The Artfal Dodger.

Bruce Herald, Volume IX, Issue 897, 13 April 1877, Page 5

The Artfal Dodger.

Ny If there's a holo in a' yc'r coate, 1 revl ye ti-ut it ; A duel's araauy ye takin' notes, An I'uith he'll preut it. An important arbitration case between two business firms receutly came off, the day fixed for the busiuess being a Saturday, when one of the interested parties on his arrival at the hour appointed fouud all concerned having a quiet game of euchre. Nor were they inclined to leave off the game to assume the more important matter which brought them together, and which they could not be persuaded to enter upon until the following Monday morning much to the chagriu aud annoyance of the Dunedin visitor. Such is life. It will be remembered that the most accommodating Bank Manager Milton ever bad used to indulge in a special cut of upper garment, which was well kuown by all frequenters of the town. I was rather surprised the other day to find that the New Zealand Factory Company have adopted the fashion thus introduced here as one of their most popular attractions, and which is prominently exhibited in their window duly ticketed " The Larnach, " but whether our old friend or the star of first magnitude of the name the deponent knoweth not. " John Smith " will doubtless be pleased to learn that his frieud Truthful James has received the important appointmeut of truck hunter iv the railway service, or, as I understand he informs his friends, his position is that of Assistant, Traffic Manager. Doubtless all are aware of James's relationship to the premier of the Colouy, to whom, no doubt, he owes his billet. I wish some of my blood relations would get into power, and throw some nice little rosy billet my way. You, Mr Editor, handed me lately a list of the office-bearers, of a Good Templars' Lodge just formed at Waihola Gorge, which you informed me had been forwarded to you as a contribution from that quarter. Now, I happen to meet one or two of the officebearers referred to occasionally, and have since kept my weather eye open believing that I am at least an equally good subject for a Good Templars' Lodge, never doing more thau a dozen whiskies a day — -with one or two j hots before retiring to bed for the night. J I suppose your imformant meant nq offence, nor do 1 by repeating a few of the namea given as the leading officials of the Lodge, which is designated " The Palmer 1.0 G.T. Lodge of the Gorge" : -PWr.T, Jobn Duthie: W.C. (i.e. Worshipful Chaplain), Jas, M : iionald ; W.FS., Wm. Chimera J W.1U1.5., Robert Palmer ; W V.T., Mark Dale ; W.M., J. CLorimer ; W.I G., Jas. Blues ; W.0.G., Wm. Smith. There are a nnniber of other officers mentioned, but I refrain from giving them at present, knowing them to be rank " swipers," while I can vouch far the strict observance qf those above-named, according to the manner of the medical certificate described ia the enclosed clipping (see first paragraph, page 3, luterprovincial). A well known younjj bachelor in the vicinity of the aforementioned lodge lat.ly took s, very prominent part in a wild pig hunt which came off at Waihomo, having led several well known Pajmeraton citizens on to the ch>rge with a weapon very much after the style of a tailor's bodkin, and which was the only gully or weapon of warfare possessed by the company, each of whoai did their part in holding the boar while our local hero did the sticking part of thp business. By the bye, whejsa vvas the newspaper editor's scissors, which should have done more execution than the Toko-man's pen knife. However, it did the killing rather quicker than proved advisable as, had the death been delayed, th? owner of ths pig, whioh ws^q d,qing an airing from a farm-yard iv the immediate vicinity, might not have shown up just at the nick of time to claim the value ofj his pig, \vhicl* no

i doubt by its squeals in the hands nf the Toko i amateur butcher, had attracted him to the t epot. lam informed that it is sudden death 1 1 to any one who grunts within hearing of the young bachelor referred to. A young lady of 5 ray acquaintance who was bold enough to do so, is now afraid to go within half a mile of . his establishment. 1 The officers of the Bruce Volunteers evidently don't stick at trifles, and have souls > above sixpences. They lately decked themselves in handsome attire at a cost to the i Company of over £50— not bad for three • suits of military costume. Will it be believed that these same high-souled officers voted in . favor of a charge of £3 for the use of the , Volunteer Hall for the late church bazaar? : while the representatives of those who paid the £50 bill were agreeable to let the church off cheap. What next ? — and next ? I met a Milton man in Dunedin the other day who was on his way home to England, and who was desirous of investing a goodly sum in one of the Otago Building Societies, but he informed me that none of them would have bi3 money on his terms, which were anything but extravagant. lat once offered him his own or even better terms, and was desirous that he should at once come to my solicitor and have the business done in a proper manner ; but, foolish man, he could not see it, and has taken his money to England, where it is only worth IJ per cent., and I'd have given him 10 on my own personal security, which id undeniable-. Is it not, Mr Editor? I turned up at the end of a sanguinary conflict in the vicinity of Coal Gully yesterday forenoon. Several contributions have from time to time appeared in your columns from one Jock, and it would appear that his friend Grabba had taken offence at Jock's last letter, and believing that he had discovered the writer in an innocent carter of coals, attacked him, firsh with his tongue, accusing him of tho authorship of ihe true but, perhap3, to him, uupleasant story, in the Biliin2B£;\ti} style of which h« is >i well known master. Finding th-u the gui- r g>ing csrfer l<n w more than himself aud that he was getting the wore* of it, Grabba then seized a broken rail, and brandishing it about became very bold, aud bellowed forth threa-teninga of what he could and would do. The carter grappled with Grabba, and speedily wrested the rail from him which he had attempted to use in vain upon his opponent's head. However, when 1 arrived upon the Bcene Grabba's face bore an intermixture of red, white and blue to an extent that is likely to fix his identity far more forcibly than had he like a wise man said nothing to nobody, and profiling by Jock's exposure of hia weaknesses, said to himself, " I'll gxng nae mair a rovin'." Jock, by calling upon me, can have the carter's name referred to— from whom, doubtless, he can have fuller particulars of the fray than it is in my power to give, should he wish to apply his Scotch wit upon the subject. The canny carter escaped scot free out of the mellee.