Wit and Humour.

Bruce Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 1602, 16 January 1885, Page 6

Wit and Humour.

Deadlocks — False curls. Ihe minstrel man is nob so black as he is painted. It makes bad work with spelling when the "i " is out of sight and out of mind. " She wps a bud — to look at — I tell you, and I was awfully gone on her. Everything went smoothly until I found out how much she knew." It is impossible to convince a woman who arrives five minutes late at a depot that the engineer did not see her coming and steam off just out of spite. An Advertisement in a contemporary reads : " Wanted— a girl to cook." This gives rise to the grave suspicion that cannibalism is not yet played out in thi« country. To enable ladies to view the dresses of their sex as they come into church, a Western man has invented a seat which is set on a pivot. This saves much necV-straining. A German newspaper contains the following advertisement : "If Charles Frankeber will cither call on or write to Karl Schmidt, on the Kaiser strasse, he will hear something to his advantage. His wife is dead." One told another, who did not use to bo very well clothed, that his new coat was too short for him : " That's true (answered his iriend)bub it will be long enough before I get another." The Rev. Dr Hall said every blade of grass was a sermon. The next day he waa amusing himself by clipping his lawn, when a parishioner said : " That's right. Doctor. Cut your sermons short." A certain newspaper proprietor, lately deceased, was once vigorously attacked for inserting objectionable advertisements in his paper. "My dear fellow," he replied to his tormentor, " what can Ido ? I charge them double price 1" "My business is to talk," said a stumpspeaker. " I deal in words and sentences." " Yes," cried one of the crowd j " and aa long as I have known you your place of business has never been closed !" It is said that St Louis has the politest lawyer in the country. A long and terrible roar of thunder having stopped him in the middle of an address to the jury, on resuming he bowed and oourbeously said, " Gentlemen, please excuse this interruption !" Probably the worst blunder ever made by telegraphists was one that occurred in the case of a Sb Louis merchant, who, while in New York, received a telegram informing him that his wife was ill. He sent a message to his family doctor, asking the nature of the illness, and if there -was any danger, and received promptly the answer i "No danger. Your wife has had a child. If we can keep her from having another to-night, she will do well," The mystification of the agitated husband was not removed until a second inquiry revealed the fact that his indisposed lady had a " chill." Dr Pease, Dean of Ely, was once ab a dinner, when just as the cloth was removed the subject of discourse happened to be that of extraordinary mortality among lawyers. "We have 103t," said a gentleman, "not less than six eminent barristers in as many months." The Dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished his remarks, and gave the company grace— "For this and every other meroy, make us truly thank ful." When women are the advisers, the lords of creation don't take the advice till they have persuaded themselves that it is just what' they had intended to do j then they aot upon it, and if it succeeds they give the weaker vessel half the credit 5 if it fails they generally give her the whole. 11 Ignorant P" queried Bilkins. " No ; j ust the other way. I happened to hear her talk the other day to Prof. Buzzer— it makes me Bhudder to think of it I It was all about esoteric Buddhism, planetary changes and world periods. Think of it t It let me out, of course. You could not ex* pect such, a woman as that to take any in* terest in housekeeping, and—and babies 1 now, could you ?" " There is muoh truth, in what you Bay," replied Bilkins thoughtfully, and Brown looked relieved and lighted a cigar. There is a young lady who lives next door to Mr Blo^g's house, and while JJlogg had compauy the other evening sho was heard in her endeavours to ezborb muaio from a piano. " Our neighbour's daughter is a very good player," remarked Blogg* affably, during a pause in the conversation. " Her time is a libble slow," was the oritioal re« sponse of Blogg's caller, who happened to be a connoisseur in music. "Yea," said Blogg, " her young man is there, and very likely she has set the olook^back." "John, what is that. peculiar smell P" The hour was late and he had just returned from the lodge. " That is the incense we use in the lodge room, my dear." "If that's all you go to the lodge for, I don't ace why you can't buy a few bottlea of it and keep it in the house in case of sioknes3." He merely remarked that he thought ehe wag incensed enough already. Lord Chancellor Clare, on ona occasion, while Curran was addrosnng him, in a moat important oase, ocoupied himself with a favourite .Newfoundland dog seated by him. Curran having ceased speaking through indignation or malice prepense, Lord Olair raised his head and asked, '• Why don't you proceed, Mr Curran ? ' " I thought your lordship was in oousulbabion." replied Curran. When a young man lays seige to a young lady and insiats upon her consenting to become hid wife, she cannot but confess that he is " a man utter her own heart," however heartless sue may appear. " Well, to tell you the truth, papa, 1 did not think muoh of the close of the sermon," said a fashionable young lady. •• Probably you were thinking more of the clothes of the congregation," replied her father. Explorer Stanley tells of a strong African who once bore ten men on his hands for ten minutes. That is nothing. We know of a married man who has had his entire wife's family on his hands for the past twenty years, and he is not extra strong either. A traveller announces as a fact (and though he is a " traveller " we believe him) that he once in his life beheld people " minding their own business." This remarkable occurrence r appened at Bea, the passengers being too sick to attend to each others' concerns. Spanish robbers are very polite. Att Englishman was once accosted on a lonely road by a ruffim. "Sir," said he, "you have my coat on j miy I trouble you for it P" The Englishman drew out a pistol, and told the fellow he was mistaken. " Sir," said the robUer " I perceive that I am. Will you do me the honour to communicate your .name that I may re,uie.mber ft in nty I prayers f