Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 1753, 28 May 1886, Page 5

Wit and Humour.

What part of a door is the best preserved P ) —The jamb. I Woman is not mur-h of a plrlosopher, but t sho is proverbially a clothes observer. • "This is my coit of alms" eaid a tramp, ' tapping the ragged garment the deacon of a ! church bad just given him. Talks on art. — He — " How lovely Miss De Lon* looks ; she reminds me of an old . picture." Rival beauty — "Yes a very old picture, and restored." » Conductor (deliberately) — " Your fare, i miss." Suspectible maid (nervously) — "Oh, sir ! Really I — you men aro such flatterers/ ; Conductor — " Beg pardon. Thruppence, if , you please." As the convalescent patient said to the doctor when an extravagant bill was pre--1 sented, " What's the use of your saving my life, if you shove a bill afc me afterwards bo ■ big that I worry myself fco deafch over ifc ? " Johnnie — " Msmma, when I grow older shall Ibe bald?" Mrs Brown—" l don'fc know." Johnnie — " I hope I shall." Mrs B. — " Why P" Johnnie — " Because then I can sit iv the front row as the other old men do." Young housekeeper, after gazing helplessly at the different "cuts" iv a butcher's— "l want a piece that 1 can use for soup." Butcher — " People generally take fore-legs for soup, ma'am." Young housekeeper, aghast— " How many did you say — four ? " Woman (begging) — "Won't you help a poor woman who has been left alone in the wide, wide world P " Sailor (who has been shipwrecked) — That's nuthin', mum. You'd hey sumthin' fco complain about ef you'd bint like me, alone on a wide, wide sea." Teacher — "John, what are your boots made of P" Boy— " Of leather, sir." Teacher — " Where does tho loathor come from ? " Boy — " From the hide of the ox." Teacher — " What animal therefore supplies you with boots and shoes, and gives you meat to eat ? " Boy—" My father." g. First Mature Maiden: Mr Symy the looks quite young and jauuty since hia marriage, doesn't he ? " Second M. M. : " Yes, bo he does. He looks almost as young as he did when I refused him. He was just twentyfive then." First M. M. : " Indeed ! I had no idea he was fifty." ■• So you enjoyed your jj visit to the menagerie, did you ?" inquired Jyoung Sillabub of his adored one's little sißter. " Oh, yes ; and do you know, we saw a camel there fchat screwed its mouth and eyes awfully, and sister said ifc looked exactly aa you do when you are reciting poetry at the church sociables!" Harrison Fox, of Reno, Nov., .sayß that he onco saw a miner in a California camp give a bucket of goiddust for a driuk ot whisky. The supply of Jiquor hai run out two days before, and that was fche last drink in tbe whole camp. First father — '* lam sorry to say that my son has no idea of befctiug or gambling." Second ditto — " Surely tbat is a cause for congratulation." Firsfc lather — " Not at all, for he bets und gambles all the same, and loses always." Visitor of fche dime museum to the little girl who takes the cash — *' We havo made a bee, aud we want you to settle it. Is the bearded lady your mother or your auut ? " The little gul — '• You are ail wrong. She's my father." V verbose preacher could be found only on Sunday, being obliged to secrete himself dur« ing the week to avoid his creditors. " Thafc man," said a waggish hearer, " is iuvisible six days of ihe week, aud incomprehensible the seventh." The importance of systematic giving as a part of worship was urged by Dr J-arkhuret recently. " A single dollar," he said, " may look huge, bufc wneu spread out over a year it is too fcliin to lie down upon and pray * l'hy kingdom OJine.' " "If I ever marry, I shan't seek for mind - mind is too cold. I shall choobo an emotional woman." "Don't do it," eagerly exclaimed vis bald-headed friend, suggestively pointing Lo his hairless pate ; " don t do it, 1 implore you! My wiie is an emotional woman ! " A lady who superintends a Sunday School having occasion to interrogate one of her pupils aB to fche cause of her father's nonattendance at church, received the following innocent reply, prefaced, of course, by a sweet little drop ol a curtesy : — ".Pie-Be, mem, my father says he isn't coiniug to church auy more, t' parson hollers out so he can t get a bit of skep." " How does your father seem to regard my coming here ? " anxiously asked Adolpbus of little Hobby, while Miss Maud was up-staira getting ready to present herself. " I gueos he don't care nothin' about it," replied Bobby, carelessly. ''So he has no objection, eh? But what did he say, my li'.tle man? " "He said if Maud had a miud to make a fool of herself, why let her." SHE WOULD. Deep in her eyes ot bonnia blue 1 saw the love light shine; " Sweet love," 1 softly aske J, " will you lie mine P" She raised her head and breathed a Bigh— Her eyes with tears were wet, And blushingly she mude reply ; " You bet." — Boston Courier. " 'Tis love that makes the world go round." Glad ol the explanation. We always thought that we had fouud The caußrf in gravitation. The terms are still synonymous, And they are rigliG wno say Love fcurus the head of all ot us Who gravitate that vay. —Pittsburgh Dispatch. Bride — " I must have your advice, doctor. My husband has the nightmare nearly every Liigut and frigutens me half to death." Doo« tor — " I presume bb there are oaly two in the family, you attend to all the housekeepiug duties yourself ?" Bride — " Yes." Doctor — " Well, hire some one else to do the cooking." " You seem to be in a hilarious humour, Blinks," said Brown, at the breakfast table. " Oh, I have been reading one of Robinson's stories." " His narrations are not usually droll enough to provoke merriment." "No but this is one to make a dog laugh." "Ah, then, that accounts for it said Brown. And Blinks could not for the life c£ him see what ao amused Brown and the waiter. " I can't lefc this girl travel half price," 6 aid a tickefc-snat cher at Vauxhall to the widow Flapjack. " Why not? What is the matter wim my little girl ?" She is no child. _heg is more than half grown. ' Well, if that don't beat everything, then I'll give it up. My poor little ifldith has been travelling along this line on a ohild'B ticket for the last ten years, und now all at once you say she ie no child. That's a new way to worry the travelling public." &he paid full fare» aud then the diminutive girl iv the corner pulled herself out, go to speak, like a marina telescope.