VARIETIES.

Bruce Herald, Volume VI, Issue 361, 29 March 1871, Page 2

VARIETIES.

An American paper gives the following recipe for going rxini. ;— Be an editor ; let the printer's devil be waiting -for copy ; sit down to write an article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop in, and begin to tell you gossips anA stories of the town : and let him sit, and sit ,and sit. Very speedily you will go raving mad. Mistress :'" Are not these lovely flowers nurse ■?"' Nurse : " They be indeed ma'am ■! Equal to the best artificials." Too True: The man' who is awfully urbane to his wife before strangers is generally also " her bane " behind their backs. . "You can do anything if you have patience," said an old uncle, wli6 had made a fortune, to his nephew, who had nearly spent one'; "water may be carried, in a sieve if you only wait." " Howlong !* ■asked the petulant spendthrift, who was impatient (or the old man's death. " Till it freezes," was the cold reply. At the Georgia State Fuir, a •wealthy bachelor saw a beautiful young lady inspecting' a new cook" stove, sought an iutroduction,||)roposed, and wa3 accepted-^---since which all the girls crowd, about the stove department. A country girl coming from %he field, was toki by her cousin that she looked as fresh as a daisy kissed by the dew. *' No, indeed," was simple reply, "thab wasn't his name." The more honesty a man has, the less he affects the air of a saint. A person being asked what was meant by the " realities of life," answered, '* Iteal estate, real monej 7 , and a real good dinner, none of" which could be -realised without real hard work." The 'girl of the period' in Arkansas is described as thirteen years old, shoeless, bonnetless, stockingless, with the sheriff after her for stealing a horse. In Boston a poor man, who less than a year ago had only one suit of clotiies, went into the newspaper business, and now has eighj suits. Seven of them are tor libel. " It seems to me I have seen your physiognomy somevhere before," said a fop to a stranger whom he met," '" but I cannot imagine iwhere." "Very likely /* replied the other; ." I have been the go* vernor of a prison for the lasf 20. years." A gushing editor remarks that it. is pleasant for lovers -to: sit on the porch' these evenings, and be happy in rhe thought that their blood is cominglingin the same mosquito. ■ .. Why is a newspaper like an army ?-^=- Because it has leaders, columns and reviews. ''Genius will work its way through," as the poet remarked wh«n he saw a hole in the elbow of his coat. : : , : Somebody said to Jerrold, "I h^re just bad some calf's tail soup ;" when the wit replied, *■' Well, extremes do sometimes meet." ' A Contradiction. — Thebest way to patch, up a quarrel is to split the difference. What's the difference between my governor and the salary he pays me? One's a very great *' screw," t'other's a very small one. Paris "Fashions" are now described as tears and lamentations. ...... India Rubber Hats which squeal and kick are now given to poodle dogs to .play with. Because horses are used to reins, it does not follow that they are unaffected, by wet weatfier. , The Yankee traveller -who saw the live Hoosier has again been writing <to his mother, telling her . his experience as follows : — ''Western people -are death on etiquette. You c&n't tell a man he lies here without fighting. A fevy days ago a man was telling one -of- his neighbors, in my hearing, a, pretty large^story. Says -I, ' Stranger, that's a whopper !'. Says lie, • Lay there, stranger,' andio the twinkling 1 of an eye I found myself in the ditch, d perfect quadrupid. Upon another occasion says I to a man I never saw befora, as a woman passed, * That isn't a specimen -of your Western women is. it?! 'You're afraid of fever and ague, ain't you ? r '.Very much,': says I. ' -Well? replied^he, 1 that lady/ is my -wife, and it you don' c apologise in two miautes, by thefhonor;pf^ • a gentleman I swear that these two pis>tols>' which he held Jcopked in his hands, . 'shall oure you of .thatjdisprdeErentitely ■*'. So I knelt do -vn and politely^apologised. I admire the Western country much ; . bu% darn me if I panVstand; so much; Btiqyete^:; it always takes ma .unawares,''