Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 1735, 26 March 1886, Page 6

Wit and Humour.

" And are you glad to see me, my littlo man?" asked the bishop of Bobby. "Yes, ■ air/ replied Bobby. " And why are you glad I to see mo ?" " Because it's only when you j como tbat wo havo anything ifor dinner worth I oat ing." ■ Illiterate housekeeper — " Mr Cannes, you I must eend me another girl." Agent — " I'm t afraid the trouble is with you, Mrs Prim. ; Youv'e tried German, Irish, and — " "Ye 3, f but tlmy'ro no good. My neighbour has an j excellent girl. She's a SweJenborgian. Send [ mo one from Swedenborgia." ! Ilobson Jones — " Yes, Miss Clare gave mo ; every reason to think lhat she was intercerod ; in me j but when I fisked her to be my wife, ■ she unqualifiedly refused-" Mrs De Bullion— I. "On what grounds did slie refuse on ?" Ilobson Jones — ".On tho lawn tennis grounds ■ in lier father's own garden." ■ Miss S. — "Ah, Mr St John, you have been f out shooting What sort of luck did you i have?" MrStJ. — " Well, I scared up eeven j partridges." Miss S. — How many did you I shoot ?" Mr St J. — " I did not bag any, of ; course, for I hud my sniping suit on, don't you ; know." ! " Wonder where Splashpen gets the big [ words lie uses so plentifully in his writings ?" ■ "Out of the diclionary, of course." "That ■; accounts for it. He ueed three words in tea ' lines, the other day, of which I did not know j. the meaning. I went to tho dictionary, but [; they weren't thero. Perhaps, aa you suggest, ; Splasbpen had taken them. ; French visitor — " I call to see Monßieu? : Bollard." Maid — You can't see him, Bir ; | he's not up yet." French visitor — •• Vat you L tell ? I com yester, and you say can't Bee -, heem because he not down ; now you say can't ; see heem because he not opp. Yen will he be h iin ze middle, mademoiselle ? I no com' L pr'cnd!" | Young lady — "I called on Mrs S. tins £ afternoon, mamma, and what do you think I y saw on her new ebony sideboard ?" Mother— r "I have no idea." Young lady — " A volume ! of Shakespeare's ' Paradise Lost,' bound in T dark blue. Thiuk of it — dark blue agaiDot an f ; ebony background !" ' Doctor — "You gee, wifey dear, I hare f* pulled my patient through after all j a very ih. critical case, I can tell you. Hie wife — " Yea, f dear hubby ; but then you are so clever in \ ;' your profession. Ah ! if I had only known {•■- --you five years earlier ! I feel certain my first I husband — my poor Ihomas — would have been £.. saved." [ Carrie and May were picking the absent j Matilda to pieces. Said May, after a momen' 1 tary pause in the conversation, " How happy j; should I bo did I know that somebody was [ having as good a talk about us as we are hay- '■'■ ing about Tilly ! There is nothing selfish [ about me, Carrie, I like to have otherß enjoy j themselves." U A philosopher who had borrowed gome I money to pay for hia night's lodging at a • hotel woko up in tho night aud caw a persoa \ climbing through the wiudow. With admir- [-. able nonchalance he said to the intruder— f- " Look heio, my friend, you'll get into debt if ; you rob mo, for you won't find anything but \ uureceiptcd tailors' bills in my pockets." !-. " You can't add different thiDgs together," ; said a school teacher. "If you add a sheep i and a cow together it does not make two sheep | or two cows. ' A little boy, the son of a milk- ! mau, held up his hand and said —"That maj ! do with sheep and cows, but if you add a [ quart of water to a quart of milk, it makes two ; quarts of milk. I've seen it tried." ' . " Uncle James," said a city young lady, ; who was spending a few days in the country, py "is that chicken at tho gate a Brahmin ?"f : " ?io," replied uncle James, " he's a Leghorn." I: " Why, certainly, to be Buro," Baid the young [ lady. " How stupid of me ! I can. Bee the | horua on his ankles." f A lady was Binging the other week at a charity concert, and the audience insisted upon hearing her eong a second time. Her daughter, a little child, was present, and, 03 1 beiug asked afterwards bow her mamma had I sung, replied, "Very badly, for they mad?| her do it all over agaiu." j He was talking to the girl, and she waj f Buffering in patient endurauce. All atone« t l;is lace lighted up, and she revived Blightlj,^. " Ab, Mr do Sappy, what is it ?" she inquired,' quickly and expectantly. "A bwilliant ii'ought stwuck ma, Mis» Fannie," he replied " Indeed!" she sighed wearily. " Whoae wai; itP" | "Look here," said Fusticus, at a recoct concert, " The seat you have given me is onlj, fit fur a dog." " Why, what'a the matterwith it ?" inquired the attendant j " it's ODB of the best seats in the hall." " That mar all be," said Fustieua, " but it's a dog'o seat for all that. Look at the number, that provei it— K9l" Mrs Arlington — " I want a thermometer Give me the best you have." Optician— > " Well, here is one of the finest Venetian glass, and tho very best quicksilver." Mil Arlington — " Quiokailver ? I -want it fo! my drawing room. Haven't you any ther* mometer with quick gold, I shan't mind thJ cost, you know." A very loquacious lady, calling one day to consult her physician, talked on aud on with such volubility that the latter could not get io. a word edgeways. Growing impa'ieut lie - at length told nor to put out her tongue, which she did. He then said—" Now please keepi* there till you have heard what I have got to say to yeu." " Yes," said the merchant, " I alwaye marl the moat expensive of my goods as ' aold' during the holiday season. Then when women read tho signs it makes them crazy to have the same aiticle, and they are co <&' appointed that I finally promise to try and ge! them another — wuioli, of course, I haveitf trjuble in doing. Oh, it's a great ecb.enje,l tell you, and nover fails." A nowlyimrrie 1 lady, not very well up fl household mutterß, Baid to her grocer tho othf ! day — I bought, throe or four hanu here J couple of months ago, and they were verj fine. Have you any more like them?" G-roce: — •' Yes, ma'am, there are ton of those baffii hanging up there." " Are you sure they are all oh"° tho samo pig ?" " Yes, ma'am. " Then 1 11 take throe of them." Minister (newly placed) — " I didn't & your wife in church on Sunday, Mr MoN»b I hope she's well." Mr McNab— " Wei minister, tae tell ye the truth, she's no ver* weel. She's been haoin' a r.nther sair tout. Minister, under the impression that a to lme*ins a " tot")—" Dear me, is she given th* way ? I wouldn't have believed it 1" *•'-. , Metfab — "Toots, minister, she's but human. An 1 whit's to hinder even yersel' from haeii yin whiles I" (Exit minister hastily ) A HOCTTJiINE. The Thonns cat now sings upon the shed, . When starry nights succeed the golden M Sings, after all the boarders are in bed, .' - And wakes them with his weird, nocturm ; lay, _ 'j^ Siugs till he splits the h istening ear of s^tja Till windows are thrown up, and faces gri»¥* Appear, and then he takes a audden flight, \ With half a do«en bootjacks af cer him, i*' •<