AMUSING.

Bruce Herald, Volume XIII, Issue 1205, 21 May 1880, Page 6

AMUSING.

-• A peasant, being at confession, accused hiuiselt of having stolen some hay. The father confessor asked him bow many bun> dies he had taken from the stack " That is of no consequence," replied the peasant ; " you may call it a waggon load, for my wife and I are going to fetch the remainder very soon." " My mamma's hair is so long, that when she looses it it tails down on her waist !" said Amy. " That's nothing," replied Maude, " when my mamma unties her hair it falls down on the floor !" A negro was put upon the stand as a witness, and the judge inquired if he understood the nature of an oath. " For certing, boss," said the citizen ; " if I swears to a lie, I must stick to him !" No kissiDg by telephone for us. We prefer to take the electricity direct from the battery. " I don't like winter,'' said one pickpocket to another. " Everybody has his hands in his pockets." The old story of Romulus and Remus being raised by a wolf is outdone every day iv Kentucky, where men are raised bj mules, sometimes fatally. " Come, go to bed, F.ddie," said an anxious aunt ; " you see the sun has set, and the little chickens all go to roost at that time." " Yes aunty," said Edwin ; " but the old hen goes with them." The other night at a London Club some Americans were boasting about thoir inventions and the wonderful machines to be found iv the States. One of them told of the wellknown machine, which, a live pig being introduced at one end, turns out the animal into sausages at the other. An Irishman who was notgoing to have the Yankee riding roughshod over every other nation, tamed on them and said, " Bedad, we've got the same machine int Ireland, only ours is more perfect, sure, for if you don't like the sausages you can put then back into the machine, and by reversing the action they'll come out a live pig agin ' where he went in." A Western traveller came up to a log cabin and asked for a drink, which was supplied by a good-looking youug woman. As she was the hrst woman he had seen for several days, he offered her a dollar for a kiss. It was duly taken and paid for, and the young hostess, who had never seen a dollar before, looked at it a moment with some curiosity, thon asked what she should do with it. He replied what she chose, as it was hers. "If that's the case," you may take it and give me another kiss." The late Lord i'homond met, in one of his country walks, a half-witted man who went amongst his neighbours by the name of " Silly Billy," With an indistinct idea of playing the agreeable, Billy said to his lordship, making at the same time a low obeisance, ll I lu>pe your lordship is quite well." "Thank you, Billy,'" said he, ." I'm getting on; but I have been so ill that I havn been obliged to keep my bed." Ab, your lordship replied Billy, you've done much better than I did, for when I was ill I was obliged to part with mine?" A Shopkeeper employed a Chinese to paint a sign iv Chinese characters for a shop at the gold-diggings. When the sign was put up, the shopkeeper waited patientty for the expected influx of the relations of the sun and moon. To hin surprise, however, although many approached the placard and read it, all without exception passed by with broad grins on their faces. Suspecting that all was not right, he took down the mysterious sign, and availed himself of the first opportunity of trying to obtain a translation. This he found a difficulty in getting, every Chinaman to whom he showed the board refusing to satisfy him, and merely answering with a grin. At length, by the offer of a bribe, he arrived at the secret. The enticing advertisement, on being render* ed into English, was as nearly aa possible, as follo.vs: — "Don't buy anything here; storekeeper a rogue."