MOSER'S AUTOMATIC DOG.

Bruce Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 1751, 21 May 1886, Page 6

MOSER'S AUTOMATIC DOG.

Jack Moser rented a cottage in the suburbs in order to please his wife The house lacked a number of modern improvements, and, unlike all other cottages advertised, wi's not " within five minutes' walk of the ne&rest railway station j " but it had an ivy-clad piazz.i, woodbine twisted gracefully over the door-way, and Jack's wife was satisfied. She had a " vine-embowered cottage," for which she had frequently yearned. Jack thought they ought to have a ferocious dog to warn off tramps, midnight robbers, and other obnoxious visitors, but his wife wouldn't listen to snch a proposition. She said she would as lief have a robber or a tramp in the house aa have a cross dog about. She intimated that her husband might bring home a Bengal tiger, or a sheep, or some other wild beast, but if he purchased a dog she would go right home to her mother's. Her deep-rooted aversion to the canine tribe was owing to one of her dear friends having been bitten by a mad dog several years before. Jack had set his heart upon having an able-bodied dog for protection, but as he had been married only a few months, and the honeymoon still retained some of its saccharineness, he I was willing to make one more sacrifice

to augment his wife's happiness. But he didn't dismiss the dog from his mind ; and one day, while reflecting upon the feeling of security such an acquisition would afford, he conceived an idea. lie would have a dog built according to a design of his own invention. It might be a little more expensive than a 'genuine dog, but at this early era of his married life money was not so much an object as Mrs Moser's felicity. The automatic animal was successfully built. It was of the bull-dog brand. O ne eye was blood-shot and the lid swollen, and one ear had a ragged edge as if it had been " chawed " in an old feud. Its jaws were flabby, the undamaged eye had a wicked glare, and the whole contour of the brute was one of repulsiveness in the first degree. Observation had taught Jack that when a man wished to gain a dog's confidence he instinctively patted the animal on the head. The interior department of Jack's dog, therefore, was fitted up with machinery of a very sensitive character, which was connected with a wire running from a button on the animal's head, aud when this buttou was slightly pressed, the internal contrivance would go off like an alarm-tl ?ck — one of those diabolical inventions that wakens up every member of the family except the servant girl in whose room the infernal machine is at work. When the dog waa patted on the head the brute would make a slight move, open its jawp, and emit a prolonged and sonorous growl that would cause the cold shivers to meander along the spinal column of a snuff-shop wooden Highlander. The dog was brought home, and Jack got his wife to test it. She said it was an ugly brute, but she wasn't afraid of any home-made dog ; and when she patted it on the head, at her husband's suggestion, and was greeted with an unexpected and blood-curd-ling growl, she let escape an ear-pierc-ing shriek, and fainted dead away. The dog was an overwhelming success. It was regarded as an offensive partisan by every member of tho tramp fraternity -who halted at the gate and threw a hungry glance toward the cottage. One day Jack and his wife left home for a short visit to the seaside. The house was securely closed, and tbe automatic dog planted where it would do the most good. That very evening a couple of dirt-begrimed tramps atopped ia front of the cottage. One of them unlatched the front gate, and was about to enter when suddenly his gaze became rivetted on an object ia the path. " Whe-ew 1: ' he softly whistled, backing away from the fence. " Great Csßsar, Jimmy ! just take a squint at the size of the brute 1 " " Yer not afeered of him, are yer, Bill ? " said his companion. "But look at, the wicked eye of him ! He's a terror. None of him in mine, if yer please, Jim." " Yer a coward, Bill," said the tramp addressed as Jim. " See yer uncle make friends with the terror." And Jim cautiously approached Moser's dog, using all the wheedling terms of endearment at his command. " Poor old fellow ! Come here, my fine beauty ? " Then he whistled encouragingly, and snapped his fingers cajolingly. " S-s-p-p-p-pp-r-t," he chirped, placing his hand caressingly on the dog's head. "Ho, you old fel " At this juncture the dog's body moved forward, his mouth opened, and an awful, nerve-distracting " BrrrrrGrrrrr ! " issued from its throat, and the tramp dashed out of the yard with so much impetuosity and unexpected celerity that he left a portion of his tattered garments clinging to the gatelatch. "It's mighty lucky for yer, Jimmy, that the big-headed cur didn't lunch off' yer hind leg," said Bill, as the twain hurriedly resumed their journey. Next morning Mrs Moser's mother arrived. Wishing to give her daughter a little surprise, she had not apprised her of her intended visit. It was Mrs Moser's mother, however, who received the surprise. And it wasn't so very little either. She saw the dog as soon as she opened the gate, and stood undecided whether to advance or retreat. " What an ugly monster 1 " she mused. " And Caroline would never have a dog about the house, either I It's very strange. But may be it's somebody's animal that has wandered into the yard." Then she closed the gate between herself and the dog, raised htr umbrella threateningly, and cried :—- --" Git out ! Go 'way, you nasty beast 1 Shoo ! Scat, you dirty dog !" But Moser's dog didn't. " Carrie ! Car-o-line ! " called the old lady; but for obvious reasons there was no response. Caroline was several miles distant. " Well, I'm not going to stand here all day," finally said Moser's wife's mother, with an air of determination. "I'll see if I can't make friends with the homely canine. Come Towser," she coaxed. " Good doggy ! Nice old Carlo ! Here, Prince, come here ! " Then the old lady, having almost unconsciously advanced within reach of the dog, slowly extended her hand and began to pat it on the head, "You nice old do " "Ouch! Fire! Murder! Git out! Caroline ! Oh-000-oo ! " she sceamed, as (he dog's deep bay, " Gr-r-r-r-r-r ! ' seventeen yards long by a foot in oircumferen.ee, pierced the adjacent

atmosphere. The best previous time made by a badly scared woman in getting out of a front yard is not on record, but Moser's wife's mother beat it. She was in a hurry. She didn't say so, but she was, all the same. " Oh, my ! " she gasped, when she reached tbe middle of the road and discovered that the dog had not followed her, " I thought I was a dead woman, sure ! " Then she looked at her satchel, which she had slashed around wildly in her flight, and which had burst open by coming in contact with the gatepost. " I declare if the jar of currant jelly I brought Caroline doesn't lay smashed all to bits in the yard ! John Moser heard that I was coming, and got that horrid ugly monster on purpose— l know he did ! I'll go right home and never set foot in the ungrateful wretch's house again ! " And she left by the next train, fairly boiling with anger ; and one of the first things she did upon her arrival home was to make an alteration in her will. The next visitor at the Moser cottage was a tax collector, who had a variegated experience. He boldly opened the gate, leisurely closed it after him, and started up the path, mechanically fumbling in an inside pocket. " Whew ! " he ejaculated, as the automatic confrivauce encountered his vision. " I'll bet that overgrown dog is kept for the special benefit of tax collectors. Here, Bull ! Come here, old fellow ! "he coaxed. "If I had a revolver I'd blow the roof off the savage-looking brute ! " Then he advanced gingerly towards the dog, using kind words that never die, and cautiously placed his hand on the animal's head. There was a tree near by, and the tax collector was safely at the top of it before the cadences of Moser's dog's " Q -r-r-r-r-r-B-r-r-r-r-r " had died away. With the tax collector time was money, but, all the same he concluded to remain in the tree and think about one thing and another until the dog retired, or some one came to his rescue. Five minutes devoted to vigorous yelling convinced him that the Moser cottage was unoccupied. The sun had sunk behind the western hills, bathing the landscape in a field of purple haze, and tall trees in an adjacent meadow were darkly silhouetted against the hazy skies, but tho tax collector didn't enjoy the scenery to any considerable extent, for his position in the tree was becoming very uncomfortable, and the dog was still there. And he was annoyed by the animal's harrowing and persistent silence. Finally the tax collector concluded to venture down the tree, and take his chances. The feat was accomplished with a rapidly beating heart, and when he safely reached the gate without the dog making a demonstration, his courage quickly returned and assumed huge proportions. " Perhaps the wretched brute is asleep," he reflected. "1 must have revenge." Aud the thoughts of revenge made him feel very brave indeed. He left the gate open, to permit cf a hasty escape, and thnn proceeded to gratify his tbi r st for revenge. " The animal is as quiet as a statue, and I'll just give him one vigorous kick for luck, and then glide out of the gate like lightning." And he bestowed the kick. Only one. It was hearty, a one-hundred-pouud-to-the-square-inch kick, but it was enough — for the tax collector. One million pounds in cash would not have induced him to give Moser's dog another kick. Not with the same foot, anyway. That part of the programme relating to gliding out of the gate like lightning was omitted. But the tax collector did some gliding, nevertheless. He glode around on one foot, nursing the other with his hands, and yelled like a thousand throats. He thought his toes were telescoped into his ankles, but they were not. Two of them were broken, and two others badly bent, but the doctor who dressed his injuries said he thought his patient could dispense with a crutch in about two months. The tax collector's fate should teach a man to refrain from attempting to kick the machinery out of a sleeping dog — especially one of the automatic breed. It is a mean advantage to take of the unsuspecting animal. T Vhen Jack Moser returned home, his dog, like the Rhineland watch, was "still there," showing no signs of hunger or fatigue. When J.ck saw the mashed jar of currant jam and a dozen tax-demand notes lying iibout the yard, he quickly surmised that his dog) had strictly attended to business during his absence. He contemplates having his automatic dog patented, but when he hears from his mother-in-law he will probably change his mind.