Amusing.

Bruce Herald, Volume IX, Issue 984, 3 April 1877, Page 3

Amusing.

» Hard to beat. — Boiled eggs. Haunted Houses. — Gin palaces. Groundless Fearß. — Nervousness in » balloon. Few young girls are so inconsolable that their hearts can't be kept afloat by a boy. " Pitchy darkness " has been so improved as to read " bituminous obscurity." A good action is its own reward ; and it ought to be, for it seldom gets any other. A new bonnet is to be distinguished from the old one by a much higher crown — and price. An Irish judge said, when addressing a prisoner, " You are to be hanged, and I hope it will prove a warning to you." Why are all washerwomen great travellers \ —Because they are continually croasing the line and running from pole to pole. " Dear me \ how heartily tired I am of this mourning!" said a fashionable lady to her maid. " Jane, who is it I'm in mourning for ?" Queen BHaabeth asked Bacon, when a chid, bow old he was. "Madam," replied the little boy, " I was two years old when you began your happy reign.,' An Irish journal has this gem in answer to a correspondent, presumably an impertinent one : — " We decline to acknowledge the receipt of your poet-card." " What object d.o you see ?" aaked the doctor. The young man hesitated, and then replied, " It appears like a jackass, doctor, but I think it's your shadow." A straDger to law courts, bearing a yadge call a sergeant " brother " expressed nis surprise. " Ob," paid one present., " they are brothers — brothers-in law." A humorous and beautiful jon.iig lady being asked by her mammt» where she waa going, said she was goiug to practice archery with an Irish beau and arrab. A man rushed into a post-office. " Quick — postage stamp !" "Of what denomination, sir!" "The cheapest you have." " But where is the letter to go to ?" «It isn't for any letter ; I've cnt my finger." The Lord Chief Justice was chaffed, when out shooting the other day, and told he gave bis birds too much " law." Perhaps I do," he replied ; " but remember it is not the duty of the judge to carry out the execution." " Five or six years of married life," remarks a veteran observer, "will often reduce a naturally irascible man to such a condition of angelic humanity that it wouldn't be Bafe to trust him with a pair of wingß," A bashful compositor, who was an old bachelor, refused to work in an office where girls were employed. He said he had never " set up " with a girl in bis life, and didn't like to begin such foolery at his age. Some years ago a Glasgow minister was called in to see a man *ho was very ill. Alter finishing his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man a wife, " My good woman, do you not go to any church at all ?" "Oh, yes, si;*! we | gang to the Barony Kirk." v Then why in the world did you send for me? "Why didn't you Bend for Dr Macleod ?" * € N», na, sir, 'deed no ; we wadna. risk him. Do ye no ken its a dangerous case o* typhua?' 1 6 ." :■