VARIETIES.

Bruce Herald, Volume VI, Issue 304, 23 February 1870, Page 7

VARIETIES.

Judge Cannon, of Clay County. North Carolina, recently charged the"grand jury of that county that a lawful tence should he " horse-high, bull-tight, and pig- tight." A darkey's instructions for putting on a coat were : " Fust de right arm, den da left, and den gib one big 1 general conwulshun." A Western Senator wrote home a short time ago that he was only able to. get " four hours for sleep out ot twenty-four," and, that during that " oeriod a candidate for office sat by, the bedside and watched him, as he slept." The Difference.— The great difference between a. tippler and his bottle is that the former is apt to fall when full, and the latter when empty. An Economical Suicide. — A Parii letter says : — " A man who was in the hal:it of constantly frequenting a cabaret in the Versailles roud, was a few days ago 1 observed by the mistress to be sitting with, his glass empty before him. ' What will you take V said the woman. — ' Oh, nothing' more,' was the reply. ' I have but fortr sous, and I must buy some charcoal to stiH« myself with.'— 'Oh, that's very foolish,' rejoined the landlady, who thought he was joking- ; l with two" sous worth of cord (you could hang yourself, and by that arrangement you would have some more money to spenp in drink.' — 'Upon my word, you're right,' said the naanj and he* spent thirty-eight of the remaiuing sous "in drink. " On Saturday morning he was found hanging to a tree." When the world has once got hold of a lie, it is astonishing how hard it is to get it out of the world. You beat it about the head, till it seems to have given up the ghost, and lo ! the next day it is as healthy as ever. L OST , — A. boy on board an Americas steamer got up quite a panic among the passengers recently. He bolted suddenly into the cabin one morning, before the passengers had fairly rubbed their eyes open, exclaiming, "We are lost!"- — " Lost ! ," exclaimed another. — " Lost !" screamed out the whole crew. — " Yes, lost !" said the lad, astonished at the alarm he had created. •' I know we are lost, because the captain's on top o' the house, and another man's upon the mast, looking to see where we are ■!" Insolent Lobster— A. gentleman entered an omnibus not long since, carrying with him a bag, which he placed on the seat beside him. Soon after a 3'oung woman took the ajoiuinp seat. After bestowing frequent looks of surprise and indignation at her neighbor, who remained perfectly unconcious of her disquietude, she suddenly sprang upon her feet, and, exclaiming, " Insolent !" gave him a couple of sound boxes on the ear. The assaulted one at length ventured to ask why he had become the recipient of these favors.— "You pinched me," exclaimed the lady, furiously .—The gentteman made no reply, but looking under the seat, brought to light a magnificent live lobster, which had escaped from the bag. A Greenhorn. — A chap from the country determined to spend a few days in London, for the purpose of seeing all the sights ; and, in order to strike his acquaintance at home with the proper idea of the greatness of his visit, dined at a fashionable restaurant. When he was ushered in to dinner the first day, he was surprised at the number of paople who sat down, as well as at the vast'ness of the dining-room. He was equally surprised to see that each man had a printed account of his dinner before him, and that each one, as he thought, ate according to the directions. He was very hungry, and well he might be, after waiting two hours over the usual time j so he attacked the head of the bill with vigor, and ate down as far as he could, but soon came to a stand. Just then the gentleman on his right requested the waiter to bring him some oyster pie, whicn our friend beard and instantly referred to the list to see where it was> — " What !" exclaimed he, with astonishment, turning to his neighbor, "are you all the way down there ? Why, I have only got to roast beef, and I feel already as is I should bust." A young lady explained to her inamorator tbe distinction between printing and publishing, and at the conclusion of her remarks, by way of illustration, she said, '• You may print a kiss on my cheek but you must not publish it." " Mammy " said a precocious little boy, who, against his will, was made to rock the cradle of his baby brother, "if the Lord has any more babies to givo away, don't you take 'em." In returning thanks in an after-dinner speech, Brown declared that he was " too full for uttera-nce." A man in Rhode Island was sent to gaol for ten days for sleeping in church. Nothing was done to the clergyman. A lawj'er, who had a most absurd case submitted to him, on being asked if the action would lie, answered, " Yes, if the witnesses will lie too, but not otherwise. 1 * Ladies are said to be working their way into the watch business, because they produce handsomer faces and more delicate hands than men. New Orleans relates a case of absentmindedness. A gentleman, writing a letter at the breakfast table, dipped his pea in the coffee, and continued his letter. Noticing his mistake, he put a large lump of sugar in the ink, and then, 'finding his second blunder, poured the contents of the inkstand, into the coffee cup, to set it rignf. A fellow on being asked:to write' a testimonial for a patent clothes-wringer produced the following : — I bought yoiir clothes-wringer, and am highly pleased with it. I bought a load of wood which proved to be green and unfit to burn. I 4 run the whole load through your clotheswringer, and I have used "the wood "for kindling evar since. .... , „ -,