visit this city ; in response thereto she informs the public that she haß arrived and has rooms 32 and 33 at 1, Fifth Street, where sho can be consulted on business losses, enemies, lawsuits, absent friends, love, marriage, and deaih; one great feature in Mdme. Singhi'a success is, sho insures satisfaction in all who consult her, or refuses pay for the consultation j her stay here will be short, therefore parties wishing to consult her will do well fco call soon. Mma. Leola, the greatest living clairvoyant and fortuue-teller, tells past, present and future ; love, business, marriage ; magic charms, giving good luck and love at first Bight ; alao tells full name and shows true picture of fche one you will marry, for one dollar. — 2326 Miaaion Street, near Twentieth. Fortune-telling taught,